Please critique my game idea

[Braxillian 4]

Since my original concept kind of backfired on me and my writer hasn't been in touch. I've decided to take a crack and coming up with my own story line. So far this is what I've come up with:

 

 

 

(start total black)

I remember it all very well... 

 

(sepia scene of people standing around a podium in the center of town)

I remember the first one...

 

I remember the look on the faces of those first chosen.

I was too little to understand it then, but looking back now...

That feeling... 

The feeling like you know you aren't going to succeed...

 

(sepia scene of kids playing at the entrance to a cave)

I remember us sneaking out of town to play at the entrance...

 

We would spend hours playing there until our parents would come find us.

I remember the look on their face as they would scold us for going there and how they would hold us so tight...

We were too little to understand it all then...

 

Looking back now, we should've stayed away from there and never looked back...

 

...If only it was that easy...

 

(fade in scene)

Allexa: Brax! Wake up...

Allexa: Come on... Wake up!

Allexa: Today's the day. If you're late you know what will happen...

 

Brax: Ungh.. I'm awake. 

 

Allexa: We've got to get to the square.

Allexa: But first you better put on some clothes!

 

Brax: Ah, right. Clothes!

 

(Brax scurries to the armoir to put on some clothes)

 

Brax: Hey...

 

Allexa: Yeah?

 

Brax: What if... What if I'm chosen?

 

(Allexa sweat animation and steps back)

Allexa: Don't talk like that! This is our first time. No way either of us will be chosen.

 

Brax: I'm being serious.

(Brax takes a step forward) 

 

Brax: If I'm chosen I want you to look after my dad!

 

Allexa: Brax, I said don't talk like that! Besides, if you're chosen I'll volunteer.

 

(Brax anger animation)

Brax: No! You've got to promise me that it happens you will never do that!

 

Allexa: ...You're all I have left.

Allexa: You and your dad are the only things I have left in my life. I can't just let you go...

 

Brax: I know that's how you feel Allexa, but this isn't a game. 

 

Allexa: I know that but...

 

(Bell rings in the background)

Allexa: Oh! It's almost time. We've got to hurry.

 

Brax: Alright. Let's go!

 

(Allexa joins the party)

 

(Screen fades back to black)

I'm sure you're probably confused at this point, so let me fill you in a little.

 

Today was the day of the lottery. 

The lottery was designed by the mayor of our village to keep the population at a "manageable" level.

With the scarcity of food and fresh water remaining after the great quake, we are the only people left in the entire world.

When children of the village reach age 16 they are entered into the lottery.

As I'm sure you guessed, we are now both 16. She turned 16 just two days before. Oh, how I wish it had been two days after... Sorry, back to the story...

Everyone in the village, including the Mayor, are all given a number and two are randomly drawn from a hat. The winners, if you can call them that, are tasked with going to The Crevise.

 

The Crevise is something that arose during the quake. It's a cavernous den of monsters and demons. 

Nightly you can hear the cries and sounds of evil things bellowing from it's entrance. Nobody knows exactly how far down it goes because nobody has ever returned.

Those chosen are tasked with the mission to search for a few things. A cause, a new source of water, food and if luck willing, life. 

 

The lottery has been going on every year for 10 years now. None have ever returned...

Edited June 12, 2013 by Braxillian

[Arfax 5]

Wow, this sounds like Hunger Games. I like it.

 

Anyway game ideas are half defined by the story and the other half by the gameplay.. So what's in store for

us for this kind of game?

 

By the way, if you need a writer I can probably help you with that, since I'm having a hard time with my solo project.

[HumanNinja 144]

Sounds nearly exactly like the plot for Hunger Games.

 

I suggest you change it up a bit. What kinda fun is it to write a story based on something else that has already been done? In my opinion, you should scrap the lottery idea. Don't make the character be chosen. Let the character choose to go of his own volition (it's more hero-like that way). There's nothing wrong with idea of traversing the menacing 'Crevise' in search of food, water, etc. but, I would ditch all the stuff that makes it sound like Hunger Games and come up with your own unique ideas.

