Story I made. Critique needed. Rough draft

[RaidoFrost 7]

To start off, this story is influenced a lot by Shin Megami Tensei games and sort of adopts its style of story telling. I want to try to keep the story simple, but with some twists and turns. (EDIT: I made a couple of edits, lol)

 

The Astral Plane is the place between reality and the afterlife, accessed by meditating and willing your spiritual body to separate from your physical body. In this modern day, pills have been designed that induce this meditative state, as the process of actual meditation is tough to master and can induce sleep paralysis, cursing the person with scary visions.

 

In this separate plane of existence, many beings live.  People who have claimed to see ghosts simply share a stronger connection to the Astral Plane and can access parts of it without leaving their physical body.

 

On the Astral Plane, one can commune with demons, angels, and God himself. If one ventures too far and too deep into the Astral Plane, they can discover links to heaven, hell and purgatory.

 

The main character has been experiencing sleep paralysis and strange dreams for the past 2 years. The beginning of the game begins with him awaking from one of these dreams. In the dream, being led by a god-like voice, he created three spirit-like vessels that would be under his command; these entities refer to him as their master. He then awakes and after experiencing a horrific sleep paralysis episode, he rises. He recieves a text message from one of his friends, Ivan Kadaffi, asking why the protagonist has not been to a university class in two days.

Not long after he hears a knock at the door, introducing his child-hood friend Maya Sader.

 

Maya expresses her excitement about a book she has finally received in the mail, an occult book titled “En Magusâ€, and how she wants to read it with the main character.

 

Later that day, the main character arrives at Maya’s house and the two read the book.

 

One chapter catches Maya’s eye, a chapter about Astral Projection, along with an ingredient list for the meditative pills. She rummages through the packaging the book came in and finds a tin full of pills. She wants to go to the store to buy all the ingredients. After those errands have been taken care of by the two of them, they go to the university where they find Ivan in one of the labs. They ask Ivan to make the pills and he does. After returning to Maya's home, they both try the pills.

They are hit with a strange sensation, when their eyes open again they are surprised to see their own bodies lying in the bed. They have separated from their physical forms…

 

They explore the neighbourhood, and go into houses to see what people are doing. Maya reminds the protagonist of the many rules that were written in the book and that they cannot touch humans of the physical world.

 

Shortly after, they encounter demons in the street, who take an interest in Maya. As the demons drag her away, and attempt to kill the protagonist, it triggers a memory of the dream he had and the vessels he created in that dream. Each one calls out to him, and the screen flashes back to reality, where his vessels have appeared. With the aid of his vessels he dispatches the demons. At this point the player can allow one of the vessels to absorb the soul of the demons he just defeated. (This soul changing ability is a mechanic in the game).

 

You then begin to search for Maya. This part takes up a good amount of time in the game.

 

Through your travels, you eventually are led to Ivan’s house, inside you see Ivan at his computer.

Also in that room are the demons holding Maya captive. The demons come together to form Lucifer. The player is easily defeated by Lucifer who offers him a deal: if the player touches Ivan, he will let Maya free. If he refuses, he will kill both of them.

 

Here, it is revealed that the protagonist is a descendant of Lucifer (up until then, beings in the Astral Plane had assumed he was a descendant of Christ do to the fact that he was able to summon those vessels to serve him). In actuality, his friend, Ivan Kaddafi is the descendant of Christ. This shakes the protagonist's faith. Now getting back to him touching Ivan...

 

When a person on the Astral Plane touches a person on the Physical Plane, it creates an opening for demonic energy to seep through, and opens both people for possession. This is why it is forbidden to touch physical humans when you are on the Astral Plane.

If the protagonist touchs Ivan, it will allow Lucifer to possess him, and through him take control of Christ.

 

The captive Maya begs the protagonist not to touch Ivan, but he does it anyway to save her.

 

Lucifer sends his energy through Ivan, causing a huge rupture in the Physical Plane. He reveals that he will combine the Astral Plane with the physical plane, because it will “get the creator’s attentionâ€. Ivan will lead a new "holy" crusade, posing as the lord Christ, and ushering in a New World Order in the Physical Plane.

