Monzta 8 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) Why hello again my children! It’s a pleasure to see you all doing so well! How about another story? This tale is once again set in times long forgotten, hidden in a dark corner of my childhood. This is the tale of The Axle in the Pond. ***** In an ungrateful tone, I say to my mother “Really? This is our new home?†“Yes, really, and you’re going to love it here, just give it a chance will you?†replied my mother in a stern voice. “Fine†I said with a hint of reluctance. It was the dead of winter, the year is late 2000. With the scare of Y2K over and with and my new life starting out in an old farm house in the middle of nowhere I wasn’t holding out much hope for a social life. Allow me to elaborate; We had recently moved from a town called “Tofield†to a relatively large sized farm house between the twin towns “Holden†and “Ryley†in Alberta, Canada. This was the beginning of a new life, and the beginning of a terrible nightmare I couldn’t hope to wake up from any time soon. While opening the back of the moving truck my mother turned to look at me and said “Go on ahead, we’ll start unloading our stuff. Tell you what, you can even pick which room you like.†“any room?†I asked “Of course!†She replied, with a kindhearted smile on her face. I quickly took this opportunity to explore my new home. The house itself was well built, sturdy and looked to date back to before even my parents births. I entered the front door which lead into a decent sized den, connected on the north and east sides of the room were empty doorways. To the north was a bedroom, to the east was the kitchen. Then I just so happened to look up, I saw a pull string attached to what appeared to be attic stairs. After several unsuccessful attempts at grabbing the dangling handle to what could possibly be my new room I grabbed a few of the boxes my parents had been lugging in and managed to finally get the stairs to drop. I ascended slowly, fearing that the rickety old steps would collapse from underneath me. I already had a fear of heights and some decrepit staircase wasn’t helping the situation. After reaching the top I realized that it was just an attic, complete with a peak ceiling and a circular window at one end of the room. I approached the window and peered through the dusty glass out into what would now be our yard. It was massive, it had to be at least 5 km each way you looked. (Km is Kilometers for those that don’t know but I digress). There were numerous things that caught my attention at first but the thing which seemed to hold my attention the longest was this small pond-like body of water about a km and a half away. It was hard to see in detail anything that far away as it was all just pure white, a fresh sheet of snow had just fallen 2 nights prior and since this house had been previously uninhabited it was all undisturbed.. except the pond. “Wade!†came my fathers voice from downstairs. “Yeah?†I replied? “Have you decided which room you want? We’re bringing in your stuff now!†“Yeah, I think I’m going to take the attic, it has a nice view and there’s plenty of room!†“Alright, I’ll be up in a little bit with your bed and I’ll start putting it together. Also be careful, we don’t need you falling down these stairs!†My father said before exiting the house. With my attention from the pond broken I decided to give my parents a hand with the unpacking, so I carefully started descending the staircase. About midway down I heard a terrifying crackling noise and the next thing I knew I was pinned under the collapsed half of the staircase I had just been standing on. After hearing the sudden crash, my father came bursting back into the house where he found me lying underneath about 3 feet of broken, rotted wood. He rushed over to me and began lifting each piece off as carefully but as swiftly as he could. Luckily the only injury I sustained was a sprained ankle which didn't really bother me much anyway. During the winters when I was a child I’d often find that if I got hurt it didn't hurt as bad because the cold helped to numb the pain, but I’m getting off topic. A few days later, after we had fully moved in and my temporary bedroom in the den was fully set up, my father began building a new set of stairs leading up into the attic. Most likely the only reason he even considered doing that was because I pestered him night and day about making the attic my room and that no other room would suffice. So while I waited to have my own giant room in the attic I decided I’d go out into our yard and play. “Wade, if you’re going outside remember not to go past the chicken coop alright? We don’t know how damaged the land is and we don’t want you getting hurt!†came my mothers voice from the bathroom where she had been hanging up her decorative candles and such. “Okay†I replied, halfheartedly. While I was outside I built snowmen, inspected trees around our property to see if I could climb any of them or really just anything a child would normally do while outside playing. That is, until I saw the pond in the distance. Once my eyes were fixated on the distant pool I couldn’t stop myself, my legs seamlessly moved on their own as I slowly took one step after the other towards my destination. About halfway there I begin to see another shape jutting out from the pond in the distance. It looked like those weights you see strong men lifting in those competitions. However, when I finally reached what I was looking at, I realized that it was an axle to some sort of vehicle. It didn’t look like it was still attached to anything except part of it was stuck frozen in the ice so for all I knew there could be a whole vehicle stuck under the ice and I wouldn’t have known. “WADE! What do you think you’re doing?!†came a gruff voice in the distance. “Dad?†I responded to the approaching figure. It was indeed my father. “We told you not to go any further than the chicken coop, weren’t you listening?!