Poem/Song Thing

[Kayzee 4,032]

So here is something I was working on, mostly for the express purpose of playing around with meter.
 

 

Her you see, Sleeping in the stars,
Shining free, Watching from afar.
Her face glows, At night shows, Madness grows,
She sees who you are.
 
Her you feel, Burning in the sky,
Restless zeal, Judging from on high.
Need her might, Far too bright, Flee from sight,
She shows all your lies.
 
Her you taste, Underneath your feet,
Needs no haste, With you she will treat.
Food she lends, Her you tend, In the end,
Give back all you eat.
 
Her you smell, Crashing on the shore,
Endless well, Surface to the floor.
Secrets kept, In her depth, things that slept,
Names are told no more.
 
Her you hear, Clatter in the air,
Love or fear, Her voice will be fair.
All around, Know the sound, Grin or frown,
I will see you there.

 

I had a little tune to go with it but I kinda lost it trying to figure out what the notes where? I should have recorded me singing it to help I guess? I think the meter of the tune was intended to be something like:

 

♩♩♩ ♫♩♫ (rest)

♩♩♩ ♫♩♫ (rest)

♩♩♩ ♩♩♩ ♩♩♩

♫♩♫ (rest)

 

7+7+9+4/4? Okay maybe it wasn't that?

 

I donno what do you guys think? Does this work as a good poem/song?

 

Edit: Rest symbols don't work here... oh well.

Edited April 30, 2017 by KilloZapit

[Vox Dia 19]

I think it's a spot-on eye on the human conscience and psyche during the transcendence to the higher plane on existance beyond the human perception and that the mortality of man is what prevents this ascension.

 

Overall, good stuff.

 

Questioning my existance/10

[Kayzee 4,032]

Was intended to be a silly fantasy folk song type of thing, but okay. :3

[lonequeso 1,921]

Yeah, transcendence isn't really what jumps out at me. More like a benevolent guiding spirit or the memory of a loved one. 

[Kayzee 4,032]

Wow... Are you okay loney? That's actually a thoughtful and sweet thing to say! No silly sarcasm at all! You are making me blush! (*/ω＼*)

 

*gives loney a big 'o hug* Thanks...

Edited May 5, 2017 by KilloZapit

[lonequeso 1,921]

Were you going for that or were you just stringing pretty words together? 

[Kayzee 4,032]

Sorta? It's more talking about about poetic personifications of cosmic forces of nature. Think of it like each stanza is about a 'goddess', each with a corresponding sense. See if you can figure out exactly what they are.

Edited May 5, 2017 by KilloZapit

[lonequeso 1,921]

In other words, pretty much what I said before 

I like it because it's vague enough to be subject to multiple interpretations. It would be a fun local experiment to survey people on their religious/spiritual views and then have them interpret the poem in their own words. I'm curious to how many people's interpretations would fit into their belief system. 

It doesn't fit into mine because my belief system is not having a belief system. Make a pro atheism poem and I'll be like "Hell yeah!" 

[Kayzee 4,032]

It's not really that vague once you get the references I am using I think, but I don't oppose interpreting it in different ways. I kinda wrote it as more like a riddle though. Things that are commonly worshiped in all sorts of different cultures, but they are all real things that actually exist and people interact with every day (well maybe not the forth directly unless you live near it). Though the last isn't exactly worshiped... my intention behind the last one probably comes closest to what you might like. :3

Edited May 5, 2017 by KilloZapit

[lonequeso 1,921]

I'm not really a fan of analyzing art like that. It loses it's wonder.  Like a magician reveling his secrets. How the piece makes you feel is what really makes it special.

Edited May 6, 2017 by lonequeso

[Kayzee 4,032]

To me learning the moves doesn't ruin the dance, it enhances it. But I see your point. I am glad you like it anyway!