nallnaom 3 Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) https://www.dropbox.com/s/fdawt2s3jjcmbe1/DEMO-DRAFT.docx?dl=0 Hello people, So this was my first piece of writing for a demo game I never finished. It's in hiatus as I don't have the art in me anymore, nor the nerves, but maybe sometime in the future. The story is set in a post apocaliptic world, centered around 4 characters. It's about 23 pages long, and though back then I tried to avoid typical cliches It seems I hit a couple. If you are a fan of the dark fantasy, you might enjoy this. Else well, feel free to piss over it Edited October 14, 2015 by nallnaom 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+ Chaosian 617 Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) I dig me some post apocalyptic, so I might check this out later this evening. I better come back depressed and angsty. 23 seems kinda long, but I dunno, I'll still give it a shot. Edited October 9, 2015 by Chaosian Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nallnaom 3 Posted October 9, 2015 Heh, dude your bad review is one I'm waiting for. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+ Chaosian 617 Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Right so, took me three hours but I managed to read through it, get some notes, and make this post - but I think it's worth it. Generally, good. In chronic need of some editing (I've provided a large list of my notes below), and another draft down the road would do this good, but as is, it's in a good spot. This writing style is quite similar to my own a few years ago, perhaps still is, I haven't written in a while - and as a result, was kinda surreal for me to read. So let me talk about the good first, because as I said, generally, good.I think far and away the best part of this is some of the lines of dialogue you wrote. "She simply describes herself as a survivor", "I wonder if her thighs are as hot as her head!", "It's not about anymore, old man, but about forever!". This is great, top-tier stuff. I might... just have to steal it... ... I mean uh-... I loved the character of the ranger, and her arc towards the end. Of anyone, she was really the one I wanted to see make it through everything alright, though I never had much doubt that things would turn out for the best in the end. As a band, they're pretty well rounded out. Aside from some angst, don't have much overlap. I'd be interested in seeing where these characters went in the future, what kinds of things would happen to them, and how they'd change as a result - but I think only in a polished form. Segwaying me into... The bad...First and foremost: do a bit of editing. This was rough, and really only passes as a first draft. Some of this read a bit like either you were writing at 2AM, or English isn't your native language. The writing process sometimes needs to go completely unfettered and words just need to be put down on the page so the next ones can come out, but when this gets posted for critique, it should at least go through a grammar and punctuation check. Tonally there was some roughness, typical of a first draft, I guess. I'll also comment that while the scenario is pretty dire, it never really came off as what I'd call post-apocalyptic. It was all pretty light, with jokes, and bad guys made of concentrated evilanium. There were some pretty honest attempts at muddling things, especially with survivor behavior, but that could really be pushed up to 11 to help paint the sometimes confusingly illustrated world. It's not just the world either. Characters had one-off lines that sometimes didn't really jell with either their personality or archetypes, and could be edited to for a bit more consistency. Some of the writing, while far from ever being meaningless, or even pretentious, was pretty on the nose. This is mostly confined to the first paragraph of all things. Other than that though, there were no big stand-out flaws, and by far, nothing that cripples this writing. Just more passes, more refinement, and a bit more attention is needed. So yeah, keep at it. Keep the character, or save them for expies, and you could go somewhere with this. Don't stop writing. -----EDITING NOTES, Probably not really for anyone else to read, it's mostly technical stuff. Grammar fixes and whatnot, but also a few considerations I came up with. Some pretty obvious trouble with framing right from the first sentence, it reads very much for the audience, and not for anyone in the universe. Granted, I will admit it's hard to contrive reasons for the narrative to be conveyed as written text – but unless that's by far your favorite type of narrative, video games are better suited for other methods. The only time I've seen this kind of narration work well was the Metro 2033 video game. At either rate, it's odd to spend so much time with people before the “protagonist†(read: narrator) is actually introduced into the story. If it's portrayed in this manner, the protagonist will likely have their role supplanted by the ranger. The one who still hasn't been able to get used to the world nowadays. Sentence fragment. There's a pretty considerable problem with sentence fragmentation. Make sure as many sentences as you can bear have subjects and actions. Some stilted thoughts at times – the exposition is heavy handed, mostly at the start. There