†his voice boomed. “I’m sorry, I just saw this pond over here and-†I was cut off before I could finish. “I don’t care if you saw a leprechaun or a unicorn or whatever, if we say don’t go past the coop you don’t go past the coop do you understand?!†“Yes, sir. I’m sorry†I said with an apologetic tone. “It’s fine, I’m just glad I got here before you decided to do anything stupid like walk on the ice or something†We walked back to our house in silence, it was probably the smart thing to do as my father wasn’t one for back talk. However while we were on our way back I couldn’t help but peer back for but a moment, what I saw was probably the trigger to the chain of events which eventually caused us to move again. A tall, rather skinny woman with long brown hair in a white nightgown stood atop the axle waving with a creepy smile while I walked away. I immediately snapped my head to face forward for fear of whoever or whatever she was. I dare not tell my father else he think I was trying to make up an excuse to go back out there, no, staying quiet was probably what caused that whole terrible ordeal… “Good morning sunshine†came my mothers voice as I sat up in bed. “Morning†I replied with an obviously sleepy voice. “What would you like for breakfast?†“Pancakes!†I screamed, almost leaping out of my bed in the process. “Okay, okay†she replied laughingly “you and your pancakes†My gaze slowly met with the window as I went from the den to the kitchen. I could see the pond off in the distance, this time lacking any sign of the woman I thought I saw the previous day. “What you lookin’ at?†asked my mother “Oh, uhm, the chicken coop! yeah, it looks kind of funny being all tilted the way it is. Just looking at it is enough to make me dizzy†I said with a forced laugh. “I guess so, but like we’ve told you don’t go near it. If it collapsed you could be trapped inside and freeze to death and nobody wants that!†replied my mother with obvious concern on her face. “I know mom, I promise I won’t go into the coop†“Good, you’re my baby and I’d hate to lose you†she said quickly turning her concerned look into one of joy and happiness. After enjoying the breakfast my mother had made for me I decided I’d try to sneak outside while my dad was at work. I was going to see what exactly it was that I saw out by that pond. I didn't know why but just the thought of being near that pond sent shivers up my spine and it took a hell of a lot of courage but I pressed on and once again I found myself standing there for what seemed like seconds but was in fact a few hours. Once again my father came darting out, this time grabbing me by the arm and forcing me to follow him back to the house. I was clearly in a lot of trouble, I didn't resist and allowed myself to be lead back to the house. I once again looked over my shoulder and there she was again. The woman appeared to be in her late 20s, wearing the same white nightgown, long brown hair with no shoes or jacket on. It appeared as if she belonged in bed, not standing atop a frozen axle stuck in a pond god only knows how deep it goes. That’s when it hit me, could she be trying to tell me something? I was never really one to believe in ghosts or bogeymen when I was a child but I’d like to force myself into believing sometimes just for the sheer enjoyment I’d get out of playing make believe. So I forced myself into believing that the ghost of this woman was trying to tell me something, I wish I would have left that damned pond alone and listened to my parents. For the next few days I was grounded, not to leave the house except for school. My father finished the new set of stairs relatively quickly and so I now had my own room. I spent most of my time sitting in my bed, which I had placed below the circular window, staring out into the winter wonderland which was our yard with my telescope.I liked to observe things at a distance, I could also occasionally see that woman standing there with that twisted smile on her face just waving at me, always in the same spot, never moving, just smiling and waving. Finally, the day had come where I didn't care how much trouble I’d get in, I needed to see what was under that ice! So I grabbed my jacket, my dads chisel, a hammer and set out towards the pond. When I arrived it was just as I had left it, frozen and still in this winter hell. I took the first step out onto the ice, it was thick and cloudy, obviously full of mud or dirt. This pond was not a clean one, it took me about 5 minutes of hitting the ice with the chisel and hammer before I finally broke through and that’s when it all started. I fell through the ice, it felt like a million pins and needles were forcing their way through my skin. I had never felt pain like this in my life, it hurt even to breath. I didn't know how to swim either and this pond went down a good few feet deeper than I was tall. It was clear I was about to drown, I didn't want to accept that fact and was starting to panic when I noticed something floating a few feet before my eyes.. it was a windshield, with the woman who I had seen nearly perfectly preserved in the chilling water. Her eyes opened, I tried to let out a scream but was instead treated to a mouth full of freezing water. I knew I wasn't going to make it much longer and that’s when I noticed the girl again. She was looking right at me, she reached out, seemingly passing through the thick glass that made up the windshield and grasped my throat tightly. I expected to be strangled to death but instead I immediately felt warm, I could breath and I could even speak! This woman, whoever she was, saved my life… or so I thought. It wasn't till moments later that a man, also seemingly perfectly preserved leaped through the windshield, breaking it into many pieces that floated around me. He came screaming at me, I could tell he wanted me dead. I furiously swung my fists at the woman who was still clutching my throat firmly, each fist impact seemingly doing no harm to the woman in any way. After only a few swings I was tackled in my stomach, the man had hit me with such a force that I had been knocked out of the grasp of the woman. As this