When I was your age...

[Tarq 746]

When I was a lad there was no movement! Everywhere you cast your eye was a still image. Assuming you could cast your eye, mind you, what with no movement and all. Yessir, moving! We really got that one right.

[lonequeso 1,921]

When I was your age, moving was all the rage. Things were going just fine until those damn hippies started showin' up. The never moved much to begin with. They just sat around in drum circles. We thought, "What's the harm? They're not hurtin' no one."

Boy, were we ever wrong. Those hippies had some amazing drugs. They were also incredibly addicting. I don't know what they had, but there were no weekend warriors. Either you were completely clean or hopelessly addicted. More and more people started to transform into hippies just so they could get their hands on those delicious drugs... er... not that I'd know anything about that. heh heh... Not me. No sir ree bob.... The second hand smoke from all the hippies began to form clouds of smog. Everyone that inhaled it became an addict and son after, a hippie themselves. It even affected the plants and wildlife. Before long the entire planet was blanketed in addictive smog. Everyone, every person, plant and animal stopped movin' Soon after even the Earth itself stopped. We called it the Quickening. We thought we were all doomed by the Quickening, and we could do nothing but stare blankly, frozen still just waiting to die. Luckily, whatever that stuff was began to transform in the upper atmosphere. It transformed into what you kids call "ozone" Gradually, more and more smoke was pulled into this layer of "ozone". The planet began to spin again, albeit slowly. Everyone and everything moved like slugs for a bit, but eventually we got back up to the right speed. The drug was outlawed and all research of it was destroyed. Hippies were banned. Anyone caught or even under suspicion of hippiedom was burned alive at the stake. We called it the Great Freezing.

 

And that, kids is why there's an ozone layer today. Back in our day, we didn't need no fancy schmacy cloud to protect us from radiation. We drank it up like water. I swear, you kids today are hopeless. Can't even survive being constantly bombarded with radiation. If I had things went my way we'd all....  zzz...   zzz....

[Tarq 746]

Back in my day we had no 'z's. Nossir. We did the alphabet properly! Called a 'z' what it was; a backwards 's'. You young'uns and your political correctness, you make me sick. Sick with a good honest 's', mind you, a working man's 's'. The kind of 's' you could take to a nice dinner and, if you're lucky, slide your arm around her waist. See? That's what this generation lacks. You're all sex and hiphop and  'z's. Back in my day we had no 'z's. Nossir. We did the alphabet properly! Called a 'z' what it was; a backwards 's'. You young'uns and your political correctness, you make me sick. Sick with a good honest 's', mind you, a working man's 's'. The kind of 's' you could take to a nice dinner and, if you're lucky, slide your arm around her waist. See? That's what this generation lacks. You're all sex and hiphop and  'z's. Back in my daywe had no 'z's. Nossir. We did the alphabet properly! Called a 'z' what it was; a backwards 's'. You young'uns and your political correctness, you make me sick. Sick with a good honest 's', mind you, a working man's 's'. The kind of 's' you could take to a nice dinner and, if you're lucky, slide your arm around her waist. See? That's what this generation lacks. You're all sex and hiphop and  'z's. Back in my daywe had no 'z's. Nossir. We did the alphabet properly! Called a 'z' what it was; a backwards 's'. You young'uns and your political correctness, you make me sick. Sick with a good honest 's', mind you, a working man's 's'. The kind of 's' you could take to a nice dinner and, if you're lucky, slide your arm around her waist. See? That's what this generation lacks. You're all sex and hiphop and  'z's. Back in my daywe had no 'z's. Nossir. We did the alphabet properly! Called a 'z' what it was; a backwards 's'. You young'uns and your political correctness, you make me sick. Sick with a good honest 's', mind you, a working man's 's'. The kind of 's' you could take to a nice dinner and, if you're lucky, slide your arm around her waist. See? That's what this generation lacks. You're all sex and hiphop and  'z's.

Back in my day...

[Skysagi 219]

Back in my day we didn't write huge texts.

[Saeryen 299]

Back in my day we didn't write text at all! Pens hadn't been invented yet, so we had to yell really loudly if we wanted to contact someone who was far away.

[lonequeso 1,921]

Back in my day, yelling was illegal. First they banned alcohol with Prohibition. Everyone yelled and complained about it so they decided to ban yelling, too. Ya heard of speakeasies, right? Well, we also had yelleasies. They were secret bars fitted with soundproof glass. We could whoop and holler all we wanted. Al Capone loved the yelleasies since you couldn't hear gunfire if ya were outside. He took out many of his enemies in those yelleasies boy I tell ya. Without them, he might not have attained so such power, and the government may not of had to making drinking and yelling legal again. Capone was a national hero consarnit!

[Tarq 746]

Back in my day we didn't have no namby-pamby 'laws'; You could either break a man's jaw or you couldn't.

Laws were made by lawyers who were built by the Commies. You a traitor, son?

[Skysagi 219]

Back in my days, there were no traitors, because everyone was one.

[Squires 35]

Back in mah days, everyone was two!

[lonequeso 1,921]

When I was your  age, everyone was three numbers weren't invented yet and we got along just fine. You kids today are so spoiled with yer "Dewey Decimal System". More like Dopey. . . dumb.  . . system.... And all that new-newfangled Algebra and whatnot.  If I had a nickel for every time one of you punk kids tried solving problems with numbers instead of letters, I'd have a huge ol' pile o' nickles. That's the term we used to use for one million. Now get the hell off my lawn!

