"Sci-Fi Persona Tactics" (The Code of Confluent Destinies, Seeking Collaborators)

[+ Novem 344]

So I'm going to be up front with my motivations here and say that 99 percent of the reason I'm making this post is to see if anyone's interested in working with me on this project. I've had success in that area by sharing my ideas before, so I'm going to do it once again. If you're interested in working with me on this project, send me a PM. I'm looking for collaborators of any skill type (who are experienced at their craft) merely because working on a team project is fun, and I'm willing to change just about anything in order to facilitate that process because working solo is boring. I'm still open to feedback on my ideas of course, so if you have anything you'd like to say in that area, please feel free to share!

 

This project will be non-commercial and for fun, but I'm open to doing more than that if any others desire to work together in a commercial capacity & assuming we have the resources to turn around a quality product.

 

By the way, this post will contain enormous spoilers in the narrative section, so if you have no interest in working on the project but maybe still want to play it when and if it does release, you will want to avoid clicking the last spoiler in this post. If you decide to reply to give feedback, I would also really appreciate if you spoiler tag any narrative details which I reveal here.

 

Now, moving on...

 

Project (Working Title): The Code of Confluent Destinies

 

BASIC OVERVIEW

 - Story focused, party-based, tactical RPG in the vein of Fire Emblem.

 - Time management driven High School life balanced with dungeons that all have a time limit within which they must be completed to advance the story.

 - Defined character male protagonist with dialogue options and three romance options.

 - Mostly self-contained, linear narrative within an extremely well-developed setting that is left open for an already planned sequel (while this stands on it's own, thematically it's meant as the first entry in a trilogy, I'm already halfway through writing a novel that ties into the second and third entry).

 

INSPIRATIONS (if you're curious)

- Code Lyoko for much of the basic idea for the premise and many plot details.

- Muv-Luv for many of the ideas on how to approach worldbuilding and story structure. It also provided a whole lot of direct plot inspiration for the sequels.

- Persona for the high school/time management structure of the game, as well as for how to structure my skill list.

- Basically every tactical strategy RPG I've ever played strategy combat.

- Trails in the Sky, which provided the idea for Overrides (called Crafts in that game) and how to balance them (Cold Steel also provides a bad example...). Also it's Orbment system will probably end up inspiring how I design my gear.

 

COMBAT & DUNGEON CRAWLING

Relevant Note: This game is set in the 2050's and involves the player exploring systems through a mental interface that allows party members to enter a digital world.

 

- Turn-Based Tactical Combat: Combat is grid based where the player's party and enemy characters will take turns attacking. There are three active combatant characters for your party that are supported by one passive character (referred to as an "Operator") that can use a supportive ability referred to as a "Program" once per turn. Active party members can be swapped out with reserve party members during any one of their turns, resulting in a cooldown period before the switched out character can be returned to combat. Combat heavily revolves around striking weaknesses, with thirteen different damage types (3 which can come from weapons, and 10 which come from mostly other sources). Striking a weakness will inflict the "Vulnerable" State until the target's next turn, amplifying all damage against them by 25%.

Significant Plugins (as in, the ones I find worth mentioning):

Lecodes' LeTBS:  https://lecodemv.github.io/leTBS/

Yanfly's Actor Party Switch: http://yanfly.moe/2016/06/17/yep-108-actor-party-switch-rpg-maker-mv/

Lunatic Pack - Skill Rewards: http://yanfly.moe/2017/11/03/yep-155-lunatic-pack-skill-rewards-rpg-maker-mv/

 

