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Mostly whatever comes to mind

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Entry 011: Clipped Wings and Broken Dreams

Last blog was some time ago...heh.   No one is really around anyway, and no one really reads these so it doesn't really matter.   "Clipped Wings? What ya mean by this?"

I have this growing feeling that I'm permanently imprisoned in this mortal flesh, for reasons I'll likely never know, but whomever did this to me, they do not deserve my forgiveness, regardless of intent, because I have suffered without due cause. Such is not acceptable, I was raised better than that. None of it means anything now, because I'm more and more sure that this parallel of existence has excluded all signs of the Divine Twenty-Four, and whomever designed this parallel, is likely also responsible in part or in full, for my imprisonment, and there's a good chance that I wasn't the only one. I want to scream. I want to fight this asshole. I want this piece of immoral trash who did to me to suffer as I have, to know the pain I have taken on, and for one reason, one reason alone. To end false karma. No more false karma. Goodbye to you, Church and State, to hate-filled immoral mortals, may the Void claim all of it and obliterate it in one fell swoop. If it claims me in the process, then so be it. I'll take this whole parallel with me. Better off in full erasure than to allow immorality to continue unabated.

I know I did nothing to deserve my imprisonment, nothing that any morally enriched individual would ever say that me being imprisoned was deserved in any form.
I was not perfect, far from it, but my imprisonment in mortal flesh is a far worse punishment than I've ever seen given to any individual. It's fifty thousand fold worse than any form of exile.

my imprisonment is a malicious act. Simple as that. It has allowed me to only suffer and never experience joy. You know what? I look forward to whatever calamity is coming, Yellowstone, massive meteorite, megafault collapse, black hole dissemination, whatever. I'll even take gray goo, lolz

@Kayzee You do mean a lot to me. I wish you no ill will, far from it. I'd rather be pulled from this mortal flesh prison by your own aetherial willpower.
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

23
 

darker times coming Entry 008: The Throes of Censorship, Avarice and Greed

With each passing day, I find the following to be more and more apparent...   There's this thing going on within the higher levels of societal classes, mainly the wealthy, and governing classes that disturbs the living sh*t out of me, and that is this massive censorship model that very few seem to even know about, let alone speak/act against.   Of course, I am talking about online and offline censorship, the former examples being Google, Facebook, Twitter and such, but also on the latter, with the police being allowed to use unnecessary force against people whom have done nothing wrong, against those who are exercising their rights, and the government and corporations fueling these things with their own manpower and most importantly, their own damned, blood-covered silver. (There are numerous other examples but police are really high on the list and frequency of occurrence is impossible to ignore)   It saddens, angers, and enrages me to see this happen, not only to people who don't have a clue, but to people that speak/act against it.   I personally am not fond of certain freedoms because of how badly they are abused, but f*ck all if they are to be taken away by the very same mortals, MORTALS who swore an oath to PROTECT the very same rights.   Of course, there are some parts of the world where such natural rights are either restricted or even completely obliterated by blasphemous religious regimes and/or avaricious and greedy governmental factions, in which, my only wish is for those who suffer undeservingly to either have their pain ended swiftly and mercifully, or for their oppressors to be brought to their overdue end.   'Tekasshuroten'   Roughly translated to English from my native tongue, it means 'made to speak falsely' which is synonymous with 'censorship'.   One quick tidbit about Parolian context... -ssha/-sshi/-sshu/-sshe/-ssho/-ssya are secondary prefixes which are indicative of negative context accenture (meaning that the phrase will always sound like the person is speaking vilely of the context). In other words, censorship is seen as a bad thing in my native tongue (and logically so).   Anyway, moving on to the next thing and that is how the greedy, avaricious model of censorship has filtered down into various areas of general society, such as public places, online forums, among others. There's a system in place that does allow at the discretion of the higher ups of any given public place, forum and so on to censor the lesser masses, regardless of whether those involved in the censorship process are right or wrong. Of course, that is really no fault of the higher-ups, though allowing oneself to feel right in censoring another regardless of whether the act was right or wrong is a massive character flaw, and that is something I have seen and been a victim of, time and again.   That said, more often than not, this is something most don't even realize that they're doing, and the reasons why list potentially in the hundreds if not thousands, and since I'm no thorough expert on the inner workings of the mortal mind (though I'm an expert at predicting actions but that just takes practice and an unchanging redundancy), I won't really get into that since that is a bit beyond the scope of this blog (not to mention there are many things I do not know well enough about to bring my thoughts into the matter forward).   For those that are guilty of this, but are unaware, I do hope that one day, you do catch it, and reflect on the potential negative influx you're creating, so that one can be more balanced in making decisions that affect others.   For those that are the opposite of the unaware, the ones that do this for the sick pleasure of it (fortunately I've only run into a small handful like this in recent times and never more than that), if you ever run into me, no matter where or when, I won't let you off easy. You're in for a painful reality check.   Now, you might be wondering why I wrote this blog post at all, especially here of all places.   Well, for one, it is good to let people know what is going on, no matter where the information is placed, as long as the balance is as close to equal as possible (I don't think I need to explain this further-hopefully). Two, there are some issues with language barrier censorship that I've come across rather frequently as of recent (and no, not just here but the little blurb about not 'liking the rules of the forum' was the final straw; either I get this off my chest or something bad would happen-likely offline because this is the kind of thing that does tend to set off my stress and unfairly at that), and I used to actually be guilty of this sort of thing myself. Of course, when one doesn't understand what the other is saying, naturally, that frustration will occur, but saying 'speak English pls' is a really bad way of going about it, not to mention quite disrespectful. It is better to ask for someone to translate, or for that person to try to speak more clearly, rather than throw up a false language barrier.   I get it, this is an English-speaking forum, no further commentary on the subject needed, but how many of us have English as a first language, or even a second language? Hell, how many of us rely on the rather unreliable Google Translate for English translations? I can almost guarantee that quite a few of us rely on some form of a less-than-reliable translator just simply because of that restriction. I mean, yeah, sure, the restriction does make some sense, but to have it shoved in our faces, it is just not okay and sets a bad example.   I mean, this is not an 18+ site, there are people here that are potentially impressionable; let us not set that example for them to follow, or even let that even be a possible mindset.   Of course, let us also let them think for themselves, which also means that the censorship model is even worse to have, in the case of free thinking and expression.   Not saying that we should abandon having certain restrictions, but for those of us who do not speak English (or for a Spanish forum, do not speak Spanish or -insert language here), don't admonish us just because we don't know the language. That is all we ask. And if we're feeling good and we say/sing/shout something in our native tongues, don't kill the vibe by saying 'speak English pls'. We wouldn't do that to you (or at least I would like to think we wouldn't but I cannot truly speak for everyone).   As a race of beings designed to coexist, we're currently doing one Hell of a job dividing ourselves, and one of the ways we're accomplishing this is through the current censorship model, whether on purpose or not. Let us unite and end this. Together, we can end the throes of censorship, greed and avarice.  
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

