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Entry 00F: Earth, I Do Not Belong Here




It's hard to say anything without sounding offensive in some manner...


Being honest, being kind, you name it, it offends at least one person, and it's one thing if said person is just an otherwise nameless individual who you'd likely never run into again, but it is so much more disruptive when it is a person of trust or worse, someone you care about.


And yet...there's nothing to be done about it, it just is, and that's one reason why Earth is not a place where I belong; I was not raised to handle such cognitive dissonance, or to be more clear, I wasn't given the chance to learn how to handle it, which is why my imprisonment in this mortal flesh is all the more a crime against existence as a whole, because it puts so much out of balance, nothing is as it is supposed to be. Of course, I expect no one to understand this, so I won't explain further. I know one individual will challenge my viewpoint, and even if her heart is in the right place, ultimately, it only serves to invalidate my experiences, which is something I deal with far too much to even be remotely fair or valid.


There are many more reasons, many, many more, but thinking about all this, knowing that all that matters is I'm here and actively being punished for reasons unknown, and I'm just a kid ffs (or I was when my imprisonment was forced upon me), forced to live as an adult would, and it is throwing me for a tizzy loop. It's hurting me, and releasing myself is most of what I am able to think about lately. I hate it here, I'm sick of the lying, cheating nonsense, and all I want is for it to end. Am I selfish for wanting this to just be over? I don't care what you think, I know the answer is no, and the reason why the answer is no is because unexplained, unearned, undeserved punishment like this, by default, indemnifies me against all ill intent unless I do something to earn this punishment, and I have done no such thing, which I also know to be true. In the eyes of mortals, I am the product of 'sin', but in truth, they have burdened me with their own misconduct, and therefore, I have no blame to claim. I am not a mortal, just imprisoned inside mortal flesh. I should also note that I am also not bound by any laws made by mortals.

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Well, regardless if you are selfish for wanting it to be over, I am still gonna be selfish and wish you keep sticking around. You can blame me all you want for that. I am not going to hide form my selfishness, from my 'sin'. In fact, I am proud of it. But even so, I get it. I really do. I do not begrudge you for demanding more, for expecting something better. I will not even begrudge you for giving up. I will do what I can to stop you from doing so, but I can really do very little in the end. Divine or mortal, I want you to stay in this world. Because I can't, and won't, follow you if you leave. Or maybe come to mine, but I doubt that's possible for you right now. I think it's still possible that you can find happiness here. I really do. But that's not very helpful is it?


You know... I said I would do whatever I can but... No. That's not true. It's a polite turn of phase and a bad habit. Maybe I could send you every dollar I had, maybe I could find a way to get to you and steal you away, but all I really am willing to do is give you pep talks when I can, and it's obvious I could do more. Lots of people could. Most people are selfish, most people 'sin'. There may be genuinely pure good people out there, I don't know. But then, even if there are, how many misdeeds and evil actions have been done in the name of 'good'? Far too many. I think it's pretty logical why most people act the way they do. Well maybe not logical exactly, but understandable. That's why I find it hard to blame humans really, to hate them. They really are just a bunch of animals scurrying after any bit of meat they can find, just machines programed to adapt and survive. I actually find it awe inspiring that the world is as good of a place as it is. Not that that makes problems go away though mind, but it's still a work in progress, it hasn't reach it's final stage. I want to see what the world will be when it does, don't you?

Edited by Kayzee

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