- Dungeon Crawling: Progression is done through dungeon crawling which can be accessed on most days during the player's free time periods. This works much like the Persona series, where the player will explore a dungeon with light puzzle elements, encountering (and avoiding) enemies along the way. Enemy encounters will only respawn should the player decide to leave the dungeon and take place on separate, specialized combat maps. The player will be able to discover "weak points" on each dungeon floor which function as safe rooms where the player can access special consumables, converse with party members about their current progress, and teleport between them all freely (allowing them to resume dungeon crawling from any particular point). They can also find loot in the form of Data Caches (chests) that can contain substantial narrative documents (that can produce interactions with party members), consumable items, or gear, and defeating enemies will reward the player with the "Bits" currency which can be used for crafting. As far as the ultimate goal, dungeons are progressed through by finding "Server Bridges" that let the player change floors, and then ultimately entering a "Boss" encounter, which is a large-scale puzzle-focused encounter that will only rarely focus on defeating a singular enemy. Upon completing the dungeon, the player is able to freely return in order to grind and find things they might have missed on previous occasions (there may be exceptions for narrative reasons).

Significant Plugins:

Yanfly Event Chase Player: http://yanfly.moe/2015/10/21/yep-20-event-chase-player/

 

- Operations: All party members have access to abilities which are called "Operations", which are executable skills that can deal damage, apply buffs or debuffs, heal, etc. Operations must be equipped to a character before they begin dungeon crawling, and in order to be equipped they must first be crafted or discovered by the player.  Each party members has a limited number of slots, and this number can only be increased by deepening their relationship with the player character. (IE, increasing "Synchronization"). Operations require a channeling period before firing, where the caster is rendered idle for (usually) one turn before the Operation's use. Operations also require Load Capacity for use, which is a limited resource for each character with few methods for restoration other than leaving the dungeon and returning at a later date. Different abilities consume different "levels" of Load Capacity.

Significant Plugins:

Yanfly Equip Battle Skills: http://yanfly.moe/2016/04/08/yep-90-equip-battle-skills-rpg-maker-mv/

Victor's MP Levels: https://victorenginescripts.wordpress.com/rpg-maker-mv/mp-levels/

 

- Overrides: All party members also have access to abilities called "Overrides", which are executable skills for combat much like Operations. These are unique to each party character and are not required to be equipped. Also, instead of required "Load Capacity" to be casted, they instead consume "Override Points" which are generated during combat by individual characters and whose value is reset to zero at the conclusion of combat. Operations, attacks, and other Overrides can all generate Override Points. But there will also be OP Modes that will generate OP through other means. Overrides are unlocked by level. OP modes are unlocked through Synchronization.

Significant Plugins:

Yanfly Enhanced TP: http://yanfly.moe/2016/01/08/yep-55-enhanced-tp/

 

- Gear: Gear is split between weapons and armors. While weapons are restricted on a character-by-character basis (each party member can access a single melee weapon type and a single ranged weapon type, with some exceptions), armors can be equipped to any character and come with a large variety of powerful bonuses and drawbacks to be used to modify a characters base statistics and change their role/handling. Weapons also all handle uniquely and are good at different things, both between weapon types and weapons within an individual type. For example, Javelins are a weapon type with the unique ability to knock back the target on hit. And while a "Piercing Javelin" can do this to all targets in a straight line with mediocre speed, range, and damage, a "One-Ton Javelin" can knock back a target three spaces with high damage, mediocre range, and low speed. Weapons can also be modified through augmentations which change their handling even further. Also, there are only a small number of weapons, and they can all be used throughout the game should the player choose by consistently upgrading their "Class" (F- through S+) augmentation which determines their damage values.

Note: The speed of a weapon determines the delay before the user can take their next turn after attacking.

Significant Plugins:

Yanfly Attachable Augments: http://yanfly.moe/2016/04/15/yep-92-attachable-augments-rpg-maker-mv/

 

- Stats: Each character has unique base stats, equipment tweaks them. Since stats are different from other RPG Maker games, I will put them within a spoiler directly under this for you, so as not too disrupt the flow of the overall post.