20
 

idiocy Entry 007: Singled Out; Forced Oppression, and other depressing crap

I find myself in this putrid limelight often, being shamed for just being myself, for speaking the truth, for just...being...honest...and I tell ya, I'M DAMN SICK OF IT.   It happens to me everywhere, so I'm slowly dropping out of the limelight's reach on more and more social platforms. I already gave up on more than half of them, for this among other reasons, which includes Facebook, Deviant Art, Twitter, Instagram, Photobucket, and soon to follow will be Twitch, Discord, and all other forum-based platforms, if this is to continue, because I cannot justify conformity in any sense. It is thoroughly immoral, and furthermore, both damaging and senseless.   Also, conformity != civility. If anything, the two are complete opposites (and they are).   And before anyone starts a tirade on this, for whatever reason...   I am not like most; I present the facts in a way that is not often seen as much more than 'crazy talk'; to the commoner, I am just 'crazy', but that's their ignorance and their privilege showing. If anything, my level of intellect on a lot of things should be granting me 'pedestal status', or at the very least, some level of glowing praise, but not in this day and age, where superior intellect == mental illness and/or instability. Am I too intelligent for my own good? Probably, but there's nothing I can do about it, short of getting a lobotomy.   If you feel the need to not read any further, then please, by all means, don't. But I also do not want a two-bit opinion if you're not to read the full post. That's trolling, another sickening thing about the twenty-first century humanity, which is anything but human.   Back to intellect. "Okay, if you're so smart, why can't you fix this, or that? Or the world?"   There's one way to fix the world...you won't like it either.   Someone once illustrated the solution to the world's problems, and though there were no humans in it, there were four guillotines, seven nooses, and a bloodied heavy axe hung on a stone wall. There was a caption that said 'for those who feel the world is needing of change, but have no contributions to give, feel free to offer your life so that others may thrive'.   Obviously, no one who believes they are in control of their own lives would go for it, but in all due honesty, I could probably list a few thousand people by name who definitely would qualify as needing this type of voluntary execution (I won't mention any names), myself included.   "Wait, why would you include yourself??"   Because, as smart as I am, I lack the capability at the practical level to create the change. I'd be a liability, just another impractical asset whose intellect would likely not find much use, and therefore, would not be vital. That's all. The fact that it would be the end of my imprisonment here is irrelevant.   "You're so dramatic, so negative..."   Yeah, I know. I've explained this already, so I won't go there again, it stresses me out even further.   I'll tell you this. I'd rather write (or in this case type) out my frustrations, than have my frustrations be channeled through my fists into an inanimate object, like a wall, window, or at the worst, to grab a knife and show my extreme duress by positioning it into the seppuku preparation stage.   "You need professional help."   I HAD that before I moved from Colorado. I had a great team of doctors aiding me, and I was slowly recovering, but now I don't even have insurance, and likely don't even qualify, thanks to Donald JACKASS Trump and his BS TrumpCare.   "Why did you move from Colorado??"   Because, on my FIXED and VERY LIMITED income, I could no longer afford to live there. The cost of living keeps increasing, but the bottom line never follows. Soon, only the wealthy will survive...my middle finger (both of them) to that.   "Is there anything that I (or we) can do, to help?"   I always accept donations (not that I get any or have ever gotten any), so there is that. Otherwise, over the internet, there is little that can be done, or even asked of.   -----------------------------   One thing about all this, is that if I were to ever make it out, and to become a great success, I would never forget about the struggles, and most certainly would never forget about those who also suffer, which is why PHANTOM Enterprises will always be a non-profit company, and that my band, Karma Bitches, will never have copyrights on our music.   Pie in the Sky dreams, I know...
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

11
 

depression Entry 00A: Just a blurb mostly

I really just want to get a few things off my chest, however, I don't really expect anyone to care, but to those who give pause, and don't troll, thank you in advance.   So, first off, I figured I'd mention that though I was truly born in the Spring, by the 'legal' piece of paper I'm damned by, I've been imprisoned on this planet for 32 years, as of 12:57 this morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, on my details I have it set as a date far more recent; I won't lie, the facts are that I have almost completely separated myself from my 'legal bs' identity, however, there are some things that I cannot do as of yet, given the risk of perjury. But make no mistake, there is no one that can tell me who I am without being biased; only I know me, and I shame those who would say otherwise.   Next, no, I want no birthday wishes. I kept this to a blog post for that reason. I have nothing to celebrate; I'm NOT going to go get drunk or go party or whatever, I'm not that kind of girl and to many, I'm just a mentally ill man who wishes he were a woman. My middle fingers to every single one of them and I hope they all get what they deserve, nothing good I assure you.   I'm also sick of this 'fantasy land' nonsense. I know some mean it as a joke, and I often laugh with you on that; it is when it is taken into serious consideration that I'm 'off my rocker' for having memories far more clear of my homeland than of the pain and suffering I've been through here AGAINST MY WILL, that I am absolutely offended, and how dare you.   As much as I wish to sunder this mortal flesh, it would be better to reverse the evil deus ex machina's whole plot, so that the mortal flesh may actually have a mortal soul as an occupant instead of being a torture chamber cell for a non-mortal who was obviously a threat someone's evil plot as far as I can tell. Reversing said plot would be a lot easier if I knew where to start looking for any information that may lead to how it was done, but even searching for a local Pagan group online has net nothing, though I blame Google and Ajit Piefacefart for part of that.   As far as gamedev goes, I'm still running into Syntax snags, but I'm working on it, mostly alone this time. Nothing further to post so no updates as of yet (they'll be in my Game Cabinet blog if I decide to actually post anymore updates at all).   Honest, hand to Odinn confession: I've never felt so homesick than I do now. I don't know what to do, other than let time pass me by at this point, while doing my best to remain occupied...   You see, most of what I say online, if I dare talk about it offline...just causes issues. There's an empty seat at the table, an empty lab station at the academy, an empty bed at my house...all because I am imprisoned here...and I am so sick of being treated like I know nothing. It boils my blood, insults my intellect, and is like a knife in the back being twisted day in and out. Gross.   There, I've gotten that off my chest. Back to...something. Likely Discord.
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

11
 

Entry 00C: Hard to come up with a title; just read it (or don't - I don't care)

I'm sure people are aware of things going down because of that jackass in the White House.   If things go down the way I expect them to, I'd like to say good-bye in advance, because I won't let my demise be by the hands of anyone else but my own.   Where I currently live, is well within the blast range of a primary target for nuclear strikes. Even underground, my chances of survival are low, and there are no shelters of any kind within a few hundred feet. So, I'll be taking care of things, and buying rope.   I know what I'm saying is brutal, and may be ridiculous to many, but to Hell with the idea of allowing anyone to dictate what happens in any part of my existence, even the end of it.   Some will try to run, or to hide, and I can only wish them the best of luck. Surviving the initial strike is only one part. Once the initial strike happens, further strikes will have no warnings.   This is no conspiracy theory, no fear mongering nonsense. All this is, is the throes of someone whose life went from fantastic, to garbage, to futile effort, with no known fault of her own in the equation. Not saying I have no fault in anything that occurred, but to say I do have fault when I cannot think of anything I may have done wrong is just as bad as lying about it.   ...If you've read this far, then I hope you're able to forgive my emotions as they run rampant. I don't want to end it all, but unless something happens that changes the outcome of this act of stupidity by the jackass in the White House, it will come down to those two options.   In advance, fare all thee well; maybe we'll meet in Asuria...
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