He thanks the protagonist for his actions, as he has unwantedly helped Lucifer in the final stages of his plan. Below is a quote from this part of the game:

 

"As my descendant, my heir, it was your destiny to usher my being into the physical world... and even coupled with your boundless disloyalty, you have served your purpose well! Although you have aided me here, you have caused me disorder in other ways, and for that I am hesitant to forgive you. Your mistress shall stay with me, and a deep scar shall stay with you. Let it teach you to never forget your place again, child."

<He burns a scar onto the protagonists face>

"Prove yourself to me and your sin will be forgotten. Thank you, and goodbye, <Protagonist Name>"

 

Lucifer then knocks the player out and leaves with Maya.

 

The player awakens then begins his journey to save Maya and stop Lucifer from fusing the Physical Plane with the Astral Plane. However, there are now two major events that the protagonist is now involved in. The Astral Plane has Maya, but the Physical Plane has Ivan and his "holy" crusade.

 

In the Physical Plane, the countries around the world will now be focused on and amazed by Ivan Kadaffi, the man who seems to be the second coming of Christ (but is actually a pawn of Lucifer). He will perform miracles like walking on water, healing the sick, and curing cancer. These qualities of a savior will line up with the real Ivan's ideals, as Ivan has always wanted to be a doctor and truly help people.

 

However, that is only the first act of the story. It will delve deep into different subjects and make the player question what they believe in.

 

 

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this, I'm just getting back into VXACE after about a year off from it. Hopefully i can actually get a game made this time through

Edited December 7, 2014 by RaidoFrost

[punchybot 2]

I have questions.

 

Why are those pills made? What is the purpose in your world for them to exist? Who makes those pills? Sounds like a pretty dangerous thing to have just lying around.

 

 

I am not so sure if you should be using Christ and Lucifer in your story, and I am not sure what you have in mind, but I think the MC and the random guy Ivan being descendants is a little much. Like a "yeah, of course they are." If you are stuck on using these figures in these stories, what if you swap these stories around? The MC is Lucifers descendant, and he doesn't want to be. Makes it a little less straight forward. 

 

I am not really getting the whole "you can't touch humans while you're in the Astral Plane" thing. What I am picking up is that you can see the real world while you're in the Astral Plane?

 

Anyway, I think the explanation for that should be this: touching someone in the Astral Plane opens a connection between the two people, but leaves those two people vulnerable for possession, which is why you shouldn't do it - but BOTH people need to participate and both people need to be alive on both planes for it to happen. The reason I am suggesting this is it leaves out people just going around touching people willy nilly and having them explode to oblivion.

 

For my suggestions about the Lucifer/Christ thing, you can easily replace them with a higher up demon and angel kind of deal, leaving these super important characters either out of the picture or introduced later. Or I would also suggest this event happening a lot further into the story. Like, just stick with finding Maya and eventually down the line the descendant thing is revealed.

 

Anyway, just my 2 cents. I think the basic idea is good, but some ideas need more original though, like the Lucifer/Christ thing, which can also be controversial to some people. (Though, it's not like you're selling the game anyway, so who cares.)

[RaidoFrost 7]

I like your idea of having the MC be a descendant of the evil side. I think that would make for a more interesting situation.

 

To answer your question, when you are in the Astral Plane you are basically a ghost to the Physical Plane, no one on the Physical Plane can see you but you can still interact with objects from the physical.

 

The pills were created by occult members. I plan on revealing more about the origin of them further along

[VeNAM 10]

Hmm... one question. Who is this Ivan guy? The player should really learn more about him before you say he's the descendant of Christ or Lucifer..

[RaidoFrost 7]

Hmm... one question. Who is this Ivan guy? The player should really learn more about him before you say he's the descendant of Christ or Lucifer..

 

 

Yeah, I forgot to mention it above but Ivan Kadaffi is a close friend of the main charater. The revealation that he is a descendant of Christ will happen after you learn about him.

[+ Chaosian 617]

Its not too bad, certainly as a first draft it's good - it should just have more definition before you start really getting into it. I rarely have the opportunity to sit down and play RPGs, but if I did with this game, I'd probably want to know where the story was going, depending on the writing. A few notes as I read...