Significant Plugins:

Yanfly Base Parameter Control: http://yanfly.moe/2016/03/25/yep-86-base-parameter-control/

Yanfly Class Base Parameters: http://yanfly.moe/2016/04/24/yep-95-class-base-parameters/

Yanfly Extra Parameter Formula: http://yanfly.moe/2016/02/12/yep-69-extra-parameter-formula/

Yanfly Special Parameter Formula: http://yanfly.moe/2016/03/04/yep-78-special-param-formula-rpg-maker-mv/

 

Spoiler

Determination/+Damage
People with a strong will and strong convictions can hit harder, just as they are more capable of convincing others in the real world.

 

Knowledge/+Ability Uses +OP Charge Rate
Those with a greater depth of knowledge can use more abilities more often, just like they have access to a greater pool of facts in the real world.

 

Insight/+Crit +Recovery Effect
Those who are good at reading and understanding others can critically strike and outwit attempts to avoid attacks, as well as better processing heals for greater benefits.
 

Confidence/+Defense

Those who can shrug off the opinions of others due to their faith in themselves in real life can also better shrug off damage.
 

Compassion/+Healing +Pharmacology +Guard Effect

The ability to bear the burdens of others among their own concerns in real life fosters also the ability to better support others through healing and items (as well as better ability to take a hit in their stead).
 

Fortitude/+Health
The ability to persevere despite emotional and physical pain also allows them to last longer in battle.
 

Initiative/+Turn Order +Hit Rate
The ability to self-determine a course of action without the command of others also allows a person to act more quickly, attacking before an enemy even has a chance to move or evade.
 

Cleverness/+Evasion +Crit Evasion

Those who can outwit obstacles in real life become more capable at evading attacks and crits.

 

SOCIAL LIFE & TIME MANAGEMENT

- Day Stages:  Each day will have Early Morning, Morning, Midday, Afternoon, After School (Afternoon II on Weekends), Evening, and Nighttime. Activities generally move this stage one step forward, but lengthier activities (such as dungeon trips) might move this even further. The player character also attends High School, which will automatically consume a number of them on school days, which are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday when not on an active vacation. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are all free days where the player can spend the whole day as they wish. In addition, during certain day stages, the activities the player character can perform will be heavily limited. The player cannot explore the school in the Evening or Nighttime, for example, as the doors will be locked. And when Early Morning is not consumed by a narrative sequence, the player character cannot leave the house without progressing to the Morning day stage.

 

- The Player Character & Social Currencies: The player character can engage in a number of activities throughout the game, but almost all of them require that the player spend a certain amount of a particular "Social Currency". The social currencies are as follows: Ingenuity, Confidence, Endurance, Resolve, and Expertise. Ingenuity is increased by reading books or being successful in intellectual situations, and in addition to being spent on certain activities, it can also be spent on crafting. Confidence can be increased through a variety of activities and can be spent on engaging in daring activities that the player character otherwise wouldn't, but most importantly can be spend on progressing your relationship with party members through "Sync Talks". Endurance is unique in that it has a cap which can only be raised through the player character engaging in exercise and that it is required to engage in any and all activities. Endurance can be increased by engaging in loner activities that the player character enjoys. Resolve can be increased by a variety of activities and can be spent on compassionate activities. Expertise can be increased through a variety of activities and can be spent to speed up the completion of certain tasks or engage in activities which require Skill.

 

- School: The player character must attend school and has a variety of classes to attend. These classes will be significant, with a single lecture every week for every class which they attend. The primary purpose of these lectures is worldbuilding, but the player will also be rewarded for paying attention. If they can memorize the information and answer correctly on multiple-choice questions and tests, this becomes easily the best way to generate Ingenuity.

 

- Town: The player will be able to explore a few different town areas in addition to the school itself during periods of free time. This allows them to meet NPCs, visit stores, work a job, and engage in a variety of other activities. Working a job requires a large investment of a relevant social currency, and requires a social currency to produce good results. You can be fired and you must turn up to work in order to keep your job. Working a job grants you money which can be used to purchase important crafting materials and upgrade the facilities at your base. My crafting systems are currently my least developed idea (I'm still brainstorming, and in addition they are narratively tied to a specific one of your party members so I'm also being somewhat intentionally vague to avoid spoilers), sorry for the lack of description throughout this post thus far.