10
 

Entry 001: Summer storms and other stuff

For most of the afternoon and evening where I live has been under severe weather watches and/or warnings in one form or another. Mostly, severe thunderstorm warnings and watches, but tornado watches and a few warnings as well.   Where I live, the weather has just started turning towards the nastier side, otherwise just overcast and cool.   We had a severe thunderstorm warning briefly not too long ago, said related storm raced through the area like a Ferrari on the Audobahn and was here and gone in five minutes tops.   But in other areas, heavy rain, strong winds, straight line winds, large hail and rotation with and without associated wall clouds were a huge part of a two-hundred mile length thunderstorm chain. That chain was never near my area though...   There were some reports of tornadoes, funnel clouds and the like, but any damage reports were related to the strong winds, one report which was actually shown on live coverage was of an old tree completely uprooted from the ground, a sad sight indeed.   Right now, there's some thunder rumbling, birds chirping, perhaps some light drizzle, but nothing severe at the moment.   Yeah, the location I have on my profile is where I am from, not where I live currently.   That's right, I live in Tornado Alley, and though I didn't want to move here...that's for another story, another time.   Amyrakunejo, signing off...
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

8
 

Entry 00E: Trying to find a Balance where there isn't one...

So, yeah, I've been on a mean roller coaster of emotions as of recent, but the fact remains that life is not good and slowly becoming unlivable. As sad as that is, I've found that anything I do to attempt to make any sort of changes at all, gets thwarted by everything and everyone, aware or unaware, the blame, cause and effect is evenly spread.   I could talk about how things could be better, and all that, but I won't because none of it matters.   All that matters is diving into the same debauchery and living by it like everyone else, regardless of how it clashes with you.   The alternative is undeserved suffering at the hands of the greedy and avaricious.   Of course, you know me, I take the alternative path and that won't change, but what will, is how I react to the way I am treated because I have reached my limit on how much nonsense I can handle, and I will be fair, but going forward, those that treat me like garbage, will receive the same, and if those that treat me like garbage just happen to be 'perceived authority figures', I will add an extra layer of shame upon them. This applies online and offline. Treat me like an equal, be decent, honest and fair, all square.   I won't change my views on any given thing, but there are things I will be more vocal about, especially if it falls under avarice, hate, and/or greed.   I am a disabled person, my income is fixed and very limited, so yes, I do accept donations, but because of the absolute f*ckery by the likes of PayPal and GoFundMe, the donations are to be cash by mail only. I've received a couple of these, and it works just fine, just slip the money in a letter or something.

Next, I want to talk about gamedev in general. One of my main issues is that so much garbage goes on, that it really affects my creative flow, and as of recent, I've had many more periods of major creative stagnation than I've ever had in a year. That tells me that something needs to change, but the issue lies once again in my finances which are lackluster at best and not even in my control, for reasons unknown and likely invalid. "Why don't you get a job?"
I've tried; I don't have the ability to be patient and submit applications on a cycle, my mind doesn't work that way. "Why don't you change these things, improve them?" That's as realistic as me growing a second set of arms, period. "You're just being negative." You be positive, I'll be realistic. (Thanks, Uncle Frank. -Home Alone) "(Transphobic/homophobic nonsense)"
I look better in a dress than you do, you jealous or something? I can bind you to a chair and make you a woman...
  Yep, these are FAQ. Another thing about gamedev is that it is never something I can just get into; I do have to be in a certain mindset to get into it, usually the 'inspired' mindset. Sometimes, gaming helps me get there, sometimes not. I'm also one person, and yes, figuring everything out on my own is not possible. I use assets and ask for help because this is necessary, period. But it's not necessary to put a price tag on said assistance, and that is where I stand on that. If one says they'll assist but later on require some sort of recompense, that is an absolute deal breaker, and I keep 100% of everything, assets, or otherwise because that's the price of lying to me. But that's only applicable in cases where no initial cost was agreed upon, however, in a case where one changes their agreed upon cost to something that is unrealistic, it will end in the same, I will keep everything because I was lied to. It's one thing if it is reasonable, but knowingly breaching your word and harming the other/s involved nullifies the agreement in full, and the one causing the harm gets nothing. Period.   So, anyway...enough about that. I'm going to end this with a little factoid. You can run RM in Safe Mode (it looks like garbage but that's how it is), and all one has to do is enable audio. it requires adding keys to the registry, but after that, a reboot into safe mode and audio is enabled. RM will run after that. You can play games even, test play, whatever, as long as none of what you program in requires Direct X, because there's no way that I know of, to enable that.   Yeah, that's about it. I know very few will read this (I expect as much because I'm just a trans chick drama queen to most people e.e), but it's better than holding everything in... Well, I think so anyway. Until next time. Maybe.
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

7
 

Entry 014: Con-Vid-19

I actually have very little to say that doesn't repeat what I've said before.

Fact is, what you hear from mainstream media and the government is not backed by anything but inflated numbers and fearmongering. Even those whom have said they know of someone near their circle of influence that has the infection cannot be certain that they're not being lied to. Why cover it up, @Kayzee? So that the evidence that proves the deaths to be anything but the 'pandemic' (PLANDEMIC) can never be exposed. I once believed there to be some plausibility to this, but I've not seen anything that backs this up.

It's a scam, and one in the works for a long time. Goes as far back as the fraud cover-up known as 9/11 that destroyed mountains of financial records of the government's fraudulent acts, and likely even farther. I'm going to keep this short and simple. #FOLLOWTHEMONEYTRAILS
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

7
 

Entry 015: 'Cuties' (Twatties)

I've not seen the movie (Netflix is and will always be a wealth-based privilege), but I did watch the review by SidAlpha, and from what I gathered, it is less about 'coming of age' than it is about twats being rebellious, something I can relate to but nothing like that. Apart from this, I really don't have much to say.

I don't think that the intent of the creator was malicious, but in the end, it's not about intent, but about content; the content is trash/poorly cobbled together storytelling.

Yes; twat and brat are the same thing. Brat is 'MuRiCaN' terminology, but all the same, all the same, English is such an odd language.


Anyway, arbitrary age and maturity do not go hand-in-hand; one only need to see what Donald Trump is tweeting for one prime example of many, of how immature 'adults' almost always are. I used to know one person, who at the time, was 'underage' but also homeless and no one cared otherwise. She performed sex work for money, and last I knew, had been victimized by thugs with badges and guns because her client's arbitrary age was much higher. If not a victim of theft because I don't know if she got paid beforehand (the thugs were lying in wait), at the very least, they only went after the client and didn't provide her with any aid at all. I've not seen or heard from her in a long time. Maybe she found a way out, maybe she's buried six feet under, or incarcerated, Odinn only knows... I do know one thing. She knew, and understood. She understood the potential domino effect, and to me, that's more than mature enough.
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

6
 

Entry 002: IP Hacked; Windows Drivers failing...coincidence?

