The following LOL Instant Messenger conversation was found on the laptop of Paul de Vroom while Yuu R Johnson scoured it for information. It was deemed too hilarious not to share around.
TIMESTAMP: 10:30 AM
Paul I need you to deliver a box of weapons to the armoury in the lab. The lab boys accidentally created something that might try to kill us all if it escapes.
It’s my smoke break. Can’t it wait?
No. Go do it. I’ll give you an extra smoke break after.
TIMESTAMP: 11:15 AM
Paul why did you give the weapons to my tentacle monster?
I tripped and it picked them all up.
Great now I have a knife wielding tentacle monster.
A KNIFE WIELDING TENTACLE MONSTER.
How is that even useful?
Go ahead. Explain to me how that is even remotely useful.
You can throw your enemies in there with it?
For that idea alone I’m letting you keep your smoke breaks.
TIMESTAMP: 4:03 PM
I just thought of another use for Naifu Waifu.
What use is that?
Throw in people who disappoint me. You have to get at least one knife away from her before I’ll let you out.
When will you try this out?
Meanwhile, back at the Red Army base, Red Leader shot at a target a few times at the shooting range.
“What do you want me to tell you?” his A.I assistant, Cindy, retorted, “Your aim is perfect.”
“I’m bored,” he sighed, “I just want something to do!”
“You could go help retrieve your box,” she suggested, “That could be fun.” He reloaded several of the guns and sighed.
“You’re right. Let’s go to Bosnia and hopefully not get shot out of the sky!”
He ran out to the other plane, punched in the coordinates and set it to autopilot. He reclined the seat and kicked his feet up on the control panel with a yawn.
“Wake me up when we get there or if I need to take control, Cindy,” he said, closing his eyes. When Cindy finally did wake him up, it was because they were headed directly towards a mountain. Tord yelped and quickly took control of the plane so he could avoid the mountain, looking down in time to see the Blue Army base… And a zombie tyrannosaurus rex. He grinned in anticipation as he landed near it. He watched it for a few minutes as it attacked the outside of the base.
“So that’s where all of those zombie dinosaurs from that island went…” he mumbled to himself as he began sneaking towards it.
Soon enough, he was on it and riding it inside the building and into the chamber with the other zombie tyrannosaurus rex. He felt like James Bond. Suave, intelligent, breaking all the typical codes of conduct, storming enemy lines on a sweet ride…
“HEY!” he yelled, “OVER HERE, BIG ROTTING UGLY!” The other dinosaur whipped around to look at him, its massive tail throwing Patryck against the far wall. Tord smirked.
“YOU!” Blue Leader yelled, pointing at him from behind the glass.
“You bet!” he replied, “Don’t tell me you seriously didn’t think I wouldn’t show up! And in the flesh, which is more than can be said for you and your robot selves!” She scowled and ran off. Tord turned back to the problem in front of him – that is to say, the zombie T-Rex that he wasn’t riding – with a smirk across his face.
“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” he said, charging his own massive dinosaur at it. Of course, zombies don’t mess with other zombies. It was a flaw that became more evident after he realized that the dinosaur he was on was actually going for his men. He quickly slid down its back and ran to the now wide open giant door.
“Guys!” he called, “This way!” And once he was sure his men were following, he ran off.
“Where’s the plane?” he asked.
“It’s just down there!” Yuu said, pointing at the landing strip ahead of them. Patryck looked back.
“I didn’t know this before,” he began, “But as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul a-”
He was cut off by gunfire from ahead.
“Oh come ON!” Yanov cried, sliding under the hail of bullets and firing back at the previously hidden guards with his own two pistols, “Can’t you give us a break?!” Paul pulled out some throwing knives and threw them at the opposing forces as he ran for the plane while Patryck and Yuu ran in different directions to cause a distraction.
Tord stopped midstep and just grinned at a thought that occurred to him, that clearly hadn’t occurred to anyone in the Blue Army. There were more zombie dinosaurs. Zombies are never sufficiently contained either. He turned back around and calmly walked between the legs of the enormous undead T-Rexes and followed the trail of blaring red hazard lights down to the rest of the zombies. With a grin, he slammed his hand on the button to let them all out. Then, much like the Tyrannosaurs, he hauled a-
When Paul got to the cockpit, he glared ahead at Blue Leader, who was calmly sitting on the control panel with a devious smirk. Yanov quickly joined him.
“Can we just call it a day?” Paul asked, “This is encroaching on my smoke break.” Yanov stared at him.
“THAT’S what you’re worried about?!” he exclaimed.
“So says the guy who took a flamethrower to some guards over the fate of his portable gaming console,” Paul replied dryly. Blue Leader rolled her eyes.
“Here you two are arguing when I’m the one holding all the cards,” she said, “And by “cards,” I mean-”
“ZOMBIE DINOSAUR STAMPEDE!” Tord laughed from outside the plane, “GET THE PLANE GOING GUYS! I DON’T WANT US TO DIE HERE!”
Yuu and Patryck quickly ran into the cockpit.
“Four against one,” Yuu said, “I think I like our odds.”
“You four just lost against me less than an hour ago,” Blue Leader said.
“You had guards!” Patryck said.
“And you can make it five!” Tord grinned, carrying in the gunblade, “Now you can either get out of here and deal with the problem in your base, or I can figure out how to use this thing.”
“My guards here are expendable,” she said, “I don’t care about them. I don’t care about this base. I don’t even care about Bosnia. I’d rather see you go down.”