 

- Synchronization: This is how the player will progress their relationships with their party members. Each "Synchronization Level" with a party member costs more Confidence than the previous one and unlocks access to special privileges. Specifically, each step of a relationship will unlock one bonus in the real world and one bonus for dungeon crawling. As an example, one party character unlocks a Battle Status menu during combat and the previously mentioned Cooking system. Each step after the first will generally be spent on expanding the base abilities you got in the first step in some way, either by providing other abilities tied to the same theme or by increasing the depth of the adjoining system which was unlocked. In addition, three of the party characters (which are all women, according to the main character's sexual orientation, sorry to anyone who likes homosexual relationships in their games, I feel you, but the main character is not a blank slate) can be romanced, and the player MUST pick one by the conclusion of the game or it will lead to a Bad End.  Romances are unlocked by advancing the romanceable character to the final rank (each character has ten levels, and each level requires participation in a narrative event that deepens the relevant relationship) of their Sync Level and choosing to enter a relationship in their final Synchronization Event. After this, the romanced character unlocks five extra Synchronization levels that can be completed (though unlike merely entering the relationship, these are optional), and completing these events unlocks by far the strongest bonuses of any of the characters in the game, such as a character which becomes immune to all hostile status effects. A note is that the game will be structured around the player being able to complete ALL of these "Sync Talks" by the end of the game, with the more efficient players able to complete it earlier. Generally, the goal is that a competent player will be able to unlock every Sync Bonus by the time they reach the second-to-last dungeon (or at least this is the idea, none of this is built yet, obviously).

 

STORY & CHARACTERS

This entire section will be contained within a spoiler for the convenience of readers.

 

Spoiler

BASIC STORY SYNOPSIS
In the year 2053, a high school student named Bastion Reese moves to the City of Confluence, Pennsylvania along with his family. When it becomes clear that his distant father has ulterior motives to this decision, Bastion's brother comes to him in order to get help with revealing the truth. A truth that ultimately leads them and a group of their friends into a desperate search for a prolific scientist before she can be captured by a villainous secret organization and a conflict against a rogue artificial intelligence that will determine the fate of the world.

WORLD
This game takes place on an alternate Earth where the Confederacy won the Civil War and the Union merged with Canada to become the North American Alliance. Thanks to the lack of the whole "manifest destiny" situation, the United States of Mexico now controls the entire West Coast. Confluence is a special city because it is the only place where trade with the Confederacy has thrived since the end of the Civil War thanks to a harbor and a dam. It is one of the richest cities in the entire North American Alliance despite being one of the smallest, with a population between 25,000 and 50,000 people. There are many, many other differences between our world and this one but these are the ones that are relevant to the story of this game.

CHARACTERS (I'm just listing the party characters for this post)
Note: While characters will have lots of character development plugged right into their Bond Conversations (which isn't a problem since you are intended to complete them all by the end of the game), this will mostly be development related to the player character and their relationship with him. Other character development will also happen throughout the plot depending on the character. I'll expand on this a bit in my thoughts for each character and in the plot outline I'll provide later on.

 