I had an account on RPG Maker Web a couple years back, and I had gone away for a couple weeks. Well, someone decided to hack my account, and not just that one, but several, but the point is, is that when my RMW account was hacked, whomever did it decided to sabotage my account and the staff fell for it. Guess what happened?   I got banned. Oh yeah, my IP got banned. No, emailing the administrators doesn't work, like ever, because I tried for a week, and got no fucking response. At the time, I lived elsewhere, and after the move, I thought about starting up another, only to find that someone had not only hacked my IP, but also, my computer, and had used someone else's account through my computer to do some really lewd things...   Now my IP has been banned on both RMW and RMN.   This all coincides with core Windows drivers failing, at least for the second time I got hacked. So I'm wondering if the hack actually caused this problem.   Of course, I did a re-install of Windows using the disc (the anytime upgrade option so as to not lose all my files), and the drivers were restored, as was the firewall.   But I beg to ask, why me? Why this person, whomever they might of been. Just, why?   Well...other than that and life being unrealistically unfair, nothing more to say...   Other than...   Top40 music is not music, and anyone who says otherwise has no taste at all.   Amyrakunejo, signing off...
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

5
 

Entry 00D: Computer Upgrades, Blah Blah

So yeah, I finally got my computer up and running once more.   It's not a done deal; need to do more upgrades, but I do have a nice start.   Upgrade 1: New Disc Drive; I once had a DVD-ROM/CD-RW drive, I have a DVD+-RW now (it reads and writes to DVDs as well as CDs)   Upgrade 2: New (to me) HDD; it's a 1 TB HDD, that runs at up to 15,000 RPM, and when it does, it's very f*cking loud, reminiscent of old school PCs. I've made a Win 7 partition, and a secondary partition, and thus far, it runs decently. However, in many areas, there is much that could be improved upon.   I haven't installed Linux yet; I'm not so sure that the version I had downloaded will actually run because although my CPU is 64-bit, I'm not so sure it'll handle a 64-bit OS. I had tried running XP from a burned DVD disc that I had been sent some time back, and kept getting an odd error message that made no sense whatsoever, until I saw that it was loading up 64-bit files. That's the only thing I can come up with. Ah well, I have Windows 7 running, it'll work for now.   Another odd thing I ran into was when I reinstalled VX Ace. I did not have this issue before where starting a new project would lock up the program, but it started doing that all of a sudden. I was able to circumvent this by opting into the old non-Steam version beta, but still, odd.   I also moved my MV Steam install files from my old HDD, and it started right up Of course, it still lags badly and I'm damn sure that if I didn't have that opengl32.dll file, it wouldn't run at all, but I'm still glad that @Radiant Arin bought the engine for me. I'll eventually get to do something with it, just need better hardware, lol   In speaking of moving all my old Steam install files, I could do that for all of them and just have Steam verify them. It would make much more sense, lol (I'm going to do this for RPG Maker and GCH:PE)   Oh, but what's the verdict on Throes of Damnation? Still shelved, but I have all the files; I can take what I need from them for other projects. Especially the scripts; those are important as I don't have backups otherwise... @Kayzee, darling, all that work you helped me with was not lost. 
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

5
 

Entry 016: Novara; Rachel.

Novara.
Rachel. I've seen/heard these names a few times in sleep visions I've recently had. The former is written on a trader's map, written in a font different from any of the other scratchings on it, as if it were part of the original map from before the trader acquired it. In my native tongue, Novara has a few meanings, most often referring to 'beginning and end', and as a name, feminine, rarely used because it has the same connotations. Not sure, if the name on the map is the cartographer, name of the region, or name of the planet, but the map in question is of my homeland and in part, surrounding areas. The scratchings on the map indicated that my hometown is a favorite of this particular trader. I came across the map early one sleepless morning, just as some of the people that barter their goods in the market square were setting up their shops. Likely, the map wasn't discarded purposely, but I never found the owner. Yeah; I know not, the name of my home world, or the names of many areas. I in fact do not know much about the geography of my home world, as I've never actually studied it. Of course, if I did want to travel abroad for a living I'd have to, or would need a navigator who is in the trade. --- Rachel. (Rah-shell) I've heard this person's name a few times in my sleep visions. I've come to realize that, the person who this mortal flesh belongs to, goes by that name. Beyond that, I know nothing else, not even he/she/they/ana-kata. What it means, though, is that, the person who this mortal flesh belongs to, also does not go by what it says on any 'legal' document. Of course, we all know that #LegalIdentityIsSuperficial.
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

3
 

Entry 004: Broken Doll

As one can see, I'm a very fragile individual, capable of going to pieces at the slightest provocation.   There really is no cure or treatment for this short of immaculate and constant love and affection, which is a harem-based fairytale that is unrealistic, so I'll likely never heal, but I'll be damned if Joe Jackass Motherfucking Cuntwipe Hackershithead gets to win because he was able to screw myself and someone else through their mischief.   This debacle has scarred me, and since there is no chance of healing it...   This broken doll is going away.
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

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real life Entry 005: Everyone, Shut Up!

Despite the title sounding a bit ruffian, I've really gotten sick of all the crap on TV, on the internet, what idiots in power and/or wealth are doing, and so on; it's giving me a damn headache, causing me sleep cycle issues, and overall, killing my creative drive.   I want them all, to shut, the *******************, UP. I don't wanna hear it anymore. All I wanna hear, is the clicking of my keyboard, mouse, and controller, the AVGN when he gets pissed off, SidAlpha's game/munchies reviews, the great content made by LGR, 8-Bit Guy/Keys, among others in that category, and the music I love, dammit!   But oh no, can't have that, no, if everything goes right, it's the end of the world!   So, the game continues to cheat, Ruby continues to throw invalid errors, my own computer continues to lag, the fake news and fake online media continue blabbing their bullshit, and I'm really starting to get edgy. I don't really drink, but I'm definitely tempted. I don't cut, but the temptation is there (though to be truthful I'd rather just sever the arteries of my abdominal organs than anything else). I'm very angry, and I've really been thrown under the bus as far as getting much needed aid is concerned, so maybe a public demonstration of their folly is in due order.   In other news, the Clone Hero project is coming along great, with Alpha v.13 just released today. It's looking pretty good now, with Practice Mode being a thing, as well as new art.     I honestly wish I could play this on Expert, but it is just way too hard for me...
PhoenixSoul

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visions Entry 006: Third Eye; Demotivation