“I guess it’s time for an epic gunblade fight!” Tord grinned, “Cindy! Play my boss fight theme for me!” On cue, a sick beat and thumping rhythm took over the speakers as the weapon charged up a blast.
Paul, Patryck, Yuu and Yanov watched as the robotic body for Blue Leader exploded into smithereens from one blast of the gunblade.
“Really?” Tord said, half disappointed and half intrigued, “I was hoping for more of a fight. But I really do appreciate decent firepower.” Patryck took off, shooting the plane into the sky. Once they were safe, he punched the coordinates for the Red Army base and sighed, flopping into one of the seats and promptly sliding out of it.
“So what’s in the box anyway?” Yanov asked curiously.
“Oh, you know…” Tord said. Unfortunately, Cindy turned his epic boss theme up too loud, effectively covering up his explanation of what was in the box. Everyone was more or less annoyed about that, but they gave in, exhausted from everything that just happened.
“I’m glad all of that is over,” Patryck groaned.
“Me too,” Yuu agreed.
When the five returned to the base, they made a group effort to carry the precious cargo to Tord’s quarters. Tord pried the lid off and they all peered inside. A grin spread across Tord’s face.
“At last!” he said reaching in, “It’s finally here!”
“That’s what we went through all of that for?” Paul grumbled.
“I think it was worth it!” Yanov grinned, “It’s amazing!”
“Definitely,” Yuu replied. Patryck just laid on the floor, asleep at this point.
“Let’s go try it out!” Tord said.
“Let’s not,” Paul replied, “It’s been a long day.”
“Whatever, Paul!” Yanov said, opening the door, “I’m off to the training area with Tord!”
“Me too!” Yuu agreed.
NOTE: Before reading, watch Moving Targets! This won't make sense if you haven't seen it!
Tord laid there, the hippo on top of him until somebody rolled it off of him. He sat up, biting back the pain of being sat on – no, crushed by a hippo. How would you feel? Tip-top shape? Hell no!
“We’re in need of new recruits,” an annoyed Dutchman sighed, “You’re the only one around who didn’t wipe out the entire base. Wanna join the Red Army?” Tord thought for a moment as a blond guy hobbled over behind this eyebrow man.
“What are you guys fighting for?” he asked.
“Well, let’s see,” Eyebrows sighed, “We’re called the Red Army. What could we possibly-”
“Communism,” Blondie squeaked, earning a glare from Eyebrows for interrupting him.
“I’m in,” Tord replied, shakily standing up.
Tord adjusted his Pickelhaube and grinned as he limped off to the remains of the Enemy Base with Eyebrows and Blondie.
“What’s your name, anyway?” Blondie asked happily.
“Tord,” Tord replied.
“Cool name!” he chirped, “I’m Yuu and this is Paul!”
“Where’s Patryck?” Paul asked.
“Probably with Yanov,” Yuu smiled, “We have a new friend!” Paul sighed.
“Long day?” Tord asked.
“Long day,” Paul replied.
“It wasn’t too bad until all this happened,” Yuu shrugged, “Maybe we should have a less obvious base.”
“Yuu, I’m going to shove your rifle so far up your-” Paul growled, only to be cut off by Yuu saying, “Oh, lighten up, Eyebrows.” Tord snickered a little. He knew he’d fit in just fine.
NOTE: Before reading, watch Fun Dead! This won't make a whole lot of sense if you haven't seen it!
Eduardo looked out the window at the chaos outside. Blood everywhere.
“Another zombie apocalypse?” he growled, “Isn’t this the third one or something?”
“I think so!” Jon replied, “I’m not sure I’m ready for another one.”
“Our apocalypse storage ran out after that spirit infestation,” Mark added, “We really aren’t ready for this.”
“Guess we’ll have to brave the latest zombie apocalypse and go shopping,” Eduardo sighed, “Come on, get your coats. We don’t have all day and there’re hundreds of ‘em out there.” Eduardo opened the door and stopped for a second.
“Can somebody shut off that stupid car alarm?” he growled, “It’s been driving me nuts all day.”
“It’s been on for ten minutes,” Jon said a little sheepishly. Eduardo shot a quiet glare at him before grabbing a baseball bat and walking out. Mark and Jon followed him to the car and the three drove off to go get food.
When they got there, the shop was in shambles. Blood, guts and potential groceries were strewn about everywhere.
“We have to be careful,” Eduardo said, taking in the wreckage of the shop, “Let’s stick together and only get what we need.” And so, the three went shopping for food, getting only things that would last a long time, things that would store for another apocalypse. Unfortunately, this was a zombie apocalypse and it wasn’t long before the undead found their way inside the shop.
Eduardo glared at the zombies and readied his baseball bat.
“Mark, Jon, get behind me,” he growled, “You two are hopeless at fighting and I’d rather not have to deal with either of you being one of these brain-hungry losers.”
“Eduardo?” Jon asked quietly.
“Yeah?” he friend replied.
“I don’t know where Mark is…”
Mark walked down the street to another shop that might have more food, humming quietly and keeping an eye out for the zombies. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice the car barrelling down the road until it rushed through a blood puddle, splashing him with whoever’s blood it may have once been. He blinked in surprise and looked around.
“Who did that?” he asked himself, “I should probably follow that car. Maybe whoever’s in it can help us!” And with that thought, he ran after it.
Eduardo and Jon shoved the groceries in the car and drove home.
