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depression Entry 00A: Just a blurb mostly



I really just want to get a few things off my chest, however, I don't really expect anyone to care, but to those who give pause, and don't troll, thank you in advance.


So, first off, I figured I'd mention that though I was truly born in the Spring, by the 'legal' piece of paper I'm damned by, I've been imprisoned on this planet for 32 years, as of 12:57 this morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, on my details I have it set as a date far more recent; I won't lie, the facts are that I have almost completely separated myself from my 'legal bs' identity, however, there are some things that I cannot do as of yet, given the risk of perjury. But make no mistake, there is no one that can tell me who I am without being biased; only I know me, and I shame those who would say otherwise.


Next, no, I want no birthday wishes. I kept this to a blog post for that reason. I have nothing to celebrate; I'm NOT going to go get drunk or go party or whatever, I'm not that kind of girl and to many, I'm just a mentally ill man who wishes he were a woman. My middle fingers to every single one of them and I hope they all get what they deserve, nothing good I assure you.


I'm also sick of this 'fantasy land' nonsense. I know some mean it as a joke, and I often laugh with you on that; it is when it is taken into serious consideration that I'm 'off my rocker' for having memories far more clear of my homeland than of the pain and suffering I've been through here AGAINST MY WILL, that I am absolutely offended, and how dare you.


As much as I wish to sunder this mortal flesh, it would be better to reverse the evil deus ex machina's whole plot, so that the mortal flesh may actually have a mortal soul as an occupant instead of being a torture chamber cell for a non-mortal who was obviously a threat someone's evil plot as far as I can tell. Reversing said plot would be a lot easier if I knew where to start looking for any information that may lead to how it was done, but even searching for a local Pagan group online has net nothing, though I blame Google and Ajit Piefacefart for part of that.


As far as gamedev goes, I'm still running into Syntax snags, but I'm working on it, mostly alone this time. Nothing further to post so no updates as of yet (they'll be in my Game Cabinet blog if I decide to actually post anymore updates at all).


Honest, hand to Odinn confession: I've never felt so homesick than I do now. I don't know what to do, other than let time pass me by at this point, while doing my best to remain occupied...


You see, most of what I say online, if I dare talk about it offline...just causes issues. There's an empty seat at the table, an empty lab station at the academy, an empty bed at my house...all because I am imprisoned here...and I am so sick of being treated like I know nothing. It boils my blood, insults my intellect, and is like a knife in the back being twisted day in and out. Gross.


There, I've gotten that off my chest. Back to...something. Likely Discord.


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If you ask me, it doesn't even matter if it's a 'fantasy land' or not. It's important to you, and that's all that matters. Plus I would not truly trust the ability of anyone to tell what is 'fantasy' or not anyway. Especially me! Regardless of if you are 'off your rocker' or not, I know I absolutely am. I don't even own a rocking chair in the first place! :3 That said, I am often troubled by the philosophical implications of some of the things you have said. But that's okay, there is no need for my truth and yours to be the same now is there?

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@Saeryen I'm more likely to be hurt by someone with ill intentions than the latter; just par for the course nowadays and not much I can do other than arm up.


@Kayzee If you'd like to help me, say the word. I'll air mail ya the project. Of course, you like your new toy, so I won't bug ya.

If everything I know is nothing more than an illusion then...yeah. I'd have no reason to continue on because this imprisonment is just as much of a lie.


Truth, facts, relevancy...no solid foundation for any of the three, nor their opposing counterparts...but that's Ph.D level topic talk...

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Air mail me? What would you mail me exactly? You couldn't end it over the net somehow? But yeah, I haven't been doing much coding lately since I got my new toy though, so I donno how much I will be able to help anyway.


Also, it's not as simple as things being either real or illusion you know. Or so I think anyway. It's perfectly possible for something to be both. Regardless, if you ask me the past is just a story of what might have been, and the future is just as story about what might be. Memories are always imperfect, so they say. If other parallel realities exist, chances are at least one probobly matches your memories regardless. In an infinite omniverse all possibilities are true after all, right?


But honestly, again, I don't think it matters. All I know, is I want you to stick around here. I have fun talking with you, and feel it's meaningful for me. It's selfish of me, but this flesh you hate allowed you to talk to me, so I am grateful for it and don't want you to abandon it. I can't make you stick around, but I think the mortal world can be fun, and I wish I could help you at least enjoy your lifetime here, trapped or not.

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@Kayzee It was a joke. Of course I'd just upload it to MEGA and send you the link...or maybe I'd just torrent it and send you the URI...(perhaps the latter since that is how I intend to distribute the game once a demo is ready).


Hmmm...yeah, I guess so. It would be better if I lived in a place where I wasn't questioned about every single damn thing...including matters of the heart and my likes/dislikes.


@Saeryen If I were to vanish without a word, would it matter much? There are times when I wonder that myself. It isn't like if I were to suddenly be hauled off to jail, that I'd be able to inform anyone here that I'd be gone for a long time, that is, unless I had advance notice...and that's just one example of many.

Why do I mention that particular example? because, as a 'mentally unstable' and 'overall bad actor', that's bound to happen. I put those descriptions in quotes because they're both as equally invalid as they are flat-out-lies, but the majority believes them, and by majority, that's what I am on legal paper. Ugh. Yeah. The fallacy of legal nonsense.

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I rather download it from MEGA myself, I am not sure I even have a torrent client installed.


Also: How much do you even actually meaningfully interact with people anyway? I mean, if you purposely try and do things in a way you know will call attention to yourself that's one thing (and it's not always a bad thing to do so, I mean that's basically what protesters and other activists do in order to support their cause). But if all you want to do is be left alone and have tons of nosy people judging you for things that's something else.


I wish you could move up here to Ithaca NY, we are all a bunch of lovely 'freaks' and 'weirdos' here and I think you would fit right in. :3

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If you disappeared one day and didn't post for a while, I would worry. Trust me when I say that I would feel terrible. I really do care about you and I want you to live a happy life.


I once felt awful almost every day but I still had hope. And today life is wonderful. It can be for you too.

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@Kayzee I'm curious as to why you don't have one installed, but uploading to MEGA or perhaps Steam Workshop would be best...


I've tried to be more sociable as of recent, but it is not so easy. I can't give a tangible measure as an answer to your question other than 'less than I'd like but not trying to garner a following'. I just want to be given the respect I know I've more than earned, without being forced to explain to those that don't care about me as to why/how I've earned it.


Hmmm...I have to wonder if even I wouldn't be an outcast there; seems that I'm an outcast no matter where I go. I fault the greed and avarice of all politicians, and corporations.


EDIT: Took too long to reply, now I have to look like I also replied to @Saeryen or else, rude.


... @Saeryen I guess that wouldn't stop you from worrying, but I'm sure that eventually, you would move on...

Edited by PhoenixSoul

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Respect doesn't really work like that. Honestly if you ask me the whole idea of 'respect' is kinda screwed up. Remember those same greedy politicians and corporations live off people's respect. Maybe you think they haven't 'earned' it, and maybe they haven't.  But they are given it all the same. Because they are rich, because they are famous, because they did such and such or so and so. So they learn to demand it, become spoiled with it, don't appreciate it. Now imagine if people treated them the way you say they treat you? Always have to ask why they should give it, regardless of what you feel you have done to earn it. Wouldn't the world be a much better place? Wouldn't that mean the assholes who get away with things would have to face consequences for once? I rather see less respect and more actual caring myself.

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