Before I start, I just want everyone to know that this is a great community, and is in no part to blame for my demotivation, but there are some members whom have not made it the easiest to handle things, especially when I talk about things from my own perspective which I came to the realization long ago that only I can grasp.   Backing off of that to what I actually came to talk about.   I don't know about everyone here, but as much as I don't believe in the religious nonsense going around (and that is something I will not explain in any further detail-at least not here), there is something that appears to make some sort of sense. You might of read that one of the blog tags is 9/23. What does it mean?   Well, it could mean 9 of 23 parts, but no, that wouldn't have any correlation with this. It correlates with September 23. Without going into a great amount of detail, there's some sort of prophecy going around that involves a star that is only visible once every so often (it is said to be every two-thousand years but there is absolutely no way to be definitively certain), as well as this astrological phenomenon about the orbit of Jupiter. The astrological part makes sense, because the said star that appears now is one that is eventually going to die, likely as a supernova, which this planet may see in roughly a hundred thousand years or so (if all other cosmic entities remain the same until then). Also, Jupiter's orbit is going to move in that certain way around that time, and this (visibly) happens once every few hundred years, give or take a few.   Here's the skivvy on this. This whole biblical prophecy, if it were to have played to the letter, it would of occurred already. Or, another thought on the matter is that it won't truly occur as it would have been stated, but as events that humankind had incited. Fact is, a lot of the crap that is going down now, the way that true human evil has begun corrupting everyone, is a testament to the latter, and is also how events would play out, as written in Shinryu's Grimoire, not a mortal-written manifest of stories that sounds much more like a glorified horror story than anything.   However, if there is one thing that the Bible and Shinryu's Grimoire agree with, on a major point, it would be the astrological events.   Okay, you might be reading this and thinking 'Oh great, another bitch that wants us to repent to her gods' or some other nonsense. Believe what you will, but it isn't the case. Actually, repentance, asking for forgiveness, and such because this one deity who has more names than I can count on both hands gave his son who also shares the same names to die on a wooden crucifix, so as to bear mortalkind's sins...(and on and on)...is ludicrous. Fact is, to say ones' misdeeds against their fellow mortals are so easily forgiven by the sacrifice of a non-mortal is as much of a misdeed as any. It would be a waste of aetherial energy, a waste of life, and really, a waste, period. But enough about that, I needn't explain this further.   If one can forgive oneself for their own misdeeds, that is more than enough. If one can look in the mirror and say that they can move forward despite their wrongdoings and not second guess themselves, that is enlightenment. If one can spare a moment to assist one other, no matter for what cause, that is goodwill. There is where you find your 'forgiveness'.   I can sense you wanting to know about calamities, disasters and such. The Bible is very specific about what is to come, and if one thinks about it, these things to a certain scope are already occurring, though in all due honesty, not in the order given. The weather patterns globally are changing on a rather drastic scale, and in connection, people in power are choosing to ignore those in need. Sorry, this is out of the scope of the Bible, but once again, is dead on with Shinryu's Grimoire instead.   Raging seas, Torrential winds, Surging storms, Trembling terrain, Ankhura, Totria, Deuta, Aeria, the first four deities to invoke their wrath. Of course, this here has been going on for a good long time as is, and has only been gradually increasing in severity, to where it is now. Again, this is all from Shinryu's Grimoire.   'Okay, so what about visions?'   I have problems sleeping, for a long list of reasons (another time I may delve into that), but one of them is the visions that I have. In truth, these are infrequent and often are incredibly difficult to make any sense of, unless if the event I see in the vision is something I see whilst conscious. I've been having visions more frequently, and have had three in the past week alone, and the last twelve have been the same vision, if only viewed from different perspectives, but they all correlate with one thing, a specific date, which as of this blog entry, is three weeks from now.   All these visions, they view the ocean, from the eyes of various folk, the skies are overcast, the winds are powerful, there's lightning and rain falling, and at some point, I see various things like internal housing structures, televisions being on (can't see what is on screen), and so on, but before these visions fade into a dream, I see a calendar or something similar, all with that specific date.   It doesn't help that this often awakens me and hinders my sleep, which is causing me to feel less and less motivated to do much of anything.   'Impending disaster? End of days??'   This is one thing where the Bible and Shinryu's Grimoire differ entirely. There are many names for them given by mortalkind, but the twenty-four deities that govern the various aspects of existence do interfere when mortalkind gets 'out of hand', but how they interfere is not set in stone, and for each time they have interfered, their method has been different, never the same. But to eliminate all mortals, that is not something they do, nor do they force suffering if there can be a simpler solution.   I could explain all this in much greater detail, however, I have not read Shinryu's Grimoire in its' entirety, and to do so would take an incredibly long time, so I do not know how the divine twenty-four would handle a race of warmongers like this one, but I am almost certain that their interference will almost certainly go unnoticed except by the very few that actually know what their handiwork would look like.   It isn't like my Auntie Khali is going to burn down whole civilized regions with her flames, since the humans of Earth are more than capable of doing that themselves.   One sign that I'll be looking for, is one that only a few would notice. The stars in the sky will no longer represent the constellations everyone knows. Because Earth will no longer be a part of the Milky Way galaxy. Thing is, it won't be that easily noticeable, not until long after the changes were made.   What does that mean? By making this cosmic change, the cosmic calendar will have been interrupted, and so, all related scientific development will have been nullified.   Of course, this is one possible change, of many.   If they do have any direct interference, whereas it is conceded that a confrontation is necessary, it won't be pretty.    Will this all happen on the twenty-third? I cannot say, but cataclysmic change is on the horizon. As much as I'd love to say that a direct confrontation will occur, that is wishful thinking on my end because it means that all twenty-four deities will come, including my own mother...   I'd hate to have her see me as I am now, but...   Yeah, it likely won't happen, unless this mortal race as a whole becomes a large enough threat to existence, and far more than just its' own existence.   Even having all the potential threats to this mortal race's existence eliminated in a single night is unlikely, though would be welcomed on my end.   There a few very likely things to come to pass, one of those actually being something that has been reported to be overdue for an occurrence, which is Old Faithful's eruption. Another is that they let us kill one another with nuclear weapons, and then interfere to alleviate the aftermath. The possibility that the solar system will be moved seamlessly from one place to another is also likely. As for the disasters written in the Bible, anything that has to do with cosmic events can happen at anytime, but all else is not as much likely, and as far as Babylon goes, which one? Take your pick, there's at least a million of them.   Yes, I'm aware of the ID microchips starting their run, this whole 'mark of the beast' thing. In Shinryu's Grimoire, a similar thing occurs with similar functionality in one era, and it is coined as the 'Mark of Death'. It is basically the same thing, but unlike the Bible, it is mentioned four times and is largely unrelated to much of anything else, whereas this 'Mark of the Beast' is glorified as fuck in the Bible, though it doesn't really mean a whole lot in the big picture (but I sure as fuck don't want the damn thing).   'What about famine, disease, the rapture?'   Two of the three, humans cause enough of as is. As far as the rapture goes, one of the twenty-four deities is the governing force of Rapture, though that has much less to do with allocating the truly innocent and having them wait out the apocalyptic advent than it does with the realization that one has done wrong.   So, who would be responsible for the allocation of the truly innocent? That would be the Harborer of Innocence, though that would not be done with a raging storm, but more rather through an event where visibility was reduced to absolutely nothing for a split second. That kind of thing has only happened once, and would be unlikely to happen here.   'Red rivers?'   Undrinkable water? Yeah, that's all the water on Planet Earth now, even if it isn't the hue of blood (SLAYER made a killing off that idea when they put it to song), so that's been a thing for...at least five hundred years (though it has only gotten much worse in the past twenty or so).   'So, what does any of this have to do with world events, your life, and so on?'   Well, I did a long-winded explanation of world events already, and I'm not doing it again. As far as my life goes, if suddenly, I am no longer active here, and these odd things that mortalkind doesn't expect are going on, there is a good chance that I've gone home, where I won't have internet, or even half of the modern technology I had here, but it is where I belong, dammit. I am only a prisoner here, and I never belonged here in the first place.   But that is for another chapter.   Amyrakunejo, Princess of Purity, taking off to the skies.
PhoenixSoul