“Shouldn’t we try to find Mark?” Jon asked, clearly nervous about the whole ordeal. Eduardo nodded.
“But for that,” he replied, “We’ll need a lot more than just a baseball bat. Last time I checked, we had some other blunt objects. Let’s go get them and go.” Jon looked out the window at all the zombies.
“If I get bitten, promise me you won’t let me turn,” he said. Eduardo glanced at him.
He looked back at the road.
“I won’t let that happen.”
When they got home, they shoved the food in their emergency supplies and geared up. They grabbed cricket bats and lead pipes and Eduardo wrapped barbed wire around his bat. Jon put on a welding mask and Eduardo strapped a pair of gardening shears to his leg.
“Let’s go,” he said, opening the door back up and smashing a zombie in the face, “I ain’t in the mood to deal with these undead pendejos more than I have to.” They quickly ran out and got in the car. It wasn’t until that point that they realized neither of them knew how or where to actually find their missing friend. They drove around London until they ran out of gas which, to be fair, wasn’t a long time as Eduardo had forgotten to fill it up in the midst of the apocalypse that had been going on since winter. It was spring now and he still hadn’t found time to bother with that. Luckily, they caught sight of Mark in the midst of a zombie horde in an amusement park – and he was still alive! They grabbed their things and rushed in, killing zombies left in right in splatters of gore and guts, not noticing the other three survivors doing the same to other zombies.
“Mark!” Eduardo called out over the horde, “Mark, what are you doing?!”
“I came to find survivors!” he replied, rushing over with his groceries.
“Come on, we need to get gas for the car,” he said, “Let’s get outta here before they realize we’re here!” Jon pointed at all of the zombies going towards one area… and stopping?
“What are they doing?” he asked, “That’s a little odd for zombies, don’t you think?”
“Who cares,” Eduardo said, grabbing Mark and Jon and dragging them off, “Let’s just get home. We finally have everything we need to hole up for the apocalypse this time.”
Jon turned on the television when they got back.
“The zombie apocalypse has ended, everyone!” a cheerful newscaster announced, “Unrelated, a new theme park opened up where asdfland was – FUN DEAD! Come on down to the new attraction, run by Edd G-” Eduardo turned it off.
“We went through all of that for the zombie apocalypse to just end suddenly?!”
Edd lounged on the sofa in his smeg head shirt, watching reruns of the show from whence that phrase came.
“We are talking jape of the decade,” one of the characters said, “We are talking April, May, June, July and August Fool. Yes, that’s right. I am Queeg.” Edd laughed.
“Plot twist!” he shouted.
“You’ve seen it before, Edd,” Tom said as he walked past.
“It’s still funny,” Edd grinned. Suddenly, Matt skated in, staring at his reflection with a happy grin as he circled the table. Tom sighed and flopped onto the sofa.
“It seems like we do the same thing every day,” he sighed, “We should do something a little more… I dunno… Interesting.”
“Let’s worship me!” Matt grinned. Tom and Edd stared at him for a short while.
“You first,” Tom sighed, resulting in Matt staring at himself in the mirror, forgetting all about the other two.
“Wanna visit Fun Dead?” Edd asked.
“Nah,” Tom replied.
“You know,” Edd said thoughtfully, “We did get these tickets in the mail. Something about an island retreat of adventure and excitement.”
“Is there a bar?” Tom asked.
“Probably,” Edd replied.
It was a long boat ride and when they got off, they didn’t even realize the island was, aside from them and their fellow passengers, completely deserted. Travel exhaustion is a wacky thing that leaves you feeling a little off… Well, until your friend finds the bar and starts serving himself. Even then, you may not realize the true extent of how few people are there or that everyone you came to the island with is missing.
Edd and Matt wandered around, taking pictures and seeing the sights. Suddenly, a loud roar can from the forest.
“Tom?” Matt called, “Is that you?”
“I don’t think it’s Tom, Matt,” Edd replied. Loud thumping came from the forest, shaking the ground more and more as it got rapidly closer to the two. The two gasped.
“A t-rex!” Matt exclaimed.
“A zombie t-rex!” Edd yelled.
“I’m gonna ride it!” Tom grinned, running out of the bar, “Matt, go run that way. I’m gonna climb up that tree and jump on it.”
“Only if I get to ride it next!” Matt yelled, running in the direction Tom was pointing. The t-rex chased after him.
“Can this vacation get any better?” Tom asked.
“You bet Jurassican!” Edd grinned. Tom ran off and climbed the tree. He grinned, readying himself to jump on its back, only to be startled by a zombie brachiosaurus peeking into the tree he was in and roaring, causing him to fall out of the tree with a startled shriek. Being the great friend he is, Edd took a picture of the spectacle while laughing.
Tom scuttled backwards, away from the brachiosaurus and right into a nest of zombie compies. Naturally, he got up and ran off screaming. The dinosaurs chased after. After a few seconds, the t-rex decided to abandon Matt and chased after Tom, as well. Matt sighed in relief as he flopped against a tree. His relief wasn’t long lasting however, as a zombie raptor stepped out of some nearby bushes. He looked around frantically, only to see one to either side of him. Naturally, he ran of screaming.
Edd waved at the oncoming ship, trying to get its attention. It veered towards him just as Matt came bolting out of the bushes.
“What?” Edd asked, looking at him, only to see the three raptors chasing after him. Edd looked towards the ship, hoping it would speed up. But no, it slowed to a halt.