• I belive the word you're looking for is "homage" to Shin Megami Tensei. Nothing 100% original anymore.
• I wonder a bit about pacing, especially with the gameplay. Dependant on the audience you plan on delivering this to, you may not hold onto the player's attention long enough.
• "En Magus" reminds me of "End Magnus" from Baten Kaitos, but that's pretty far away from what you're doing - still though you have to always be aware of what's still floating around in the Zeitgeist. Thank god you didn't call it the "Necronomicon".
• I agree with those above that Ivan should probably be talked about earlier, but it seems you're already on top of this.
• I've heard that descendant of Christ was a popular plot element in the 90s (I wouldn't know), but the way you portray it gives a genuinely fresh taste. My commendations.
• I would be cautious of making the main character the son of Lucifer, it's an exciting premise, but it leads to a lot of tricky execution. While it's decided on the amount of skill you see yourself with as an author, and the audiences you plan on showing the game to, "Son of Lucifer" sets off a lot of my "bad boys", "angsty", and "fan-ficky" gigercounters that detect hazardous materials for any inexperienced author.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Chaosian

[Kayzee 4,032]

I don't know, why is the girl always dragged off and the male main character has to save her? I would rather the other way around for once personally. Though actually, I would avoid the whole abduction angle altogether. Okay okay, maybe it's just my inner rambling SJW talking it's mouth off, and I don't want to be that person. But it just seems a bit of a shame, cause Maya could be an interesting party member... unless the twist is that Maya was actually a demon the whole time.

[RaidoFrost 7]

I don't know, why is the girl always dragged off and the male main character has to save her? I would rather the other way around for once personally. Though actually, I would avoid the whole abduction angle altogether. Okay okay, maybe it's just my inner rambling SJW talking it's mouth off, and I don't want to be that person. But it just seems a bit of a shame, cause Maya could be an interesting party member... unless the twist is that Maya was actually a demon the whole time.

 

Maya being a demon could work in some way or another. As for her being a party member, the thing about this game is that there are no other human character as party members. Only the main character and his three spirit vessels are party members.

 

Basically how the vessels work is, after you defeat a demon in battle, there is a chance for it to drop it's soul. You can have a vessel absorb the soul and then the said vessel can take the form of the demon who's soul it absorbed and learn the skills that come with that soul. So after learning all the skills that come with one soul, you can change to another soul and learn the skills from there while keeping the previous skills. This allows for a good amount of customization.

[Kayzee 4,032]

Hehe sounds kinda neat! Still rather have the option for a female main character at least... Good luck though! *sprinkles fairy dust on you*

[RaidoFrost 7]

Anymore input from anybody? I'm sticking with the religious themes but trying to put a twist on them

[Enneagon 20]

You'd have to be careful with how you construct your mythology. Front-loading all of this information about the Astral Plane would definitely bog things down at the start, but we also need to know about the history of the place before the climax. "Lucifer" and "Christ" mean vastly different things depending on context, so we'd need at least some idea of who they are in this universe. Those are things that could potentially be explored over the course of the story.

 

I've also never been a fan of the "magic book causes problems" storyline. If literally anyone can pick up an ancient tome off the Internet and use its secrets to become a ghost, you'd think supernatural elements would be more common in this world, and the fact that the bringer of the book just happens to be friends with the descendants of Lucifer and Christ is eyebrow-raisingly suspicious. Of course, going by the interpretation that Maya is herself a demon, it makes sense that she alone would have access to this secret and would be orchestrating the whole thing. In any case, make sure that the characters are able to consider the implications of how this situation came about.

[+ Jinumon 29]

First things first. The first act seems too exposition-heavy. There's a concept in story-telling called in medias res, which translates as "in the midst of things." Essentially, it states that you shouldn't start a story from the very beginning but rather the beginning of the action. As is, it sounds like players might not get to their first battle until 20-30 minutes in, maybe even longer. That kind of wait can kill player's enthusiasm really fast. They want to be swept up in the excitement of a story, not taught a history lesson.

 

That aside, the concept shows promise. Personally, I think Religious Fantasy is an underutilized genre, particularly of the Christian variety (why is  Percy Jackson perfectly acceptable but as soon as you say capital-G "God" everyone starts backing away slowly?). Keep in mind that the best stories are simple stories. Even the most seemingly complex tales (that are good) are really just multiple stories layered atop other stores.