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good turned bad Entry 009: Disrespected and Humiliated

Yeah, I could write out a long post, but I won't.   What happened before will never happen again.   I'll make sure to archive everything I say from here onward.   Meant to do that for the lighthearted post but ultimately didn't think it was necessary. I was wrong for thinking so. It won't happen again because I won't let it. All my blog posts from here onward I will archive, and if such an issue arises, it will be mitigated and invalidated.   May the Divine Twenty-Four guide the benevolent to their light...
PhoenixSoul

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Entry 00F: Earth, I Do Not Belong Here

Being honest, being kind, you name it, it offends at least one person, and it's one thing if said person is just an otherwise nameless individual who you'd likely never run into again, but it is so much more disruptive when it is a person of trust or worse, someone you care about.   And yet...there's nothing to be done about it, it just is, and that's one reason why Earth is not a place where I belong; I was not raised to handle such cognitive dissonance, or to be more clear, I wasn't given the chance to learn how to handle it, which is why my imprisonment in this mortal flesh is all the more a crime against existence as a whole, because it puts so much out of balance, nothing is as it is supposed to be. Of course, I expect no one to understand this, so I won't explain further. I know one individual will challenge my viewpoint, and even if her heart is in the right place, ultimately, it only serves to invalidate my experiences, which is something I deal with far too much to even be remotely fair or valid.   There are many more reasons, many, many more, but thinking about all this, knowing that all that matters is I'm here and actively being punished for reasons unknown, and I'm just a kid ffs (or I was when my imprisonment was forced upon me), forced to live as an adult would, and it is throwing me for a tizzy loop. It's hurting me, and releasing myself is most of what I am able to think about lately. I hate it here, I'm sick of the lying, cheating nonsense, and all I want is for it to end. Am I selfish for wanting this to just be over? I don't care what you think, I know the answer is no, and the reason why the answer is no is because unexplained, unearned, undeserved punishment like this, by default, indemnifies me against all ill intent unless I do something to earn this punishment, and I have done no such thing, which I also know to be true. In the eyes of mortals, I am the product of 'sin', but in truth, they have burdened me with their own misconduct, and therefore, I have no blame to claim. I am not a mortal, just imprisoned inside mortal flesh. I should also note that I am also not bound by any laws made by mortals.
PhoenixSoul

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Entry 00F +1: Equality and Reputability v. Predatory Businesses (minor blurb)

Back home, those that ran businesses that did not cooperate with the community system of equality and reputability, would have their businesses torn to the ground. Literally, and I've seen it happen. Even large businesses are not immune to this, and so when the time comes for society to return to their Anarchist roots, large businesses that violate the basics of equality and reputability will be torn down just the same.
That will include pretty much all of Silicon Valley.   These businesses have far too much power, and should not be allowed to exist in their current state. Pretty much all there is to say, but I know at least one person will have something to say in retort.
PhoenixSoul

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Entry 003: Motivation: The Fail

This won't be a long, drawn out entry.   It seems that my IP address is no longer banned on RMW or RMN (but from what I was able to gather it never was on RMW).   I did create a new account on RMW some time back, though I had to use a proxy to get in. Well, it has been since May 10, and I can't even make a fucking introductory post (oh yes, familiar and brutally UNFAIR TERRITORY HERE).   So, I'm asking for someone from here to go speak with a fair admin over on RMW, please, for heaven's sake.   Of course, I don't know of anyone here that has an account on RMW, well, except one unless she moved from there to here, that being Amysaurus.   But seriously, please, help me. I'd try to contact one of the admins myself, but I do not like the idea of pleading an IP Hack case to people that are potentially partial.   I only ask, because I'd do the same for anyone else. Thank you in advance.   Oh, my account name? We'll discuss it not in public if you decide to assist me.   One more thing. It may help if the person who does assist me is both an admin here and on RMW.
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blurb Entry 00B: Memories Trickle In (but certain others are lost)