“Of course,” Edd sighed. Then, out of nowhere, a zombie megalodon rose from beneath it, snapping it up between its jaws like the tastiest snack it’d ever had.
“Alright, time to run!” Edd exclaimed, running after Matt. The two got to safety in the bar, hiding behind, well… The bar.
“Any idea where Tom is?” Edd asked.
“Last I saw, he was being chased by a lot of them,” Matt replied, “He’s a goner for sure.”
“Oh ye of little faith,” Tom grinned, rolling out of one of the cabinets, a bottle of vodka in hand.
“TOM!” the two exclaimed in unison.
“Turns out zombie dinosaurs are a liiiiiiiiiittle on the invincible side,” Tom said, taking a drink from the bottle.
“We should build a boat,” Matt thought aloud, “Get off this island and back home.”
“Did you not see what happened to the last boat?” Edd asked, “It got eaten by a prehistoric zombie shark!”
“Cool!” Tom exclaimed with a grin, “In all seriousness though, we should really look for a way off this island.” The other two nodded and they all three headed out into the jungle.
“I’m tired of walking,” Matt groaned, “We’ll never get off this island.”
Then, the zombie t-rex stepped in front of them. The made a b-line between the dinosaur’s legs, causing him to look so far down that he flipped onto his back with a gigantic THUD. They kept running until….
“Hey, look at this!” Tom said, picking up a gun lying on the ground, “Maybe this’ll keep those zombies at bay!” As if on cue, a zombie raptor ran in front of the three. With a grin, Tom shot at it, only to discover the gun had no bullets. His grin melted into panic and the three ran again, only to meet face-to-face with the t-rex. They ran in another direction, out onto the beach and saw a helicopter above them. They all jumped and waved and screamed, but to no avail.
“Matt!” Tom yelled, “Do you still have that mirror?”
“Always!” Matt replied just as loudly. Tom grabbed it and reflected the sun off it.
“Hey, down there!” Yanov exclaimed, pointing down, “We’re being signalled!” Paul looked down.
“Oh yeah,” he replied. Then, the sun reflected right into his eye.
“Gah!” he exclaimed, “They’re signalling at a bad angle, whoever they are!”
“We’re going down, we’re going down!” Yanov shrieked. Patryck ran up and took the wheel, guiding them to a safe landing on the island. The three pilots stepped out.
“We’re saved!” Matt yelled, “Hello! Save me! I’m pretty!” The three ran into the helicopter and before the pilots could say anything, Tom flew off.
“THANKS!” he yelled down, “GOOD LUCK!” The pilots looked at each other, then behind them as a loud roar broke the awkward silence.
Tom landed them back at their home safe and sound and they all plopped onto the sofa.
“I think we’re all agreed,” Edd said, “Let’s never go on vacation again.” The other two nodded in agreement.
“Wanna watch something?” Tom asked.
“How about Zombie Dinosaurs from Jurassic Island?” Matt suggested, earning a well deserved yet exhausted glare from his friends.
“Matt, you’ve been in there for five hours!” Tom yelled, banging on the door, “Let someone else use the bathroom!”
“Just give me a minute!” Matt replied, staring at his own reflection. Tom groaned in annoyance, bouncing outside the door impatiently. Matt smiled at himself in the mirror for a few minutes longer before opening the door and nearly being trampled by his flatmate, who shoved him out the door and slammed it. Cheerfully, Matt walked to the sofa and flopped onto it.
“Oh, hey Matt,” Edd said, flipping through the channels in boredom.
“What’s on?” Matt asked, running his fingers through his ginger strawberry blond hair.
“Nothing.” Edd got up and turned on the DVD player. “Wanna watch Zombie Dinosaurs from Jurassic Island?”
Tom wandered back in as the movie started and sat beside Edd.
“What’s on?” he asked.
“Zombie Dinosaurs from Jurassic Island!” Matt replied excitedly. And so, the three watched the movie.
The next day, Tom and Edd met up at the breakfast table.
“Morning,” Tom grogged tiredly as he reached into the freezer.
“Morning,” Edd replied, eating a big spoonful of cereal, “Use the milk.” Tom pulled his chair out.
“Why?” he asked, pouring vodka over his bowl of Eddsworld cereal. Edd sighed.
“Have you seen Matt?” he asked.
“Probably still sleeping.” Tom drank from the bottle before setting it on the table and adding, “Or staring at himself.”
“I’ll go see if he wants to eat something,” Edd said, getting up. He walked to Matt’s quiet room and knocked on the door.
“Matt?” he called, “Are you awake? We’re having breakfast.” He stood at the closed door and listened to the silence behind it.
“Matt?” he called again, the soundlessness beyond, his only reply. He quietly opened the door.
“Matt’s never this quiet…” he mumbled, stepping in. He glanced around at the unmade bed, the scattered beauty products, the photographs and drawings of Matt, the Matt doll on his bed, the beginning of a new novelty toy collection peeking out from underneath the bed and the odd lack of Matt.
“Matt…?” he called again, before noticing a slight movement from the corner of his eye. He whipped around to face the antique full body mirror propped against the wall. Staring back at him was a reflection of himself with one key difference – the reflection’s eyes were glowing red. The door slammed behind him before he could leave and as he tried the knob, it wouldn’t turn.
Tom yawned and finished his cereal.
“Yep,” he sighed, hearing the banging of Matt’s door, “It’s gonna be a long day.” He looked through the fridge and wrote down a short shopping list.
