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Entry 00E: Trying to find a Balance where there isn't one...



So, yeah, I've been on a mean roller coaster of emotions as of recent, but the fact remains that life is not good and slowly becoming unlivable. As sad as that is, I've found that anything I do to attempt to make any sort of changes at all, gets thwarted by everything and everyone, aware or unaware, the blame, cause and effect is evenly spread.


I could talk about how things could be better, and all that, but I won't because none of it matters.


All that matters is diving into the same debauchery and living by it like everyone else, regardless of how it clashes with you.


The alternative is undeserved suffering at the hands of the greedy and avaricious.


Of course, you know me, I take the alternative path and that won't change, but what will, is how I react to the way I am treated because I have reached my limit on how much nonsense I can handle, and I will be fair, but going forward, those that treat me like garbage, will receive the same, and if those that treat me like garbage just happen to be 'perceived authority figures', I will add an extra layer of shame upon them. This applies online and offline.

Treat me like an equal, be decent, honest and fair, all square.


I won't change my views on any given thing, but there are things I will be more vocal about, especially if it falls under avarice, hate, and/or greed.


I am a disabled person, my income is fixed and very limited, so yes, I do accept donations, but because of the absolute f*ckery by the likes of PayPal and GoFundMe, the donations are to be cash by mail only. I've received a couple of these, and it works just fine, just slip the money in a letter or something.

Next, I want to talk about gamedev in general. One of my main issues is that so much garbage goes on, that it really affects my creative flow, and as of recent, I've had many more periods of major creative stagnation than I've ever had in a year. That tells me that something needs to change, but the issue lies once again in my finances which are lackluster at best and not even in my control, for reasons unknown and likely invalid.

"Why don't you get a job?"
I've tried; I don't have the ability to be patient and submit applications on a cycle, my mind doesn't work that way.

"Why don't you change these things, improve them?"

That's as realistic as me growing a second set of arms, period.

"You're just being negative."

You be positive, I'll be realistic. (Thanks, Uncle Frank. -Home Alone)

"(Transphobic/homophobic nonsense)"
I look better in a dress than you do, you jealous or something? I can bind you to a chair and make you a woman...

Yep, these are FAQ.

Another thing about gamedev is that it is never something I can just get into; I do have to be in a certain mindset to get into it, usually the 'inspired' mindset.

Sometimes, gaming helps me get there, sometimes not.

I'm also one person, and yes, figuring everything out on my own is not possible. I use assets and ask for help because this is necessary, period.

But it's not necessary to put a price tag on said assistance, and that is where I stand on that. If one says they'll assist but later on require some sort of recompense, that is an absolute deal breaker, and I keep 100% of everything, assets, or otherwise because that's the price of lying to me.

But that's only applicable in cases where no initial cost was agreed upon, however, in a case where one changes their agreed upon cost to something that is unrealistic, it will end in the same, I will keep everything because I was lied to.

It's one thing if it is reasonable, but knowingly breaching your word and harming the other/s involved nullifies the agreement in full, and the one causing the harm gets nothing. Period.


So, anyway...enough about that.

I'm going to end this with a little factoid.

You can run RM in Safe Mode (it looks like garbage but that's how it is), and all one has to do is enable audio.

it requires adding keys to the registry, but after that, a reboot into safe mode and audio is enabled. RM will run after that. You can play games even, test play, whatever, as long as none of what you program in requires Direct X, because there's no way that I know of, to enable that.


Yeah, that's about it. I know very few will read this (I expect as much because I'm just a trans chick drama queen to most people e.e), but it's better than holding everything in...

Well, I think so anyway.

Until next time. Maybe.


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I feel you girl, but I honestly can't help but feel sometimes that the narrative you construct around yourself sounds a little dubious. Not that I don't believe you mind, at least any less then I believe anyone else, but that's not really the point. I understand feeling like you are stuck and that everything in the world is holding you back. I felt that way too a lot in the past and still do sometimes. But, at least for me, it feels like there is really a lot more going on under the surface. I think if you dig a little deeper you will slowly unravel more and more of the puzzle.


It feels sometimes like you kinda gave up on solving the puzzle. That your frustrated and fed up banging your head on the wall, that you just don't even feel like bothering. I get that. I want to see if I can give you clues sometimes, but every person has their own little puzzle to work through. I have a sneaking suspicion though that I am pretty far along mine, and maybe I can help! Maybe that is just my way of dealing with it all of course, seeing a pattern in the noise which may or may not actually be there. But I kinda like trying to solve it anyway. To me the puzzle it's self is fun. And I honestly think more and more that that's kind of the whole point.


If you ask me, life is more or less just the ultimate gamedev tool. People make up their own games and puzzles and have their own rules, and sometimes those games arn't fun and the rules are not stacked in your favor. I think people should be able to make their own games, their own way of living, that would make them happy. Sometimes it's really hard to do, but I think it can be done.

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It would be better if at least one of these issues were much less of a threat to life and limb, like if living expenses weren't so high and/or my financial resources went further than they do now (I know there are ways to make this happen but I've little to no expertise in this area).


Meh. It's more like one of those puzzles that requires an item that had to be discarded long before reaching said puzzle because it was weighing me down. Of course, said item, when translating this scenario to what I deal with now, is not a physical item, but one that requires a physical currency to modify (or for the system in which it is attached to collapse). Yes, I speak of 'legal' identity change; it'll be no problem once government collapses because then it'll be a simple matter of saying who I am and that's all that needs to be. Other than that, it's a bunch of BS hoops to jump through and money I don't have.