Edited December 1, 2015 by lonequeso

[Saeryen 299]

When I was your age, we couldn't tell anyone to get off our lawns, because grass was sticky! Anyone who stepped on it got so stuck you had to call the local un-stuck company. Let me tell you, it cost about $100 to get yourself un-stuck.

[Pikashockz 4]

Back in my day kiddo, we didn't have these young whippersnappers runnin' round runnin' a "local un-stuck company." We had to burn the grass off their feet and get 'em free ourselves.

[Squires 35]

Back in my day, there was no such thing as fire! 

[HeckHound 61]

Back in my day, we didn't even have fire to do that. We had to use rocks to dig at the ground around their feet to free them. That left them with what we call 'turf soles' for the rest of their lives.

[Squires 35]

Back in my lad's benarnigans, we didn't even have a ground to dig at. We all floated (I think that's right xD) in the air!

[Tarq 746]

Back when I was boy we didn't have none of that fancy newfangled air. If you wanted to breathe you had to do it the right way! You had to sweat your oxygen with good old-fashioned elbow grease. Grease by the pounds, boy! Grease by the pounds! You worked or you died. Boys were men back in those days. And men were men squared!

[Pikashockz 4]

Back in my day, floating was impossible. Earth's gravity caused a quantum reaction to hit absolute zero, preventing survival and acceleration. We didn't even live on the Earth!

[Squires 35]

Back in my day, we didn't have information on other plants to go off of! We just stayed in our homes and became dumb! But wait, why am I here then?

[lonequeso 1,921]

When I was your age all our homes were destroyed by an invasion of giant rabbits. Normally, rabbits-even giant ones- are vegetarians. But when they began running out of their favorite and most abundant food source, knife roots-that's what we called carrots back then- they adapted. It all started when this one jackass named Elmer Fudd tried to go giant rabbit hunting. It was't even rabbit season! He was a terrible hunter to begin with. He couldn't even take out an anthropomorphic bunny despite the fact he had him at gunpoint on multiple occasions. Anyway, the idiot got himself injured during his illegal giant rabbit hunt. Well, one of them rabbits must have been curious and licked the blood. Then he must've told all the other rabbits that it tasted pretty good. So the giant rabbits got a taste for human blood, and before you can say" Elmer Fudd is a jackass", they were upon us. And we didn't have Goku or Chuck Norris or anybody to help us back then. You kids and you''re superheroes. You don't know how good you have it! In my day if a villain was threatening to take over the world you had to kill him yourself with nothing but a pitchfork or a shovel or something. Anyway to make a long story short, the only hero we had was Quail Man. Dumb kid didn't even have any powers. He lasted all about five seconds. Non-violent resolution my ass! It wasn't long before the rabbits had taken over the entire eastern seaboard and were quickly advancing towards the Midwest. It was just like that movie, "Red Dawn" , but with rabbits. Good thing the Red's didn't catch wind of this or we would have been screwed, Finally, some egghead in Washington, well Toledo-. DC was evacuated and relocated there. Good riddance I say. Those idiots had it coming! Prohibition  my ass! Nothing but a bunch of morons there. Except this one egghead who was smart enough to get the hell out of dodge before it was too late. Well to make a long story short this guy....what was name.... oh right! Albert Einstein! He was working on some crackpot relativity theory. Everyone laughed at him, but it turns out the sunovabitch was right! Not only that, he used that theory to build a time machine. So, he and a few other eggheads went back in time to solve the problem before it started. That's how time travel works, ya know, Ya go into the past and change something, and TA DA! It effects instantly alter the present. Multiverse theory my ass! The original plan was to kill that idiot, Elmer Fudd before he could go hunting, but they decided to stop the problem at it's source. They grew field after field of knife roots and made sure no famine would kill them. They genetically altered them, too. They even went as far to make them lethal to giant rabbits. From there, all the giant rabbits did the work for us. They bee lined for those fields and did themselves in. Now they didn't kill off all of them, mind you. They kept some, and through some crazy cross breeding-which didn't take long now seeing as how fast rabbits reproduce- created the smaller versions you see today. That's why all the rabbits you see today are small and harmless.

Edited December 8, 2015 by lonequeso

[Ragnos 122]

Back in my day you had to earn extra content, not pay for it. 

[lonequeso 1,921]

When I was your age, we didn't have any extra content at all. Any surplus of content went to the war effort.

[Skysagi 219]

When I was your age, there was no content at all. We were still creating everything.

[lonequeso 1,921]

That's because when I was your age all the content was lost in a great cataclysm. We were going to create more, but we decided that was too much work so we let your generation do it for us. Serves ya right, ya punks! And get a haricut!

[AzureBurstKing 72]

back in my day... everyone is a monkey! except for me sleeping in a coffin...

[lonequeso 1,921]

When I was your age we didn't have coffins. You see, the Kaiser began hiring vampires as mercenaries. Boy I tell ya, those things are damn near impossible to kill without silver and we were dangerously low. So we did something you whippersnappers seemed to forget all about. We improvised. We couldn't just ask Surrey to make the vampires go away like you kids and your smartphones today. How'd we stop the vampires? Well ask yourself, sonny, where do vampires sleep. In coffins. So we had all the nations coffins destroyed and used the wood for building and gunsmithing material. Every time we advanced on the Kaiser's troops we made sure to find and bust every coffin in a three mile radius. Showed dem bloodsuckers who's boss boy I tell ya.