“Edd, Matt, I’m gonna go grocery shopping!” he called into the back of the house as the banging subsided, “Call me if you can think of anything!” He quickly ran out the door, not to return until late in the evening.
“I’m home!” he called into the now completely silent house, setting the bags of groceries down and kicking the door closed, “What’d I miss?” He walked off to Matt’s room and knocked on the door.
“Are you two still in there?” he asked, “What are you doing?”
“Why don’t you come in and see?” Edd replied, “Matt found this cool thing!”
“Okay,” Tom shrugged as he opened the door, “Where are you?” He looked around for a moment or two before realizing just what a huge mistake he’d made as he set his eyes upon the lack of his two friends.
“They’re in here,” his reflection said, beckoning him closer. As Tom stepped forward, he didn’t even notice the door closing behind him. Drawn in by the image in the mirror, he barely noticed his slow, uneven steps as he shambled ever closer to his red-eyed reflection in a mesmerized and discombobulated hypnotic haze. The reflection reached his hand out and Tom reached his out to meet it. Their fingertips touched and the reflection dragged him into the mirror.
Edd stared at the newcomer with a sigh.
“You too?” he asked. Tom pushed himself off the floor and nodded.
“So, what is this?” he asked.
“Matt got another magic mirror,” Edd replied in annoyance, “This time it’s a world of our worst fears. Just look at Matt.” He pointed to the rocking self absorbed huddle shivering in the corner and Tom turned him around and gasped as he saw that Matt’s entire face was missing.
“What’s yours then?” he asked, turning back to Edd.
“No more cola!” Edd exclaimed in anguish. Tom’s gaze floated to the ground in nervous thought before he looked at his friend once again.
“Worst fears…?” he asked, feeling as if something was sneaking up behind him. He slowly turned, not wanting to look, hoping this was some weird drunk hallucination…
Then he ducked as a pineapple corer slammed into the opposing wall in the spot where his head was not a second previous. He watched as the pineapple corer dislodged itself from the wall and flung itself at him again. Tom nearly dodged the corer, but a bleeding scratch on his arm and a flash of pain revealed that he’d been hit.
“Maybe I should take a moment to reflect on this,” Edd grinned as he ran off, “I’ll go think of a plan, you just keep on dodging!” Tom stared after his friend before narrowly escaping being gored again.
“Hey, wait a second!” Edd exclaimed, spinning around with a great idea, “Tom, get in front of the mirror!”
“Why?” Tom asked, jumping out of the way of the corer.
“Think about it!” he replied, “How else would you escape a mirror?”
“Oh!” Tom grinned as he dove in front of the mirror. The corer turned to face him and he ducked just in time as it broke the mirror, pulling the three flatmates back out. Edd grabbed it and threw it to the ground, shattering it completely.
“Now then,” he said, “I’ve spent a whole day without cola.” Tom paused for a moment, realizing he forgot something at the shop possibly more horrifying than a sentient pineapple corer launching itself at his face.
“I know we were out this morning and you went shopping, did you pick up more?” Tom stared nervously at his cola addicted friend, before make a run for the door.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE COLA!”
Edd walked into the kitchen and sat at the table, surprised to see Tom and Matt already there.
“Hey Edd!” Matt chirped before taking a drink of milk though his crazy straw.
“Morning,” Tom said, watching milk pour off his spoon and back into the bowl.
“Hey guys,” Edd replied, pouring his own bowl, “You’re up early.”
“Yeah, we decided to clean Matt’s room.” Tom looked at Edd. “Problem is, neither of us know what kind of chemical concoction we’d need to clean that mess.”
“Oh, don’t worry!” Edd replied shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and mumbling some sort of concoction.
“Alright then,” Tom sighed, “Once more in English?”
“Follow me,” Edd said, leaving the table. Tom and Matt followed.
“Alright!” Edd said, “I need bleach, baking soda, vinegar, ammonia and dish soap.”
“That sounds a little dangerous,” Matt said quietly.
“Trust me, it’ll be fine!” Edd grinned, “This stuff’ll clean anything.” And so they mixed this concoction within Matt’s bedroom. The fumes filled the air almost immediately, sending the three running out of there for some actual breathable air.
“That was a horrible idea!” Matt cried.
“We just need it to calm down and we can get back in,” Edd smiled, “Don’t worry!”
Several hours later, they opened the door, only to find the room completely empty.
“See?” Edd grinned, “What’d I tell you? It’s clean!”
“MY EVERYTHINGS!” Matt screeched. Suddenly, a low growl came from within the closet.
“Tom? Are you hungry or something?” Edd asked.
“I thought that was you,” Tom replied. The three looked to the closet in terror.
“It’s your room, you go check it,” Tom said, shoving Matt towards it. Matt nervously reached to the closet door.
“Well open it,” Edd said, “It’s probably just Ringo.” Matt took a deep breath in and opened the door.
There for all three to see was a giant green germ monster filling the entire closet. Matt ran out of the room screaming at the top of his lungs. Tom and Edd glanced at each other, then at the monster.
“Ew,” they said in unison. And then, it oozed out, leaving a slimy black residue in its wake. The two ran out and slammed the door shut.
“To the cleaning aisle of the grocery store!” Edd yelled, dragging his two friends out to the car.