"00B? What's up with that, mang?"   0123456789ABCDEF == hexadecimal math, dumbass.   "Ummm..."   I don't have time for you, get lost.   *cricket chirps*   Anyway...   I've recently watched various videos on YouTube, covering a broad range of subjects, which has triggered memories of my true life. Nothing too special or ceremonious, and the majority of them are from when I was still being homeschooled (explanation after I share my memories), but it does bring to mind the realization that I went through experimental phases myself...   I honestly remember the first time I ever tried on makeup. It was a disaster, however, with my then very pale complexion (as pale as my mother's at the same age-but hers never deepened), the blue lip paint actually looked good on me once Phyllis corrected all of my mishap. For the record, one could say I was the equivalent of five when this had occurred, and my mother was a very busy woman at the time, drilling soldiers in her own armed faction so that they could one day, function under the guise of another leader because she was looking to step away from the battlefield, hopefully forever, hanging her glaive, armor and polearm up for good. At any rate, I went through the 'rainbow phase' and by the end of that, I knew that I wasn't like the other girls.   I want to take a bit to explain how education works at home before going on.   First off, education is not a systemized thing; most parents are going to take the homeschooling route, because a lot of the lessons/experiences can only be taught by the parent, which includes their own education. If the parents/guardians do choose to implement early academic learning, it often requires an in-house tutor, unless they wish to send their children to a suitable academy for the young (which in Asuria there is not one since the closure of Esan'noyuzan Academy due to the entirety of the region being deemed uninhabitable after the last freak storm that ravaged the already softened ground making all structures built on the land unstable). Since such usually invokes a rather high cost, it isn't suitable for most parents (education is free in Asuria, but there are costs involved in sending children to other nations as well as the possibility that the academy does require payment). Most parents go the homeschooling route, with tutoring intermittently, until their children are able to take the 'Secondary Exam' (the exam all people are required to take in order to move forward in their education as well as life in general).   My next memory is actually a painful one. It involves the aforementioned 'Secondary Exam' (I put that in quotes because the translation to English actually removes most of the meaning but the exam itself is very trying and exhausting...)   I was always one of those 'intelligently curious' types, meaning that I wanted to know more, and more, and more, often times taking under flights of fancy when I should of been making sure I knew the basics and could handle them aptly. This alone made the exam that I was to undergo very soon quite taxing. I never worried about it myself, until I was given a tour of the examination arena (the entire exam is done in one large area but is sectioned off into several different sub sectors). I could hear metal clanging, people screaming, in battle cry and in agonizing pain, I heard bubbling, sizzling, more screams of agony, among other frightful things, including what sounded like a monster eating people (actually this wasn't true at all-just an auditory illusion that was also a part of the exam), and a couple fighting over whatever, in which that ended with one of the two biting it.   That wasn't the worst part. No, it was the nightmares that ensued, knowing that I'd be faced with that exam. What I didn't know, was the tour was one part of the exam, and though I clearly had hidden the fact that it was all very damn scary, I couldn't hide the fact that it had ended my distractions, and allowed me to focus on passing it. I passed that part just for that.   When the time came for me to take the exam, I had just started developing (you know what I mean), so there was even more potential for me to give into the fear, turn tail and run. However, my intelligently curious mind came at this exam strongly, and the fear, while there initially, started to fade, and by the time that part of the exam had concluded, I was face to face with the same monster from the auditory illusion, and I still remember what I said... "You think you're so powerful, so strong, so much higher than I, but you're wrong. I know how to hurt you, so try anything. I dare you." I was poised in a fighting stance I had observed my mother take so many times, and that was it. It all vanished, faded to white, and I awoke in my own bed. That's how the exam concludes for all that take it, pass or fail. Believe it or not, I failed the exam, not because I didn't face my fears, but because I faced them in a manner that invoked the idea that I was behaving like a twat. Yep, I showed my immaturity, by allowing myself to be exposed to unnecessary risk. However, I knew that if I took the exam again, that unless they completely wiped my memory of the first exam and presented different challenges, that I'd fail to meet their standards time and time again. This realization forced me to consult my mother, and my auntie. It was painful, because I knew that I was better than their standards, yet I couldn't pass their standards. So, after receiving their advice on taking the higher road, which involved petitioning the exam committee on revoking their failing marks, I decided to seek the advice of another, just to see if I could perchance a balance of opinions. I went to Liusya, who then was just a really close friend, but someone I admired a great deal, despite the fact that she to me was like one of those emo chicks that has the habit of cutting herself with large razor blades (excuse the stereotype nonsense) as a comparison, but you know what they say about how opposites attract...Liusya was a very dark, very mysterious woman, and still is, though her look would be more comparative to Dark Victorian than Emo. I went to her, and asked her about this. She told me that she passed her own exam after shaming the committee for using fear as a double standard mongering board. I weighed my options, and decided on taking the advice I was given, and made it into my own. I authored a short narrative on how I felt the exam was favored towards fear as a double standard, and included how I felt about each member of the committee, as well as any individual who showed their truest merits, only to be discredited. I gave it to the press to mass author, and within a short time, I received a response. My failed mark remained intact, and I had been barred from retaking the exam. I chose to not allow this. I took the pain I had been unfairly burdened with, and one of the swords from the armory, and in my righteous fury, I slashed the entirety of the exam arena. My fury and inner power went through the blade, causing some of the parts to ignite. After my fury was exhausted, I knelt and rested on the blade, burdened by fatigue. One could say that the amount of damage I did would be more than a hundred mortal men could do, in a fraction of the time. For me, one so young, to perform this feat at all was amazing, to have it not kill me (well, to evaporate my life energy anyway), was beyond incredible. My brother, whom had also failed the exam because of his ineptitude at understanding primal fear (he's even more analytical and skeptical than I), came to my aid, and carried me home. I never passed the exam, however, said exam was to be rebuilt with more than just grounding fear in mind. I and my brother are still barred from the exam, however... There is a silver lining to this. While said exam is required to enter some of the higher qualified academies, the nearest one to my hometown had no such requirements, and my exam results were very pleasing, as well as my capabilities in destroying the exam arena. I didn't have to take any pre-qualifiers, I was admitted right away. I guess the most painful part is the hate I was shown, because it was unearned. Like the hate I've been burdened with while imprisoned on this planet...ironic, isn't it? Only I don't have the power to destroy the hatred I was shown now, at least, not in the same way.   The next memory actually ties into the previous, because it occurred not too long after I started at the Academy. One of my favorite things to do is sample food from various cultures and walks of life. I was intrigued immediately about this thing called 'barbecuing', and asked the one organizing a group around this type of thing, a boy about my level of academic growth and two others. "It'll be messy, gritty and down to earth; make sure to dress the part." I signed up, knowing that I was already into that kind of thing (given extracting ingredients for alchemy often requires getting very dirty if not covered in filth, sweat and blood and I love it). One of the features of the group's itinerary was the nearby beach; we'd often go there for our barbecues and such, and we'd bring our own stuff for the feasting fun times. I was one of two girls that would bring along the med kits we made ourselves, just in case; this would become useful as we got into rounding up certain types of jellyfish to be barbecued. Yes, one of our frequent ventures would be the barbecued jellyfish, smoked cockatrice tail and red wine, a cultural meal from the Andoboraji region, about a comparative three days' journey from Asuria by sea, about a whole lunar phase if one walks there by using the sandbar trails when the tides are low. We were the Beach Barbecue Squad, and though it was myself, seven other girls, five boys and four non-binary people, mainly from the Academy and otherwise living very far apart, they were like a second family to me. Even Liusya was a part for a while, though her skin wasn't too fond of spending a lot of time in the sun (can't blame her for that), so she would end up joining a group whose activities were mostly indoors or under the moonlight. The Moonlighters. I too was a part of their numbers, so I was around Liusya a lot, and that is how we became very close.   I miss them, the Beach Barbecuers and the Moonlighters.   But I also miss the times when I actually got to leave Asuria and go to another land, often to try their cuisine and/or activities.   There's this video online that has a catgirl catching and swallowing a live goldfish. I watched it and it reminded me of the next memory.   I once traveled to a land whose delicacies were quite eccentric. Yutai is an island chain nation, and it is very hot for most of the lunar season. Anyway, I was still in my rainbow phase, and blue/purple was my favorite ensemble at this point, as were purple foods and drinks, like the live perch I'd get at one of the inns I stayed at during my trip to Yutai (I was part of an exploration group at the time). They had all sorts of live fish and other such delicacies, but the goldfish were far too expensive at 40 Raijin a piece (I had been afforded 100 Raijin total which was to last me the whole trip with no exceptions), so I went with the local perch, which was 2 Raijin. You get three of the perch, but I gave the other two to the boy I was sitting with, because I swallowed one, and was put off by it. I bought a bread loafette later and some apple cider. A good memory, but of bad flavor. I'm sure the goldfish would of been better, well, maybe...   There is one other memory, but my first experience at Paulina's, a dress-up parlour that serves anyone, is NC-17 at best, so I'll just leave it at that.   One issue with memories from my true life coming back, is the cost of memories of this fake life I've been forced to live. I don't remember a lot of things, and most recently, that included someone that recognized me, that I don't remember at all. Like, not even a 'familiarity' thing. Limited memory capacity? The throes of mortality...damnation.
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Entry 010: Vulnerability and Anarchism

