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Writing Snippet (WARNING: Violence)

Posted by Purple Phantom, 26 February 2017 · 411 views

So, I wrote something and would like some critique! I'll warn you now, there is violence.

Backstory for this: Our MC, here, is trying to show the world how truly evil his father and his father's company is. In this scene, he gets caught in the act by his father, who proves that even his own child is not too precious to feel pain.

If you are uncomfortable reading about violence and the like, I suggest you exit, now. If not, let me know what you think. How could I improve this scene? How could I better achieve what I wish to portray, here? What are some areas in which I could be stronger?

Spoiler





Ooo storytime! =D

 

Nice little story. The first few sentences are a bit too flowery for my taste. it does convey Julius's emotions from moment to moment though. He is quite anxious. I would continue that feeling in the next sentence, "As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him." A sudden shock of surprise or his heart skipping two beats, or all the air seemingly going out of his lungs. 

 

The next part is good, but if you get stabbed with a knife, anxious or not, you're going to feel a lot of pain real fast, and probably wouldn't be able to even attempt lifting your hand. Condense that part a bit. It's all happening within a second or two as well so sometimes making your sentences shorter to reflect that. Being stabbed seems to fit better into this whereas the beginning, drawing out each moment is more appropriate. If our nervously searching around, every second is going to feel like an eternity. 

 

I like everything after just how it is. I kinda like referring to his father by his name. In that sort of relationship, he's really just a father in name only. It would make sense that Julius would refer to him by name once he worked up enough courage to stand up to him.

How's this revision, Lone? :3

 

Spoiler

 

I'm glad you like it! ^_^ Thank you very much for your critique!

Not bad. How about:

 

As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him. An intense feeling of dread gripped him. His heart skipped a few beats. Time seemed to freeze. A sudden jolt of pain shocked back into reality. He let out a shriek of pain. His gaze snapped to his hand. A knife had stabbed straight through. The large hand holding the knife in wiggled it before ripping it free. Julius stared in shock at his hand. Before he could process what was happening, he was thrust against the wall.

 

 

I left it mostly the same. Just made it a bit more concise. If I were Julius, that's how I imagine my reaction would be. If you feel it would be different, go with what suits his character. I like "dread" more than "fear" because in connotes foreboding. Like somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was his father, but his conscious mind couldn't process it with the sudden shock and pain. 

Ooo! I gots another one.

 

As he stood up, he felt a hot breath on the back of his neck, and the faint smell of sulfur. He cringed in fear because he knew what was behind him. As he slowly turned his eyes confirmed that his mind already knew. 

Charizard.

 

=P

Ooo! I gots another one.

 

As he stood up, he felt a hot breath on the back of his neck, and the faint smell of sulfur. He cringed in fear because he knew what was behind him. As he slowly turned his eyes confirmed that his mind already knew. 

Charizard.

 

=P

I love it. XP I think I might actually redo that bit again, drawing inspiration from your versions! ^_^ Thank you so much! :3

Spoiler

 

How's this? :D

Love it =D

 

Glad I could help

Thank you so much, man! ^_^ You're awesome!

I'm with lon on this one, but I really love the feeling of the whole snipet throughout. 10/10 Phantom :3

May 2017

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