After a brief shopping trip, the three came back home, goggles pulled down, rubber gloves snapped on tight and spraybottles in hand, ready to fire at the onslaught of ickiness that awaited them inside. They all gasped as Tom opened the door. The interior was black and slimey, the goo monster sitting grossly in the centre of the room.
“I’ll say it again,” Tom said, “Ew.”
“Agreed,” Edd replied, “Let’s get our house back!” The three charged in, spraying away.
The goo monster roared and shot a gooey limb out at Tom, who slipped and fell before being dragged into the monster, kicking and screaming. Edd and Matt hesitated, staring at the ghastly sight, then glancing at each other for a brief moment.
“I have an idea!” Matt called out to Edd as he dashed out the door, “You hold it off!” Edd sprayed it a few more times, waiting for Matt to come back. Matt was soon to return with the water hose.
“Not in the house, Matt!” is what Edd wanted to say, but all that came out was, “Oh.” as his friend turned the hose on and sprayed the entire house with water, blasting the blob into a disgusting puddle on the floor. Whistling as he worked, Matt then mopped it up.
“How’s that for spring cleaning?” he beamed. Edd spat some water out and brushed his hair out of his eyes.
“At least it’s gone,” he said, looking around. Tom shakily stood up.
“Tim!” Matt smiled, “You’re alive!”
Tom looked up slowly and grinned at the two as black slime oozed from his empty eyesockets.
“Tom is gone,” he said, “Now the Virus will infect the world!” Matt smacked him with the mop and knocked him to the floor.
It was a dark and stormy night when Edd, Matt and Tom went for a late night drive to go grab a midnight snack from the nearby corner store.
“Are we there yet?” Matt asked.
“That’s the fifth time you’ve asked,” Tom groaned.
“Actually yeah, we’re there this time!” Edd replied, “And it only took us three minutes!” The three walked in and looked around at the otherwise empty store, browsing the aisles and grabbing whatever suited their fancy.
Matt walked to the counter and set all their snacks down.
“Is anybody here?” he asked, looking around. He noticed Edd looking at more cola and Tom next to him, telling him about the history of the beverage and it’s original medicinal ingredients. Edd was laughing about it and the two were clearly making some kind of joke about it.
“What body?” somebody asked, popping up from behind the counter.
“What?” Matt asked.
“Nothing!” the person replied, laughing awkwardly, “There is no body! Only me!”
“Okay…?” Matt replied, “Can I buy these snacks?” The guy nodded.
“You’re in luck, because we’re having a free sale!” he said, “You get all of this stuff for free for the low low price of just leaving!” Matt thought for a moment.“But it looks like my friends need more time to finish getting everything they’d like,” he said. The guy behind the counter pulled a big, forced smile and nodded.
“Of course!” he said, “Just don’t leave that area.”
As if on cue, Tom’s bladder called for the toilet. He ran to the restroom, but was stopped.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the guy asked, sliding in front of the bathroom door.
“The toilet,” Tom replied, “Can I get in there?”
“No!” he replied suddenly, “It’s uh… Out of order. All of them. All broke. It’s tragic.”
“What’s all the red stuff?” Tom asked, noticing the red splotches on the guy.
“What do you think it is?” the guy asked, grinning a little. Tom took a small glance around the shop, noting the freshly painted red walls before replying, “Oh, you must be the painter.” The guy nodded.
“That’s right!” he replied, “I’m the painter! It’s paint! Now go find a bush- Wait, no. Go find a tree… Wait, no… Go find somewhere else to do your personal business.” Tom grumbled and walked outside.
Edd looked around. From his vantage point, he could clearly see an arm poking out from behind the counter. While the guy was distracted with Tom, he walked over to it and saw a whole dead body with several knives poking out. He gasped and took a step back. The guy sighed.
“See,” he said, “This is why I gave you guys the free discount. Now I have to make sure you aren’t gonna tell anybody I got mad at my boss and murdered everybody in the shop. Look what you’ve done!”
Suddenly, the guy pulled out a knife and chased after Edd. Tom noticed just as he was about to leave and quickly looked around for something to use against this guy. He found a packet of mustard and threw it under the guy’s feet, sending him slipping across the floor and into the wall. Tom quickly grabbed Edd and looked around.
“Where’s Matt?” Edd asked.
Matt, as it turns out, was grabbing boxes of biscuits. Everything was free, so why not stock up? It only took a few seconds for him to trip over the guy.
“Well then,” the guy said, “If it’s all the same to you, you need to pay for your midnight snack!”
“But I thought you said it was free!” Matt protested.
“The sale ended,” the guy replied, holding up his knife, “Now you have to pay…” Pause for dramatic effect…
“WITH YOUR LIFE!” Matt screamed and ran behind the counter of a deep fried Mars bar area.
“Don’t come any closer!” he cried, backing up to the deep fry containers. The guy walked closer. In a panic, Matt grabbed one of the baskets in the oil and threw it at him. The guy ran off screaming into one of the bathrooms.
“IT BURNS!” he yelled, “THIS STUFF IS BLOODY HOT! WHY?!”
Edd ran in after him.
“Why don’t I help you?” he asked.
“Would you?” the guy asked back. Edd shrugged.
“Here, close your eyes so I can get this stuff off you,” he said, taking off the basket and steering him into one of the stalls. He looked around before shoving the guy’s head in the toilet and running off.
“Let’s get our stuff and get out of here!” he yelled, grabbing the cola and running. Tom and Matt grabbed their stuff and ran out after him.