happened I could no longer breath nor speak and so I gasped once more. This time, bits of glass came flowing into my opened mouth and down into my throat. I was now drowning, not only in this pond but also in my own blood. The glass caused me to cough and wretch under water but with each attempted gasp more freezing water and glass came flowing in. I was dying, I knew that now, the woman had lead me here so this man could kill me. After what seemed like an eternity I attempted to get one last view of my killers but was treated to another view entirely. Bodies, there had to be at least 30, just floating.. Suspended in perpetual darkness and I was to join them. As I neared my final moments I couldn't help but cry, I had become the victim of some superstitious entities and I was probably never going to be discovered. Forced into a darkness for eternity, preserved perfectly in the chilling waters of that accursed pond.. Edited December 2, 2014 by Monzta 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monzta 8 Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) Info on this story: -took me about 2 hours to finish writing/editing etc. -Based off an actual childhood memory lol -This is actually an alternate ending, the original had a sort of "twist ending" that i thought didn't really suit the whole "Creepy" factor I was trying to go for lol -wrote this about a year or 2 ago? One or the other lol Edited December 2, 2014 by Monzta Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+ randomstranger 60 Posted December 2, 2014 Hello, Thank you for sharing your story. The poll seems to indicate that you're after some feedback. I'm wondering what sort of feedback you're looking for. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monzta 8 Posted December 2, 2014 Hello, Thank you for sharing your story. The poll seems to indicate that you're after some feedback. I'm wondering what sort of feedback you're looking for. Input, Opinions and guidance Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+ randomstranger 60 Posted December 2, 2014 Okay. There are a few technical things to work on (commas and such) but that's all google-able, so: onward!The best thing is that you have a firm idea of what you want your reader to experience (a spooky/scary situation). However, it's currently hard for me to truly feel that as I'm reading. I think it would help to focus much more tightly on the overall experience you're trying to convey: expand on things that contribute towards the overall experience, and cut out things that don't.Example of thing to expand on: the pond. Why is this character so strongly drawn to the pond? I don't know. I'm not automatically interested in the pond, but the main character keeps bringing it up, and I can't relate to him because I don't understand what's so fascinating about it.Example of thing to cut out: the exchange about pancakes. It seems to be establishing that time has passed, but otherwise doesn't contribute anything to the story. The pancakes are not mentioned anywhere else and appear to be a random, unnecessary detail. This muddies the reader's spooky/scary experience.I think the fact that the main character 'fell through' twice is super interesting, maybe you could make more of that? Also, the story is just him and his parents for the most part, then he meets a man and a woman underwater. Is there a connection to be made there?Hope it helps. Good luck! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monzta 8 Posted December 3, 2014 Okay. There are a few technical things to work on (commas and such) but that's all google-able, so: onward! The best thing is that you have a firm idea of what you want your reader to experience (a spooky/scary situation). However, it's currently hard for me to truly feel that as I'm reading. I think it would help to focus much more tightly on the overall experience you're trying to convey: expand on things that contribute towards the overall experience, and cut out things that don't. Example of thing to expand on: the pond. Why is this character so strongly drawn to the pond? I don't know. I'm not automatically interested in the pond, but the main character keeps bringing it up, and I can't relate to him because I don't understand what's so fascinating about it. Example of thing to cut out: the exchange about pancakes. It seems to be establishing that time has passed, but otherwise doesn't contribute anything to the story. The pancakes are not mentioned anywhere else and appear to be a random, unnecessary detail. This muddies the reader's spooky/scary experience. I think the fact that the main character 'fell through' twice is super interesting, maybe you could make more of that? Also, the story is just him and his parents for the most part, then he meets a man and a woman underwater. Is there a connection to be made there? Hope it helps. Good luck! Thanks for the input I'll keep these things in mind while editing as well as creating new content ^^. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OogieBoogie765 12 Posted December 11, 2014 You have some tense issues in this story in one line you wrote"I say to my mother" (present tense) and in the next you wrote "she said" (past tense). In the 2nd paragraph you wrote "it was the dead of winter" (past tense) then you wrote "the year is late 2000" (present tense). There are more tense issues but I am not going to write them all... Other than that great jobXD 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monzta 8 Posted December 12, 2014 You have some tense issues in this story in one line you wrote"I say to my mother" (present tense) and in the next you wrote "she said" (past tense). In the 2nd paragraph you wrote "it was the dead of winter" (past tense) then you wrote "the year is late 2000" (present tense). There are more tense issues but I am not going to write them all... Other than that great jobXD After going through it again I see what you mean lol. I'll have to work on that ^^ Thanks for the input Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