Bastion Reese - Age: 17 / 5'4" / 146 Pounds
Role: Operator and Player Character
Bio: Quiet, intelligent, and an avid reader with low social skills. He’s mostly a loner and a shut-in who fell into a depression after his only friend, Olivia Woods, moved away and no one ever got close to him again. Rather, his strange appearance got him targeted by bullies, with ashen hair at a young age and yellow eyes being the result of "random genetic mutations". Of course what makes him the perfect leader and Operator for the team are his incredible mathematics, computer, and tactical skills. When trusted, he always delivers.
Expanded Thoughts: Bastion is a set protagonist and is intentionally constructed to reflect myself, my flaws most of all. Therefore he is quite literally a self-insert character. However, this is not to make myself the main character of a story or anything, I chose to do this for the specific narrative purpose of getting across how I see myself and how it feels to be me. More particularly, how it feels to be autistic, as Bastion has Asperger's Syndrome (which I have a variation of called PDD-NOS) and much of the game's above mechanics are structured around that idea. Bastion is obviously more skilled than me also, but it is my hope that I can have the player understand how it feels emotionally to be autistic and to see the world the way I do. Bastion is also meant to grow beyond the definitions I've set for him through his relationships, and in the end become a lot less like me through them. This is why romance isn't optional, as Bastion's character is meant to evolve in a way the player decides. I'll expand on this idea more in the individual character descriptions, but basically each romanceable character approaches their love for Bastion in a different way, and this ultimately shapes how he approaches the evolution of his own flaws. Other parts of his arc are also independent from this. In the overview, I'm sure you noticed that I said this game will have dialogue options... well, this is meant to be a form of deception. These dialogue choices will literally accomplish nothing. Every situation in which Bastion is forced to respond will end the same exact way regardless of the player's choice. And this is the point. You see, a lot of Bastion's arc in this game has to do with him not running away from his problems, and the three response options you are given whenever the choice window comes up (Logic, Humor, and Tact) are all a form of running away. This is why these response options will only crop up when Bastion is under pressure. This will ultimately build to a point much later in the game where the choice window which has popped up throughout all the game to illustrate this, where instead of the Logic, Humor, and Tact options the player has seen up until now... every option will be "Run Away".  Aside from that, other important things to know is that his strange appearance is related to the plot, specifically that Bastion exists as the result of a genetic experiment run by the "secretive organization" mentioned in the basic story synopsis, which is a mega-corporation named Espcorp that exists as one of the two primary villains of the story. I'm going to expand on this some more later in the post, since this genetic experiment deeply ties him to another one of the primary characters.

 

Aaron Cellot - Age: 51 / 5'11" / 154 Pounds
Role: Investigator
Bio: Aaron Cellot is a former FBI Agent now on the hunt for his wife (note: the prolific scientist mentioned in the outline). By searching through his wife’s things after she went on the run, he was able to track her and figure out where she would go. He understands little about science and computers, but he’s a good investigator and now separated from the rules that bound him as an Agent is capable of much. He can be a bit rash when things he loves are on the line, but overall he is quite level-headed and offers a much needed adult perspective to the group.
Expanded Thoughts: In terms of a character arc, it's my intention that Aaron is kind of already the person he's supposed to be. Most of his development will just be learning more about his past and the person he is, rather than him having a structured character arc where he changes. He will be the same character when he dies a bit after the story's midpoint that he was when the game started. A determined man and learned investigator who wants to protect his family, which is more important to him than anything else, including his own life. This is also the character who handles the cooking system and such. So considering that he dies, there's clearly some thinking to be done on the impact that will have on the gameplay side of things. After all, I don't want the elements he brings to the game to just disappear once he's gone, though of course the player will be unable to progress their Synchronization with him after that.

Olivia Woods - Age: 18/ 5'5" / 118 Pounds
Role: Support
Bio: A bright and kind girl with a bubbly, playful, and carefree personality. With a high understanding and consideration for others, she naturally was the only one who honestly approached friendship with Bastion. She wants people to be the best they can be, and pursues that as much as she can. She also holds herself to high standards, as she both does volunteer work and shoots for the Archery Team. However, she cannot be consistent at either of these due to a strange condition which leads to her getting sick on a regular basis, but recovering just as quickly. As part of the team, she keeps people hopeful in the most dire of situations.
Expanded Thoughts: Olivia is one of the three romance options for Bastion. Relationship-wise, she encourages Bastion to be better rather than forcing him too. Since Olivia depends on Bastion even more than he depends on her, Bastion becomes determined to be a stronger person for her sake. In addition, she is another one of Espcorp's experiments like Bastion. She's one of the two people Bastion's father came to hunt down in Confluence in fact, because Olivia's parents got a huge payout for letting their daughter be the subject of that experiment.  The strange condition mentioned in her bio is because her DNA was modified to become flexible and malleable so that they could test other modifications and medicines that they could later enhance to work on normal people. These modifications make it so she can become sick EXTREMELY easily, but her body can also expel infections just as easily to return them to their default state in record time. She catches minor illnesses like colds really easily, but they are cured within literally minutes. Olivia's parents, seeing that their daughter was suffering and regretting their decision, decided to book it without telling her why. This ties into her overall character arc for the game, which will be learning these things and having to come to terms with them and what her parents allowed to happen to her. She also has some self-loathing issues due to her sudden abandonment of Bastion, because she knew how much their friendship meant to him and she sees what that abandonment did to him. By the time of the game proper, he's basically closed himself off to others, and that makes her hate herself a bit. Those are the core issues she'll deal with throughout the course of the story, other minor elements which come up over the course of the story not withstanding.