are moments that draw themes and feelings, but they aren't seamless in the characterization. I've heard the complaint before, “nobody talks like thisâ€, and I felt like that a few times here. Names off classes makes it read a bit closer to something out of DnD than might have been intended. Frequent punctuation mistake with the capitalization of “It'sâ€. Also investigate the distinctions between “it's†and “itsâ€. It sucks, I hate the rule myself. Ranger is shouting a lot in the first dialogue. A lot of shouting through-out the piece. an area where you seem a dull blade. An awesome fantasy analogy. Is that your way of begging for help. Punctuation should be question mark. A good line though. It took me a bit for it to irk me, but is the wolf enchanted / magical? It seems to understand speech better than Air Bud. I'm glad you're writing with gameplay in mind. And since you care so "much". Odd emphasis. You consumed my ailments! Context? Ailment has a more common definition that might mean the opposite to what you think. the man was light in body so it was easy to carry him. Almost phrased like a stat, +5 to Body. Maybe just “lightweight†would be better. Funny how easy and how many resources you win when people take lives, and how cumbersome and how many are spent in trying to save one. Repeated use of the word “andâ€. So, your and your companion, you live in the forest? Minor spelling / grammatical mistake. tread carefully or I'll leave you in the first hole. Should be expanded or reduced to “In the first hole I seeâ€, or “in a holeâ€. Or maybe it's that time... I don't understand this line, maybe expand? Regnum Fancy, but doesn't fit with the rest of these character's vernacular. Push it more, or pull it back. Absolutely brutally contrasts with the "cuz" later in the story. All you did right now is just rephrase everything I said in the form of an excuse for our pitiful race. This is a good line. As with “Andâ€, be wary of starting sentences with “Butâ€. It's quite rare to see this actually happen correctly, as “but†is a word that connects two ideas together – and a period being the end to an idea. Even then, it's easily replaced with other words to mix things up. I'm partial to “howeverâ€. It is your limited understanding that doesn’t let you see that not just humanity is imperfect and even more that perfection is nothing more but an illusion that we, as a race have called upon ourselves. Consider rewriting this sentence. It needs commas, or something, but there's too much in this sentence for just one comma. Consider full rewording. The ranger seems to have a personality shift from someone who likes to be alone with their thoughts, to someone who is angered by “too much thinkingâ€. It portrays the character as hypocritical, or at least, unnecessarily caustic. And with that good night. Could use a comma. As much as she was patronizing him while in the forest on the road he said she was pensive and ignoring him almost on purpose. Pretty brutal telling, rather than showing. If you don't want to show the area in the story where this happens though, it's more acceptable. She simply describes herself as a survivor Another good line. Could use a period at the end though. I like the alchemist's first line. It gives a good sense of character right away. Look you don't hurt anyone by scavenging. Could use a comma. excellent canine group C specimen, good constitution bodied old male and young strong female. This sentence does better without commas for the monk and ranger, actually. “Young strong female†gives a good sense of being deranged over, “young, strong, female.†Move one step close, you perverted creep and ill either put an arrow through your skull or bash your brains out. Good line. A few errors. “One step closer you perverted creep, and I'll either put an arrow...†He's said energy emanation (Needs a period.) No he didn't..? Nothing out of these times ordinary. Reword. The following sentences can't decide if they're in past or present tense. An infinity of possibilities. Awkward. Maybe keep it because of that. "He was old and strong enough by the time we got to the entrance." she said. See common standards for dialogue. I've never seen double periods used before. bravery will get him killed in this time. A bit awkward. I did, but I was also told there are survivors trapped here! A little odd, seeing as he was surprised to see corpses earlier. You do realize you were alone and besides that old, right? Rephrase or restructure. I know you are worried about him but I don't want to die for him or risk losing you! ...So when's the dog going to die? Suffering from some serious jumps in the story. When did the alchemist jump back in? 'The hell is everyone talking about on page 9? Why were they split up to begin with? Careful another cave-in Needs period, a comma wouldn't hurt either. The written dialogue never establishes some pretty key things. The healer is blind? Turns around! Don't call me child and don't you dare talk to me about gods. I cannot even remember since we got trapped here. Well that escalated quickly. Also, “turns around!