Honestly, I'm breaking from the prison I am inside of far more often these days, but the fact that I wake up and am still trapped within day after day, it's no damn wonder why I have no tolerance left for stupidity. I have no practical purpose here, other than to be a punch dummy for others, physical/mental/emotional. It's no different than incarceration, really, and it disgusts me to the very core. If only I had leverage in some fashion, I'd try to free myself...


It can be done, when one has full access to their free will. I do not...well...it is more like I have full access to my free will but not the ability to use it in any possible way, just a select few ways, and I hate it. I hate being a victim of mortal, societal misconduct, like it's my damn fault, that people believe the misconduct of my ancestors is mine to carry. Whomever believes that, deserves to be erased; it is absolute BS.


And yet...and yet...here I sit, typing out this instead of acting on it. Again, my inaction, or inability to act, is what keeps me here. The finger is pointed at me, but in reality, the finger is to be pointed at itself. The blame is not mine, the responsibility is not mine, and those who would claim otherwise deserve to be erased.


No, I'm not mad, I'm livid. Calm, but livid. I have menial means of making sure further intrusions do not occur without punishment, and I will not hesitate to use them if the need arises. Until then, I need a Saga. What's the Saga? It's...Songs for the Deaf; you can't even hear it.

Edited by PhoenixSoul

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I just think you are too focused on who's 'to blame' and who's 'responsible' and what people 'deserve'. Heck I think most people are. But what good is it? What worth is it seek 'justice' or 'fairness' if things are going to be the same anyway? You said yourself what you are doing: Trying to find a Balance where there isn't one. As much as I believe a kind of 'free will' to exist, people are still just machines, and quite a lot of them broken machines at that. Are people truly blameless for their actions? No. But they arn't often fully at fault either.


But that's not really the point is it? People don't get punished because they are at fault, punishment is just another tool people use to fulfill their own agendas. Even if they believe strongly in justice for all, it's still a tool to enforce their own kind of justice.  I am not saying not to use the tool, I am just saying that I think there are better ways to think about the problem.

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I guess I make focus and emphasis hard to distinguish between, don't I?

Not that it makes much difference, the end result is the same; no one takes accountability for their misconduct, and burdens others with it instead. It's one thing when kids do it because they've not learned how to be accountable and/or are being stupid with their siblings/relatives, it's another when it becomes a scapegoating scheme later on in life. Get caught, blame someone else/burden them, and so on.


If there's one thing that makes me go through a mood roller coaster, it's thinking about these things, but honesty and fairness are ingrained in me so it's not something I can just readily ignore (or I can try but that never ends well). I can certainly see where the mood roller coaster took me for a few loop-de-loops in my previous reply.


And that's how it goes, and nope, you still can't hear it.

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It's not that I don't believe in some kind of 'fairness' or 'balance' at all, it's just that I don't believe in absolutes. I don't think that the value of any one thing is every exactly worth the value of another. I don't want to upset you, but it seems to me like some might accuse you of doing the same thing, scapegoating others and blaming them. I don't think that's 'fair', but I don't think you are very 'fair' to most people either. Granted some people... well you just can't treat them any other way. Some people just seem poisonous. It dosn't even matter if they are at fault or deserve it, it's just the only way it seems like you can interact with them. But most people? Well, most people might as well be animals or machines. And the thing is, I don't think fairness is even what you are really looking for. What anyone really is looking for.. I think its another tool people use.


If I am upsetting you in anyway, just tell me to shut up and I will clam up. I know I can do that sometimes, and though I am trying to help in my own way, I don't want to make you upset.



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Perception of what fairness is and what it actually is, has not truly been in sync for some time.

I mean, tell me if I am wrong, but if not being deceitful and telling things like it is, holding others accountable for their misdeeds, and so on isn't fair, then I don't know what is. If that is so, then falling from a high point really doesn't seem so bad because it's better than worthlessness.


But I agree with toxic society being a pervasive thing.



I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I hurt and I suffer, and what the Hell for. What did I do in the first place. Or what did I not do. No answers means I suffer without reason, and that enrages me even more.

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Okay let me put it another way... How would you say the value of the color blue is compared to that of the moon? Would you trade one for the other? Can you put a price on those things? How about right and up? How do you value rightness compared to upness? A rainy day to a foggy one? Maybe you can think about what one you would prefer, but do you have an absolute idea of value? Can you really judge fairness without one? Do you know the real truth of everything you see? Do you know what the rules really are? Are their any rules? Why should there be? Who put them there? Do they actually help you?


You're exhausted, you're frustrated, you're hurt and you suffer... I believe that. I think you can trust that. You are not alone in that. Is that fair? Is tiredness fair? Why does it exist? is frustration fair? Why are we able to feel that way? is pain fair? Even if pain is meant to teach you, does it have to hurt so much? Is suffering fair? What meaning could their possibly be in it? Is free will fair? Why do we think? Is control fair? Why do we have to be controlled? What's the point of all these things really? What's the point of anything? Why are we here? Why does anything exist at all? There is only one answer I can give: Because it does. And isn't that amazing? Isn't that baffling and wonderful and terrible? Things exist! Bad things, good things, things we don't know about yet... Despite everything, it is still here. It may be selfish of me, but is it wrong for me to want you to be around?


You know, there is this great quote about fairness I really enjoy...

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