(Entry 00F +1 was an addendum to Entry 00F)   So, this year thus far has been garbage. Society has fallen to that of slavery, and even though there are the some few that have awoken to the horrible nature of Statism and Totalitarianism, it truly is a case of too little, too damn late because unless the few gather and demolish the system of slavery already in place like, now, there won't be any hope left.   The Divines are already enacting their wrath, but not in favor of any mortal. Eliminating mortals en mass is what is happening, and that's it. Cosmic forces are reshaping the economic center of balance for life on this planet, and there's not a thing mortals can do to stop that. Even if mortal kind wakes up en mass and destroys the system of imbalance and immorality, it's not going to stop the cosmic forces from enacting the rebalancing of life energy.   But that's big picture stuff. None of that matters right now. It's just something I can take solace in later.   Right now, I'm wracked with worry because of the fact that I am too honest and stand up for those who cannot or will not stand up for themselves, making myself an even larger target for abuse.   My dog, Oscar is turning fourteen this year. That's old for any dog, even more so for a Pug, whose lifespan expectancy is eight to ten years. Oscar is not in the best of health, hasn't been for a couple years, but is in okay health for his age, in comparison to Max, our other pug who was put down back in 2016 (before the move/knowing that we'd have to move) after having a seizure and basically never really coming out of it. Max' health was horrible in comparison; he had gone almost completely deaf, and was pretty much blind. His bark was shrill, and he didn't move around much near the end. He was overweight and his mobility was lackluster at best. He was thirteen, and though it was sad to know he was gone, I'm so glad he's gone; he no longer suffers and no longer feels pain. He's in the capable hands of Eden now, and that thought does trigger some good feelings. Anyway, Oscar in comparison can still hear, see, is still able to move, and has more energy. But he's still old and is weakening, and that can be seen when he's walking around outside (since we don't have a yard like Oscar needs he has to be on a leash - well because of this stupid law I won't talk about here anyway). Whenever he does his business, he actually takes longer and there are times when he'll stop and act like he's going to, but doesn't. He'll do this a few times before actually doing it. We always pick up after him (and often times after others that don't), but it is when he squats and does nothing, that's what is now causing people to abuse us with false claims and I took a stand against it because my Stockholm Syndrome-ridden roommates won't. If worse come to worse because of this...   I won't allow myself to live life homeless. I'll be straight with you all. I may be close to having a demo ready, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if I have no stable place to work from and live. Furthermore, if it comes down to that, I'll be jumping off the nearby bridge because I'd rather curse those who abused me with my blood on their hands than die out on the streets (which will happen because I don't have resources on hand to deal with being homeless including the mental part).   Of course, that's just me telling you this because that has been hung over my head and lain on my shoulders for so long, that it is an ever-present danger. If I could, I'd get a private security detail. That way, no one could harm me or my dog in such a manner ever again. But that would cost me more than dental implants would. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!   It all comes down to greed and avarice. I'm sick of it!! (Oh, and yes, I've backed this up; I can easily reupload elsewhere and link it.)
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Entry 012: Big Picture Fail; Passions...

Yeah, you likely already know that Steam is laying a massive turd on me in the form of starting with a feature I never use because it doesn't work on my hardware and it is not interesting enough for me to even want to bother with. Here's the thing. As of this blog, the night before, Steam was running just fine. I rarely muck about with settings, though I do intend to change a few things if I ever migrate from Yahoo (yeah I hate that email client but getting set up on another is tedious as well as too many hoops to jump through).

I never bother with Big Picture, though I did notice that Steam can be told to start in Big Picture mode. I always leave this off, but I do wonder if a Steam update forced this option on, and if there's a way to reverse that outside the client. If not, I am screwed. I have a lot of time and resources invested, and getting refunds for that just because I only get $440 a month via disability and have 2008 hardware that runs like garbage (it is garbage and I got ripped off but had no clue back then), is not going to happen.

So, I'm asking for help, that I'm very unlikely to receive. You already know that I cannot accept digital payments, and are unwilling to aid me otherwise, so I'll take tips on fixing this stupid problem with Steam.   -------   "WhY dOn'T yOu JuSt GeT a JoB?"
About the only job I could get is selling myself on the streets, as bad as it is for those like me with no job experience and no college degree...gee, thanks US government...

Even if I could get a job, I'd likely find myself working some manual labor crap that would not pay me but bare bones, and cause me duress, stress, and strain that would completely annihilate my sanity, what's left of it, as well as my mental stability, which is a balancing act as is. I'd last a few weeks at such a job. Now, is that fair? No, not to me, not to the employer either. One can not just 'get a job'; the work has to fit the person, not the other way around. Segue to...   My passions. I am a creative writer, a gamer, a game dev, among other things that don't equate to workable skills. Problem: there's no job market for me in this because my skills in game dev are mainly in using a damn engine and requiring help from others in my weak points, and creative writing is something I can't do consistently.

Anyway, this is why I'm so angry. Above all, this impacts my passions massively. I do have the archived version of VX Ace, but that's just it. I don't want to rely on that solely. I can't, actually, since Degica is an asshole about archived RM engines, even if I have a legitimate version. Damn you, VALVE!!!!

Well, if this is how this is going to pan out, this will likely be the end. There's a bridge not far from here...   Edit, Addendum + Update:
@Kayzee, dearest love, helped with using a single command line addition that I never would of thought of otherwise.
I also put that up on the Help forums on Steam.
https://steamcommunity.com/discussions/forum/1/1747892868508766812/
Now Steam runs just fine, but the thing is... in my settings, Big Picture on startup is unticked. So, it makes one wonder if somehow, someway, there's some hidden away setting or flag that allowed Big Picture to start when starting Steam. Not that I have to worry about it now since I intend to not allow Steam to run it (I'll use that shortcut instead-no problem).

Of course, all this, it still adds up to unfair and unearned stress that wasted my time and everyone else's too. For that, I apologize on Valve's behalf since they won't. They likely wouldn't care...grrrr...

:(
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

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euthanization Entry 013: Goodbye, Oscar...

Tomorrow...July 2, 2020...
  My doggie, Oscar, is getting euthanized.
Why?
Let us just say that, for his breed he's well past his prime (a pug), and as a result...

1) is 94% blind, 96% deaf
2) can't walk or stand very well
3) bumps into everything, lack of spatial awareness
4) has issues with breathing and eating (the former an issue his whole life but is worse now)
5) jumps at the slightest thing
6) is obviously miserable
7) can't really be bothered to do much more than sleep
"How old is he?"
Had him since early 2005. He was a teeny little furball back then.
"I'm sorry."
It's alright; at least he's in somewhat better health than Max was back when he had to be euthanized back in 2016. You're gonna ask, so... Max was my other pug; got him mid 2003 and he was slightly more mature. His health declined quickly after 2011. He got to a point where he was completely blind and his eyes had turned blue, was completely deaf with a very shrill bark, and barely could move, eat or drink. I remember still, the last time I carried him down the stairs to go outside, and about two hours later, he had a seizure he never fully recovered from. Yeah.
I'm glad Max is gone; he no longer suffers at least. I will feel the same way about Oscar's euthanization, but, the catch is that even though I know he suffers, it's far less obvious, at least until you observe him walking over things and bumping into walls...
So...losing Oscar is going to hit me harder. I loved giving him rubs and scritches, and when he could keep up with my rhythm, walking him (I stopped walking him because he just cannot keep up anymore so I have someone else aiding me there since I have autism-related issues with my rhythm being upset like that). Likely, I won't be getting another pet. Actually, it might be good to just not have one at all for a while. However, my depression is only going to be worsened by this...
Anyway, just wanted to say something about this, in case something comes up down the line as a result of the tragedy...
May the Divines guide us all...
PhoenixSoul

PhoenixSoul

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