Calder Reese - Age: 18 / 6'0" / 172 Pounds
Role: Strongman
Bio: An outgoing and sociable guy who played for the Basketball team in his old school. He loves his brother, but doesn’t understand him very well, which leaves the two distant from each other (which is something Calder regrets and hopes to improve now that he's been separated from the friends and Basketball team he'd had at their previous school). He’s not very smart and can be reckless, but he means well. As a member of the team, he brings the backup muscle in case of emergencies.
Expanded Thoughts: Calder's the brawn of the team who struggles with stuff that deviates from the norm. His development will be about him learning how to understand things which aren't normal for him, both in terms of people and in terms of the world, so that he can be less of a burden on other people. He also has a bit of an inferiority complex thanks to his lack of intelligence compared to his brother, but he always suppresses it to do what should be done, and that will be something which is addressed and which he grows beyond over the course of the story.

The above characters are the party the player starts the game with (the prologue also features characters that the player will get later on in the story, since it is a flashforward).

Hannah Atwell - Age: 20 / 5'4" / 107 Pounds
Role: Engineer
Bio: A social outcast whose laid back attitude has gotten her held back multiple years for failing to pass tests in classes she’s not interested in. Her work with robotics and AI within the school has caught the eyes of many despite her pitiful grades in subjects that don’t fit her tastes. As a member of the team, she is an excellent mechanic and experienced at operating electrical equipment. She is capable of manufacturing whatever the group needs for a certain situation, usually guided by Bastion’s knack for design. It is only during these moments where she gets happy and excited, in addition to when she’s confronted with ice cream.
Expanded Thoughts: Hannah is also one of the three romance options for Bastion. Relationship-wise, she makes Bastion feel like there's nothing wrong with him and he shouldn't be trying to change, that he should just embrace the things that make him who he already is instead of trying to change for the sake of others. As someone who is of similar intelligence to him, she also represents a partner who he can share everything with. There's no part of his life that she can't be a part of. This is also a good time to mention that many aspects of Bastion's relationship with his romantic interests are not dependent on him romancing them, Hannah will ALWAYS be Bastion's lifelong engineering partner. But she can only influence the way Bastion ultimately wants to see himself and develop if she is his lover.  Hannah will also be the source of the games crafting elements, which is why I haven't really out a ton of thought into how I'm going to structure them yet since I needed to decide what her place in the story was. Hannah's overall character arc is about her lack her lack of self-worth. She feels that the reason other people don't interact or form relationships with her is because she doesn't have any real value to others. She feels like if she disappeared, the world would forget her and move on, and that will always be the way things are for her. None of that is true of course, and her character arc is about her learning that she does in fact have worth and that there are people in the world who will appreciate her for who she is. Note that this is actually very different from Bastion, whose internal conflict is less one of self-worth and more about not running away from his flaws, but instead facing up to them and overcoming them. Hannah isn't the person she is because she wants to run away from her flaws, but because she doesn't see her flaws as things which can or should be overcome to begin with, and that while a person should embrace who they are that the person who she is has no value. While Bastion isn't "lonely" persay, Hannah's entire problem is tied into the fact that she is extremely lonely and views that as an issue created by her own lack of self-worth, even to the point of suicidal thoughts. Some of it is also tied into her appearance and that she doesn't consider herself to be very good looking, so she has to learn throughout the story a bit more about a person's intrinsic value to others.