 

To illustrate my various points, please consider the following alternate opening.

 

Begin with action. The Main Character is being pursued by strange beasts through a dark landscape. Make a short, but exciting cutscene event where he runs helplessly from whatever is chasing him. He hits a dead end, and three vessels appear before him to defend him. First battle ensues. The Vessels impart some brief, cryptic wisdom before the Main Character wakes in a cold sweated panic, then checks his phone. It's full of text messages asking him where he's been, and he realizes he has slept for two whole days. He calls up his friend Maya, who he unknowingly stood up for an event of some kind (study date, hanging out, etc), and tells her he's been sick, not wanting her to worry. She comes over and brings him a present to cheer him up. It is a tome entitled "En Magus," which she picked up at a local bookstore and figured he would like it, considering he is a religious studies major at university (wink wink). The book also comes with a bottle of pills (perhaps in a secret compartment or false corner?) with a mysterious note/directions attached. Maya wants to try out the "Meditation Pills," but the Main Character is hesitant, as whatever the Vessels told him has him worried. They invite over their mutual friend Ivan, who is a Nursing student (Jesus certainly cared for the sick and was a prolific healer) to supervise her while she sleeps in case of complications. She takes the pills, goes to sleep, and is preyed upon by spiritual attackers that the Main Character can see, even while awake. Again, his Vessels arrive to aid him, and he fights them off. But she is still sleeping, and shows no sign of waking for some time (the pills obviously include at least a partial tranquilizer). The Vessels instruct the Main Character that he must enter Purgatory, the neutral realm between Heaven and Hell where the dead await judgement, where her spirit now resides. There he may be able to wake her. He instructs Ivan to watch over them both, then lays down and goes to sleep, where he wakes in Purgatory to find Maya. This can function as your first "dungeon" of the game, and can really delve into the meat of your mechanics. Purgatory is inhabited by Angels, Demons, and Spirits, and when he finds her, is set upon by an overwhelming hoard of demons. Lucifer appears before him, not hideous, but in an at least partial angelic form (Lucifer was the most beautiful Seraphim before he fell), and tells the Main Character he can help him, but at a price. The Main Character agrees, and is surprised when, instead of slaying the hoard of demons, the "angel" simply calls them off. He reveals his true nature, and that he has somehow tricked the Main Character with the technical terms of their arrangement (Prince of Lies, much? He's a notorious swindler). While he has to save Maya, he doesn't have to give her back, so now he has all the chips, but either through the terms of their agreement, or simply because Lucifer's greatest fault is his Pride, he cannot bring himself to destroy something he created, the Main Character (whether the Main Character is the actual son of Lucifer or merely a person created by him to serve a purpose is up to you). From there you can get into the meat of your story: the Main Character must journey with his Vessels through the realms of Purgatory and the Mortal World to rescue Maya and Ivan from the machinations of the Serpent himself.

 

That ended up being longer than I expected, but, you know.  

 

Happy storytelling,

Jinumon

[RaidoFrost 7]