Matt was staring into the security mirror when he heard edd gasp.
“To the zoo!” he rushed past him towards the car, cola and a newspaper in each hand.
Tom just sighs and pays for the cola before taking a swig from his flask and quickly following after him, grabbing matt as he passes and dragging him away from the mirror.
It only takes a few minutes in the car before all the cola is gone and they’re pulling into an old, decrepit parking lot. edd rushes through the rusting gate past an unenthusiastic teen, who doesn’t even bother asking them to pay. Tom and Matt walk in and look around curiously. Tom is inexplicably drawn to the turtles for some reason and Matt starts posing for all the security cameras.
Edd runs all over until he spots it! A TIGER! He bolts over and hops over the waist high fence between the viewing platform and the chained up cat.
“Hey! You can’t be in there!” a security guard hops the fence as well and charges after him as he approaches the snarling tiger. Edd turns to look at what made the sound as the guard trips and tumbles past him, coming to an abrupt stop when the tiger pounces.
Edd looks at the small crowd of people who stare in horror and shrugs, used to brutal violence at this point, and jumps a little when something lands in his hand. He looks at it to discover a set of keys. He starts towards the cat again, this time grinning and with the keys needed to free it. While the tiger is busy mauling a guy Edd doesn’t hesitate to hop right onto it’s back and unlock it’s collar.
The tiger roars and bounds over the fence as people scream and scatter.
Tom grins as he leaves the turtle enclosure, very drunk and proud of himself for some inexplicable reason. The wonders the park for a few minutes before he spots the meerkats… and the chinchillas… and the lion cubs…
Matt made pose after pose, running between cameras trying to get his best side from all angles. He doesn’t notice the screaming or crying as he sees a door with a big picture of a camera on it.
“Yay! Photo booth!” he rushes in the door and is immediately entranced by all the monitors and buttons. He rushes up to the console and starts pressing every button he sees as the cameras start moving around frantically and fizzling one by one. He squeals in delight as he spots the biggest and reddest button he’s ever seen and slams his hand down onto it!
“WARNING! WARNING! THE MASTER LOCK HAS BEEN DISENGAGED!” Alarms scream and matt bolts out of the room, giggling like mad. he is swept up in a crowd of people running out of the park, several bloody with gashes and one guy missing a hand, and somehow finds himself at the car where tom is closing the boot.
“Hi Tim!” Tom jumps at Matt’s shout and turns with a drunken grin. A few little paws can be seen pressed up against the window.
“Abou’ ‘ime you ga’ back! We ga’a go!” he slurred as he rushes matt into the back seat and hops into the passenger, rolling down the window and shouting out for edd. “EDD! GET YO’ AS’ TA DA CA’!”
Their both startled by a thump on the top of the car and edd seeming to slide off the side, completely unharmed.
“You two ready to go?” he gets into the driver’s seat as Tom and Matt nod rapidly. Edd drives home, uncaring of the crowd.
“Hey Edd! ‘Anna meet ma’ ‘ew fri’nd?” Edd nods at the odd question as a tiny cheetah cub pops it’s head out the neck of tom’s hoodie. “I’m gun’a name ‘im… spot!”
Yuu lead the way for Yanov, Patryck and Paul as he left the base, gun cocked and loaded, head held high, ammo and wasp bombs in his backpack and a first aid kit tucked under his arm. These four were on a mission.
“What are we doing again?” Yanov asked, tilting his head slightly as he spoke.
“We’re off to get a box,” Yuu replied, marching to the plane with dread in his heart at the thought of Paul and Patryck flying, “He said it was just a basic supply run, but he’s keeping it too hush-hush for that.” Yanov nodded quietly as he climbed in and took a seat. Patryck took the wheel and Paul sat beside him. Yuu took the seat next to Yanov and away they went, soaring across the sky in search of this box.
Patryck set the plane to autopilot and kicked his feet up on the control panel.
“I love flying,” he said quietly. Paul just stared at him blankly.
“You don’t even do anything,” he replied, “All you do is put it on autopilot and sit back.”
“And all you do is talk on the radio and push buttons,” Patryck sighed, “Namely mine.”
Yanov pulled out his joycon and played some Pokemon while Yuu watched and cheered him on. It went on like this for some hours until Patryck landed the plane and they all got out.
Yanov stared at the place, looking up from his Switch. It was a wide open military base.
“Where are we?” he asked quietly.
“It’s a military base,” Paul replied blankly, “Probably one of our enemies.”
“That all makes sense!” Yuu exclaimed, “Tord ordered something and one of our rivals took it for themselves! Where are we?”
“Bosnia,” Patryck said, “That place Tord is banned from.” And with that, they walked in.
The four snuck around, avoiding any guards they saw, making sure not to be seen. However, despite their best efforts, Yanov took too long to duck behind a box and was seen. The guards rushed them immediately and the four fled the gunfire. Unfortunately, they were split up, each going down their own paths.
Yanov bolted down the path he was on, eager to make to to the box, which he could clearly see from where he was. He drew his gun and aimed at the knees of his pursuers. He typically didn’t shoot at anything other than zombies, but kneecaps weren’t a moral qualm of his. Being something of a crackshot, he hit his mark nearly every time, ducking behind the box to avoid returned gunfire. He peeked out before picking it up and running for it, only to be tripped, sending the box and his Switch across the floor. The box stopped first. The Switch only stopped when another soldier – Blue Leader herself – walked over, stepping on it and crushing it with her foot. Wordlessly, she picked the box up and carried it off. Yanov stared in shock before running back to the plane. His Switch was just destroyed! AND she stole the box! This meant war!