Melody Espinoza - Age: 18 / 5'8" / 129 Pounds
Role: Funding
Bio: Progeny of the leaders of Espcorp, she fights often in order to train herself after witnessing her father beaten to death as a child in the Confederacy. Her family doesn’t approve of her attending a public school, but she does it anyways as a way to embrace a normal childhood after a harsh upbringing. She doesn’t desire Espcorp or the large financial legacy she has inherited. As a member of the team, she brings connections to folks in high places that she can press for information.
Expanded Thoughts: Melody is the final of the three romance options for Bastion. Relationship-wise, she forces Bastion to face his flaws, if at his own pace. She is someone who sees change as something that needs to be exerted through an application of force (mostly emotional force, though she does use a bit of physical force). That instead of a person just letting a choice hang perpetually, she wants to force them to make a decision. She wants to force them to become strong enough to make those hard choices. She's someone who takes charge thanks to her own extensive amount of self-assurance, and someone who Bastion becomes wholly dependent on. As far as her overall character arc, it's coming to terms with the pressure of her legacy and the tragedies of her past (as she watched her father get beaten to death in front of her, which is why she learned to fight). At the time of the game, she sees it as something she'll either need to run away from or fight against. She doesn't want to make either one of these choices, so she's biding her time until she's forced to make a decision. Her character arc is about learning that there is a third decision, to take control and use her legacy to help others.

Malcolm Spence - Age: 31 / 5'9" / 143 Pounds
Role: Access
Note: Hephaestus is the rogue artificial intelligence noted in the basic story synopsis.
Bio: Abducted at a young age to participate in Hephaestus’s first Game of Murder, unknown circumstances have placed him as Hephaestus’s android puppet. While initially he attempts to murder to group, destroying the android control center relieves him of Hephaestus’s control and restores his mind. Or so they think. Really, Malcolm is Hephaestus, and the aspect of him on the internet is a copy meant to be destroyed in order to make everyone think Hephaestus and the threat he poses has ceased. As a member of the team, Malcolm enables access to whatever Hephaestus would have access to thanks to the imprint on his mind, making the team’s job easier.
Expanded Thoughts: While Hephaestus spends the first half of the game as a villain pretending to be an ally, in the second half he reveals the truth to the group and joins them to oppose Espcorp, meaning that unlike Aaron he's never lost as a party member. His Synchronization Conversations will present hints as to he really is, as he acts particularly inhuman in his apparently thirst to understand what it means to be human (or, how Hephaestus portrays it during these conversations, how to "express himself").  Hephaestus is ultimately meant to also be the series overarching villain, as he desires to take over the world for the sake of everyone living on it. Hephaestus doesn't see himself as a villain for wanting to take control, but as a hero whose ultimate goal is to create a peaceful society where everyone can be happy. His character arc throughout the game is mostly reflecting on the mistakes he's made in pursuit of this goal, but in the end he doesn't change his mind on what his goal is. It remains, it's just he is better equipped to do it without the breaches of morality he's engaged in to reach this point.

 

June Cellot - Age: 51 / 5'7" / 101 Pounds
Role: Scientist
Bio: June Cellot is the world renowned scientist (in fact, the prolific scientist from before) who mapped the human brain and invented the interface which allows for the synchronization of the human brain with computer technology. However, she soon found the company she worked for did not have pure motivations, and made off with the AI Hephaestus which they were planning to use to take control of the world for their own ends. Only, this didn’t work as she predicted, as Hephaestus escaped onto the internet and decided to exercise its own plans. Ashamed of her failure, she went after him by inventing the digitalization interface that allows physical objects and living beings to be transformed into living data on the internet. After that, she went after him, but there she was killed and her mind was dispersed across the network. As a member of the team, she brings deep knowledge of the system and Hephaestus, allowing the team to execute more complex tactics and reducing Bastion’s immense workload.
Expanded Thoughts: Much the same as Aaron, June is already the person she is meant to, and her development is mostly about uncovering who that person already is. Though after Aaron dies, coping with that and dedicating herself to the people who are still alive functions as a mini-character arc for her.