â€? How do you know! Wrong punctuation. That is before ranger almost killed them if monk hadn't intervened. Some of these sentences are getting awkward to the point of narm. Commas really go a long way. I would've loved to see that scene. First row seats!" the alchemist says each time that story comes up. Missing leading quotation, probably “front row seat†is what you meant. Also seems a bit out of character for the alchemist. I wonder if her thighs are as hot as her head! I absolutely love this villainous quip. It's not about anymore, old man, but about forever! This is a genuinely awesome line, the best yet. Look. kid! I don't care how weak they are or how helpless are you cuz you are blind! Everyone shouts a lot. It's difficult to make 10 feel impactful when everyone's always at 9. Why is the healer the hero? The ranger is by far the most interesting character. How did you do that! Technique for subduing a foe without harm. Sentence fragment. a couple of days ago and I escorted me all the way here! Incorrect subjects? infested area of demons. Should probably be “infested with demonsâ€. Also, how did he know that? Why help strangers who just threatened to rape and eat your friends? So much for not looking to hurt anyone. RANGER: Someone tell me how we got here!(Wolf barks)RANGER: I see!MONK and HEALER: ...Gold. I'm not entirely following why the party is still together. The monk and healer kinda have a common altruistic goal, sure, but is the alchemist still around? If so, why? The ranger seems intensely disinterested in everyone else, and if her whole motivation is that she wants to survive and protect the Wolf, it seems she would gladly disappoint it if continuing meant hanging around with demons, rapists, cannibals, and otherwise, your friends that would gladly beat you up. while in others... well, like a rational being. Not entirely sure what this is saying. How much it lasted though... Sentence fragment. It's really odd to see a conversation between two people when one's called John, and the other is called Healer. Can the player name the healer..? Healer's age is never established, but I had perceived him as something around 30. Then 20. And eventually something like 15. It'd be better with actual visuals, but it's hard to tell just from the dialogue. My, my such a waste of life! These could've proven good test subjects! Okay, now I like ranger AND alchemist. He's kinda ill-defined as awkward and a bit of a magnificent bastard though. Milady, I’m afraid all of your friends are dead! I couldn't make it in time! Wait. Healer's female? For some reason I was imagining a male nurse this whole time. That or alchemist REALLY is a magnificent bastard. They allow you to take control of the matter around you and bending it the way you wish! A bit close to jumping the shark here. Are you certain! Needs a question mark. If everyone's still constantly shouting, you can have “?!â€. I’m not gonna be anyone's puppet again! Context? Big guy! Something better could probably be put here. These characters have powers that don't really seem to be ever explained. The last survivors were sacrificed to this thing before I got to them! I'm sorry! This seems out of character. The next line however seems right. I'm never gonna tell them. A bit informal. Out of character for ranger hand over ownership of wolf. no company pollution wait… this whole thing wasn't like… modern was it..? I kinda like ranger's arc, it was done very well from the dialogue. At no point could I say in which she started to care for the others, but by the end, it's handled well and quite evident she's as devoted to – at least monk – as she was to wolf. I get that you're trying to have a set up for sequels, but the denouement goes on for a long time after the climax. Sorry physical strain is not really for me! Could use a comma. Although this might help Needs period. ----- Edited October 9, 2015 by Chaosian Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nallnaom 3 Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) Late reply cuz of real world problems! Damn First I wanted to never touch this, just to keep it around for laughs and that's it, but seeing the effort you put in the feedback, I spent this whole night rewriting it based on your notes man. Good observations. Also: - I am writing only at 2 AM and I'm not English, I'm what you might call an European Drunk-Jack. - I never really was one for archtypes or one type personality for my characters, - the writting style with those narration that you commented about. It's like that for a reason. Silimar to Metro but a little different. - HEALER character is a girl and 17 - Actually what I was trying to pull was to make the whole party protagonists - Bitch, Air Bud is zero compared to my WOLF. I have reasons why he seems more humane than animal, but it is still a secret It was mostly easy to write the lines for the Alchemist and Ranger, but I got brain farts each time I was writing lines for the HEALER and MONK. For some reason I just can't portray an innocent girl or a good religious person without thinking of stereotypes or making it sound as a joke.If I am to compare what I would want them to be like, I'd say the MONK would be an understanding idealistic fellow with slipups. As for the HEALER, I'm trying to portray her as Beth Greene's character in the fourth season of the Walking Dead. At least something close to that. Anwyay's I'll PM you as soon as I finish the second edit. AND: PROJECT OUT OF HIATUS (DAMN IT) Edited October 14, 2015 by nallnaom Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
