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Writing Snippet (WARNING: Violence)

Purple Phantom

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So, I wrote something and would like some critique! I'll warn you now, there is violence.

 

Backstory for this: Our MC, here, is trying to show the world how truly evil his father and his father's company is. In this scene, he gets caught in the act by his father, who proves that even his own child is not too precious to feel pain.

 

If you are uncomfortable reading about violence and the like, I suggest you exit, now. If not, let me know what you think. How could I improve this scene? How could I better achieve what I wish to portray, here? What are some areas in which I could be stronger?

 

 

 

Julius dug around in the files, silently begging the one he needed to be in the pile. He grimaced, hearing the pages of one flutter loudly as it tumbled to the floor. He scrambled to pick it up, sort the pages back into some semblance of straightness and order and return it within its folder. As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him. Suddenly, he felt pressure in the back of his hand. He tried to lift it off the desk, but to no avail. His hand tingled intensely. He tried, again. A burning heat exploded from the point of pressure. He looked at his hand, flinching and realized, with horror, that there was a knife going through it. The hand holding the knife in wiggled it and ripped it free. Julius stared in shock at his hand. Before he could catch up with the present moment, he was thrust against the wall. Looking at his attacker, he realized with fright that his father was grinning down at him. Julius’ eyes widened in terror, thoughts of his brutal murder filling his mind. Gilbert stabbed Julius’ hand into the wall.

“So,†he said in that calm, dangerous tone of voice, “You’re plotting against me.†Julius shook in silent terror. How did he find out? He’d kept everything secret. He hadn’t told anyone. Everything had been hidden. He’d looped the security camera feed. He’d kept out of sight. His mind blanked as Gilbert twisted the knife. Julius held back a shriek of pain. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. He couldn’t back down. Not now.

“Yes,†he winced. No more would he lie about this. He’d been caught red handed.

“But Julius,†Gilbert replied, twisting the knife again, “Surely you know the cost of this action. Surely you know what happens when you cross me. You’ve seen it, before. You’ve been through it.â€

“I’m done being a coward,†Julius replied, “I’m done being your property.†He winced as the blade twisted, again. “I’m done being a Peterson.â€

 

 


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Ooo storytime! =D

 

Nice little story. The first few sentences are a bit too flowery for my taste. it does convey Julius's emotions from moment to moment though. He is quite anxious. I would continue that feeling in the next sentence, "As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him." A sudden shock of surprise or his heart skipping two beats, or all the air seemingly going out of his lungs. 

 

The next part is good, but if you get stabbed with a knife, anxious or not, you're going to feel a lot of pain real fast, and probably wouldn't be able to even attempt lifting your hand. Condense that part a bit. It's all happening within a second or two as well so sometimes making your sentences shorter to reflect that. Being stabbed seems to fit better into this whereas the beginning, drawing out each moment is more appropriate. If our nervously searching around, every second is going to feel like an eternity. 

 

I like everything after just how it is. I kinda like referring to his father by his name. In that sort of relationship, he's really just a father in name only. It would make sense that Julius would refer to him by name once he worked up enough courage to stand up to him.

Knighterius and Purple Phantom like this

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How's this revision, Lone? :3

 

 

 

As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him. A harsh fear gripped him. His heart skipped a few beats. Time seemed to freeze in that short moment. Suddenly, a jolt of pain ripped through his hand as a knife dug through it and into the desk it had been resting on, snapping him out of his shock. He let out a shriek of pain and immediately snapped his gaze to his hand. The large hand holding the knife in wiggled the knife and ripped it free. Julius stared in shock at his hand. Before he could catch up with the present moment, he was thrust against the wall.

 

 

 

I'm glad you like it! ^_^ Thank you very much for your critique!

lonequeso likes this

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Not bad. How about:

 

As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him. An intense feeling of dread gripped him. His heart skipped a few beats. Time seemed to freeze. A sudden jolt of pain shocked back into reality. He let out a shriek of pain. His gaze snapped to his hand. A knife had stabbed straight through. The large hand holding the knife in wiggled it before ripping it free. Julius stared in shock at his hand. Before he could process what was happening, he was thrust against the wall.

 

 

I left it mostly the same. Just made it a bit more concise. If I were Julius, that's how I imagine my reaction would be. If you feel it would be different, go with what suits his character. I like "dread" more than "fear" because in connotes foreboding. Like somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was his father, but his conscious mind couldn't process it with the sudden shock and pain. 

Purple Phantom likes this

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Ooo! I gots another one.

 

As he stood up, he felt a hot breath on the back of his neck, and the faint smell of sulfur. He cringed in fear because he knew what was behind him. As he slowly turned his eyes confirmed that his mind already knew. 

Charizard.

 

=P

Purple Phantom likes this

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Ooo! I gots another one.

 

As he stood up, he felt a hot breath on the back of his neck, and the faint smell of sulfur. He cringed in fear because he knew what was behind him. As he slowly turned his eyes confirmed that his mind already knew. 

Charizard.

 

=P

I love it. XP I think I might actually redo that bit again, drawing inspiration from your versions! ^_^ Thank you so much! :3

lonequeso likes this

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As he stood up, he felt an arm wrap around him and the scent of cigarette smoke filled his nostrils. A harsh, intense dread gripped him tightly. His heart skipped a few beats. Time seemed to freeze. Suddenly, a jolt of pain ripped through his hand, snapping him out of his shock. He shrieked in pain and snapped his gaze to his hand. A knife had stabbed completely through to its hilt. The large hand holding it in wiggled it and ripped it free. Julius stared in mute shock. Before he could catch up with the present moment, he was thrust against the wall. He stared up at his attacker in terror as his fear was confirmed. His father was grinning down at him, the knife clenched tightly in his hand.

 

 

 

How's this? :D

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