Edited June 12, 2013 by HumanNinja

[Braxillian 4]

Haha, truth be told I've never even seen the Hunger Games. This idea was a mix of a book called The Lottery and Bioshock Infinite. I liked the idea of a lottery being a bad thing. I read over the synopsis for Hunger Games however and see your point. I'll tell you the reason my idea is different. The ending to this tale is where your supposed to be amazed. What you played through and read were two totally different things. I was going to play it off that the characters you controlled were not the ones from the story, but in fact hundreds of years later they found this story deep inside The Crevise, next to the body or bodies of the two that wrote it. Shortly after the two you controlled discuss how they are never getting out alive when someone breaks through the wall right near them. Essentially leading them outside to a world they never knew existed.

[Pikalyze 4]

Braxillian? It's not just a movie you know :3.

Anyways, nice plot :3

[+ OmegaDSX 8]

You could have the "lottery" referring to a natural phenomenon, Which leads to peoples disappearance, and centre the plot around that, and the reason behind it.  "take inspiration from steven kings The Dome" if you have read it.  

Also if you want to brain storm ideas anytime, my inbox is always open ^^ 

[Braxillian 4]

That's not a bad idea I suppose. Make the center of town the entrance more or less, with no real way to get back. I'll take that into consideration.

[+ Dark Influence 251]

Well, it wouldn't make much sense if 'The Crevise' had an actual entrance/exit - Anyone who ends up there could just simply leave unless the entrance/exit were heavily guarded day and night all day everyday, that somehow seems unlikely though.

 

'The Crevise' is a flawed location idea, someone smashed a hole in the wall at the end... it was that simple? Where did that random person who smashed the hole in the wall come from in the first place?

 

This story seems like it's full of holes right now to be honest, good luck repairing your sinking ship though.

 

(May seem harsh but that's the way of the world unfortunately you and everyone else)

[Braxillian 4]

there are no holes, i just dont want to give out the entire idea. 

[+ Dark Influence 251]

I'm kind of curious as to why some random person even bothered smashing a hole in the wall to begin with really.

[Arfax 5]

A few points regarding the story (based on a writer's perspective)

 

 

 

1. It's better if the Crevise had an entrance but no exit. Then the kids who were sent to gather food, water, etc.

drop off what they gather in a particular spot inside the Crevise. Then, someone from the outside world (it can be mayor's

guards or whatever) gather the supplies back to the town so they can sustain the community. They're using a secret entrance/exit to the Crevise btw. Thus, the reason why none ever returned from that place is justified.

 

2. A lot of kids who were sent inside died even before finding something else. In-game those people found a wrong way, 

and ended up fighting high-lvl mobs. Thus, they all died. Fortunately, the main chars did enter the other way - that path is also

taken by a few who survived. It could be some npcs, minor chars and even possible party members...

 

3. There are "survivors' den" inside the Crevise, equivalent to main towns,cities with weapons, armors to sell and 

quests. It was built by the survivors who managed to survive and decided to form a community to increase the odds of

their survival. But here's the good part - the Mayor's lottery fest for the Crevise was actually a conspiracy.. The mayor was 

actually controlled by some entity (it can be demon, alien whatever) to "sacrifice" the children of the village. Thus, controlling

the population and to leave the town with no resistance once that being started to take over the outside world.

 

 

 

 

I hope that helps with your brainstorming....

[+ OmegaDSX 8]

What if they were never in the place in the first place, But in stasis ?  a collective dream , and they escape when they "awaken from it" after trying to escape.

A shared reality based on those Captured their.  Obviously you would need to work in a reason why they "escape".  Just an idea from one writer to another ^^  

[+ Dark Influence 251]

Suddenly a Fantasy themed game is turning into a Sci-Fi themed game, the entire idea is very slowly being rewritten.

 

Next thing you know someone will try to add laser rifles and mechs to it, after that comes the Death Star and Luke Skywalker I'd assume.