Yuu dashed into a room and hid. The guards eventually got off his tail, but stayed in the room he was in, so he decided a stealthy explosion would work. With a sly grin, he pulled the silencer off his pistol, pulled a grenade out of his ammunition pouch and used an extra shoelace he had to tie the silencer to the grenade. He quietly yawned off the lack of sleep he’d been suffering from for a few days, pulled the pin and threw it into the room, quickly ducking back behind the barricade.
Patryck lead the guards all over their base, bringing the total of guards still following him to just one. At that point, he grabbed a handful of glitter from his pocket and threw it in his face, yelling “SMOKESCREEN!” before he ran back to the plane.
Paul hid behind some boxes until the guards following him left, then he snuck out and found his way around the base. He silently followed after one of the guards headed towards Blue Leader’s quarters.
“Do you have the box contained, Blue Leader?” the guard asked as Paul ducked behind a corner.
“Yes,” she replied sternly, “I do. Did you take care of Red Leader’s men?”
“They ran off screaming.”
Suddenly, before she could reply, an alarm went off. Blue Leader and the guard whipped around to look at a screen popping out of the wall.
“And he’s back with a flamethrower,” she growled, “See, this is why I told you I want them DEAD. Dead, you hear me! DEAD!” Paul actually cracked a slight smile. He didn’t know what those Blue Army soldiers did to Yanov, but they certainly pushed the wrong buttons. In the distance, gunfire and screaming could be heard.
“GO!” Blue Leader yelled, shoving the guard towards the room of screaming, “I won’t have this freak in a fursuit burning my men alive!”
Yuu jumped awake at the sounds of gunfire and screaming. He tiredly rubbed his eyes and stood up. The room was empty… Except for one thing. The box! He quickly ran to it and began pushing it towards the plane. He wasn’t met with much resistance until he got there. Several guards charged him, but he toppled them like dominoes with a spinning sweep kick. His robotic legs may have been an issue for speed, but when it came to kick strength, he was unmatched. He smirked and the guards attempted to get up from their pile while he pushed the box onto the plane. As he stood up, he head the click of a gun behind his head.
Patryck got up as soon as he heard the scraping against the floor of the plane. Gun at the ready, he made his way to the cargo bay and found none other than Blue Leader herself holding Yuu at gunpoint. Without hesitation, she aimed a second gun at him.
“Don’t move Patryck,” she scowled, “I won’t let you take that box back. Some guards walked Paul into the cargo bay, also at gunpoint.
“What is so important that’s in that box?!” Yuu asked.
“That’s classified,” she replied coldly, “Now all we need is your furry friend and we can get going.”
“Going?” Patryck asked, “Where are you taking us?”
“The Bermuda Triangle!” she laughed, “You and your leader’s precious little box will go missing forever!” The remaining guards dragged Yanov in without his flamethrower.
“Unhand me!” he cried, “I’m not finished with you! You stole the box! You broke my Switch! You stole my flamethrower!”
“Those are your problems,” Blue Leader replied, “Now say goodnight, Gracie.”
“Goodnight Gracie,” Paul said calmly, stabbing a butterfly knife into the shoulders of one of the guards holding him. He flipped the knife around a few times with a grin and lunged at Blue Leader. In a flash – quite literally – she slammed her guns together and they fused, creating her own actual gunblade. At the push of a button, it grew much larger than the size of either gun. Paul ducked as she fired, swinging his blade through the air. The bullet hit one of her guards and Paul’s knife lodged itself into the back of her cybernetic thigh. She grunted and shot a glare at the Dutchman, who simply grinned back.
“Why you little...” she growled, whipping the gunblade around to hit Yuu, only to be grabbed from behind by Patryck.
“I’ll take that!” Yuu smiled as he yanked the gunblade away, “I’m sure Red Leader will love this. You know how much he loves anime.”
“You may have taken my gun,” she grinned, “But you know my legs are still killer!” And with that, she flipped backwards, kicking Patryck in the face before she landed on her feet, freed from his hold on her. She pulled a third gun out of her jacket and aimed it at Yuu.
“I have a new plan,” she said calmly, “Guards, take these four idiots to the testing chamber. I want them to meet Sally.”
And so, they were dragged off and shoved in a sterile lab-like arena-esque chamber with a high ceiling and a giant door at the other end.
“Sally was an experiment of mine a few years ago,” Blue Leader smirked, “An experiment in… Reanimating the dead. And she sure is hungry.” The boys looked at each other.
“A zombie?” Yanov asked.
“Yes!” she replied, “Smart points go to the furry for once in his tragically short life! Au revoir!”
“I’m not a furry!” he protested, “I’m a scalie! There’s a difference!” Paul actually laughed.
“We’ve dealt with zombies before!” he said, “Try us!” Blue Leader simply grinned as a distant rumbling drew nearer. The large door opened and for a moment, the four saw nothing. Then, a zombie tyrannosaurus rex entered the room. They stared in shock.
“Don’t move a muscle...” Paul whispered, “She can’t see us if we don’t move.”
“Paul?” Yuu replied, “You do realize that that series got a lot wrong, right? Including that whole thing about staying still?”
“What he’s trying to say is that we should run like crazy and try to think of a way out of here,” Patryck said, trembling. And they did. While screaming and flailing.