Begin with action. The Main Character is being pursued by strange beasts through a dark landscape. Make a short, but exciting cutscene event where he runs helplessly from whatever is chasing him. He hits a dead end, and three vessels appear before him to defend him. First battle ensues. The Vessels impart some brief, cryptic wisdom before the Main Character wakes in a cold sweated panic, then checks his phone. It's full of text messages asking him where he's been, and he realizes he has slept for two whole days. He calls up his friend Maya, who he unknowingly stood up for an event of some kind (study date, hanging out, etc), and tells her he's been sick, not wanting her to worry. She comes over and brings him a present to cheer him up. It is a tome entitled "En Magus," which she picked up at a local bookstore and figured he would like it, considering he is a religious studies major at university (wink wink). The book also comes with a bottle of pills (perhaps in a secret compartment or false corner?) with a mysterious note/directions attached. Maya wants to try out the "Meditation Pills," but the Main Character is hesitant, as whatever the Vessels told him has him worried. They invite over their mutual friend Ivan, who is a Nursing student (Jesus certainly cared for the sick and was a prolific healer) to supervise her while she sleeps in case of complications. She takes the pills, goes to sleep, and is preyed upon by spiritual attackers that the Main Character can see, even while awake. Again, his Vessels arrive to aid him, and he fights them off. But she is still sleeping, and shows no sign of waking for some time (the pills obviously include at least a partial tranquilizer). The Vessels instruct the Main Character that he must enter Purgatory, the neutral realm between Heaven and Hell where the dead await judgement, where her spirit now resides. There he may be able to wake her. He instructs Ivan to watch over them both, then lays down and goes to sleep, where he wakes in Purgatory to find Maya. This can function as your first "dungeon" of the game, and can really delve into the meat of your mechanics. Purgatory is inhabited by Angels, Demons, and Spirits, and when he finds her, is set upon by an overwhelming hoard of demons. Lucifer appears before him, not hideous, but in an at least partial angelic form (Lucifer was the most beautiful Seraphim before he fell), and tells the Main Character he can help him, but at a price. The Main Character agrees, and is surprised when, instead of slaying the hoard of demons, the "angel" simply calls them off. He reveals his true nature, and that he has somehow tricked the Main Character with the technical terms of their arrangement (Prince of Lies, much? He's a notorious swindler). While he has to save Maya, he doesn't have to give her back, so now he has all the chips, but either through the terms of their agreement, or simply because Lucifer's greatest fault is his Pride, he cannot bring himself to destroy something he created, the Main Character (whether the Main Character is the actual son of Lucifer or merely a person created by him to serve a purpose is up to you). From there you can get into the meat of your story: the Main Character must journey with his Vessels through the realms of Purgatory and the Mortal World to rescue Maya and Ivan from the machinations of the Serpent himself.

 

That ended up being longer than I expected, but, you know.

 

Happy storytelling,

Jinumon

 

You present some good ideas here that I hadn't considered, specifically about getting the player involved as soon as possible. Only thing I'm wary to do is get rid of the Astral Plane part of it.

 

 

EDIT: Actually.... now that I think about it, using Purgatory instead of a Physical Plane and Astral Plane does make more sense. Going to the Astral Plane, if you research it, is just basically becoming a ghost and floating around the same world as the physical one, which isn't really that interesting to a player. Having Purgatory or w/e as the other world offers a lot more freedom in terms of gameplay and mapping.

 

Thank you for the inspiration and guidance, Jinumon, it will not be in vain.

Edited December 9, 2014 by RaidoFrost

[+ Jinumon 29]

Glad I could help. I think it goes without saying, but feel free to copy, alter, directly plagiarize, or completely disregard any and all of my advice. This is your game, after all.

 

Jinumon

[RaidoFrost 7]

You'd have to be careful with how you construct your mythology. Front-loading all of this information about the Astral Plane would definitely bog things down at the start, but we also need to know about the history of the place before the climax. "Lucifer" and "Christ" mean vastly different things depending on context, so we'd need at least some idea of who they are in this universe. Those are things that could potentially be explored over the course of the story.

 

I've also never been a fan of the "magic book causes problems" storyline. If literally anyone can pick up an ancient tome off the Internet and use its secrets to become a ghost, you'd think supernatural elements would be more common in this world, and the fact that the bringer of the book just happens to be friends with the descendants of Lucifer and Christ is eyebrow-raisingly suspicious. Of course, going by the interpretation that Maya is herself a demon, it makes sense that she alone would have access to this secret and would be orchestrating the whole thing. In any case, make sure that the characters are able to consider the implications of how this situation came about.

Yeah, I guess it goes back to me wanting to make a SMT-esque game where characters happen to be in the right place at the right time (or the wrong place). A strange discovery is made, they have a near death experience, and awaken their powers or whatever else

The way I've constructed the story now... Yes having Maya be a demon would definitely wrap it all together nicely but I don't know if that's route I really want to take with this, at least not in that straightforward of a way

[RaidoFrost 7]

Gonna have to bump again to ask, from a story like this, what style of music do you hear in it?

 

 

I'm trying to put together a suitable soundtrack for battles and such 

[+ Jinumon 29]

I'd go with the sort of dark Neo-Gospel a la "Duel of Fates" or "One-Winged Angel." I don't know if that's really possible using VXAce, but, ideally, I think it would fit.

 

Jinumon