 

@OmegaDSX: 'their' should be 'there' - Just a minor spelling correction.

[+ OmegaDSX 8]

Suddenly a Fantasy themed game is turning into a Sci-Fi themed game, the entire idea is very slowly being rewritten.

 

Next thing you know someone will try to add laser rifles and mechs to it, after that comes the Death Star and Luke Skywalker I'd assume.

 

@OmegaDSX: 'their' should be 'there' - Just a minor spelling correction.

Gah Thanks, No sleep makes me a terrible speller. 

 

Also there doesn't have to be anything Sci-fi about a shared Existence in the land of dream, In fact the Fantasy element could come from where they are trapped haha. 

 

Just trying to help anyway's. 

[Naridar 9]

A few points regarding the story (based on a writer's perspective)

 

 

 

1. It's better if the Crevise had an entrance but no exit. Then the kids who were sent to gather food, water, etc.

drop off what they gather in a particular spot inside the Crevise. Then, someone from the outside world (it can be mayor's

guards or whatever) gather the supplies back to the town so they can sustain the community. They're using a secret entrance/exit to the Crevise btw. Thus, the reason why none ever returned from that place is justified.

 

2. A lot of kids who were sent inside died even before finding something else. In-game those people found a wrong way, 

and ended up fighting high-lvl mobs. Thus, they all died. Fortunately, the main chars did enter the other way - that path is also

taken by a few who survived. It could be some npcs, minor chars and even possible party members...

 

3. There are "survivors' den" inside the Crevise, equivalent to main towns,cities with weapons, armors to sell and 

quests. It was built by the survivors who managed to survive and decided to form a community to increase the odds of

their survival. But here's the good part - the Mayor's lottery fest for the Crevise was actually a conspiracy.. The mayor was 

actually controlled by some entity (it can be demon, alien whatever) to "sacrifice" the children of the village. Thus, controlling

the population and to leave the town with no resistance once that being started to take over the outside world.

 

 

 

 

I hope that helps with your brainstorming....

 

Just a suggestion for the third point, it doesn't need to be a demon, it can simply be the mayor's greed or misguided sense of duty: keeping his own position (greed) or making sure that his beloved community stays alive (sense of duty and loyalty) is worth sacrificing a few children.

[Arfax 5]

 

A few points regarding the story (based on a writer's perspective)

 

 

 

1. It's better if the Crevise had an entrance but no exit. Then the kids who were sent to gather food, water, etc.

drop off what they gather in a particular spot inside the Crevise. Then, someone from the outside world (it can be mayor's

guards or whatever) gather the supplies back to the town so they can sustain the community. They're using a secret entrance/exit to the Crevise btw. Thus, the reason why none ever returned from that place is justified.

 

2. A lot of kids who were sent inside died even before finding something else. In-game those people found a wrong way, 

and ended up fighting high-lvl mobs. Thus, they all died. Fortunately, the main chars did enter the other way - that path is also

taken by a few who survived. It could be some npcs, minor chars and even possible party members...

 

3. There are "survivors' den" inside the Crevise, equivalent to main towns,cities with weapons, armors to sell and 

quests. It was built by the survivors who managed to survive and decided to form a community to increase the odds of

their survival. But here's the good part - the Mayor's lottery fest for the Crevise was actually a conspiracy.. The mayor was 

actually controlled by some entity (it can be demon, alien whatever) to "sacrifice" the children of the village. Thus, controlling

the population and to leave the town with no resistance once that being started to take over the outside world.

 

 

 

 

I hope that helps with your brainstorming....

 

Just a suggestion for the third point, it doesn't need to be a demon, it can simply be the mayor's greed or misguided sense of duty: keeping his own position (greed) or making sure that his beloved community stays alive (sense of duty and loyalty) is worth sacrificing a few children.

 

I didn't say it's a demon, it's just a general concept of a "puppet controlled by a hidden hand" thing... Anyway

your idea is better. Give the mayor some motivation or backstory as to why he's doing those things.