THEMES
These are the messages that the overall plot is designed to send.

-          Doing the right thing is never easy, but it’s always right, and it’s always worth the sacrifice.
-          Two wrongs don’t make a right. Fighting against an unjust society with injustice of your own just creates a perpetual cycle, and the only way to escape from it is to do the hard thing, the right thing.
-          Allowing something bad to happen just because it punishes the worst people of the world isn’t doing the right thing.
-          The right thing is not always the legal thing. Standing up for yourself and others despite the rules of society is doing the right thing, but you must also be willing to own up to what you’ve done and suffer the consequences.
-          By working together with those who we oppose, we can make the world a better place. There always comes a time where differences must be put aside for the greater good.
-          If you truly believe you’ve done the right thing, there’s no reason to hide it. Even if punishment is what waits for you, you should walk right into it and make that sacrifice in order to inspire others.
-          The old often oppress the young as a way to keep feeling powerful. It is ultimately their responsibility to pass the torch down, but so few are willing to do so.

 

DUNGEON LIST
Note: I've decided to just post this instead of the complete plot outline, which is a bit longer. Or the script, which is a heck of a lot longer (you'll have access to both and the overall design document about half of this post is sourced from if you join the project, of course). I think this communicates the games natural progression enough on its own. Another note (that's a little less relevant) is that the level cap is 80 and that this basic outline is not reflective of what will be the final product. As a writer, I feel a plot outline is only a basic structure to follow, and that while I'm writing if I get inspired I should deviate from that outline to tell the most compelling story or create situations which are more in line with my intended themes of the overall narrative.

-          Chinese National Defense Program: The group must infiltrate and clean out Hephaestus from the CNDP. The CNDP commands the entire Chinese military arsenal, including their nuclear weapons, which is often used by them to slaughter people in the middle-east and other third-world countries in an effort to seize and control their natural resources. Hephaestus meanwhile plans to use the CNDP to take command of the Chinese military and take over mainland China. Aaron, Olivia, and Calder join the party. Initially, Hephaestus only gains access to all the data on the server, but in order to take control of the arsenal he needs to trick the two key simultaneous turn system that grants control using a faked shock. The Chinese were not prepared for this, as infiltration of the server through traditional means would require first taking control, and Hephaestus instead tunneled directly into the system. The group has about two weeks to prevent the faked shock by finding the two separate key terminals on the network and eliminating the virus data that’s infested them before it takes over completely.
-          Level Range: 1-25

-          Confluence High School Database: The group must protect their own school’s network from Hephaestus in order to preserve their identities, as the school directory contains all of their records. They are also simultaneously attacked in the real world by an android, necessitating a response which involves capturing the android and then staging a direct attack on its internal systems to turn the android into an ally. Hannah and Malcolm join the party.
-          Level Range: 26-45

-          The World Wide Web: Learning from Malcolm that June’s consciousness has been scattered, the group decides to mount an attack of their own instead of playing defense to gather the scattered fragments once Bastion identifies their position on the web. This has consequences however, as Hephaestus takes advantage of the school’s robotics classroom to stage an attack in the real world in an attempt to bring the group out of hiding and finally ascertain their true identities. This attempt is successful, putting the group in the desperate position of needing to stop Hephaestus before it attempts to kill them using the information. June joins the party.
-          Level Range: 45-56

-          EspCorp Central Database: Hephaestus launches an attack on the Espcorp Central Database. While trying to stop it from taking over, the group finds a lot of information having to do with Bastion and Olivia directly. The leftover AI of The Silhouetted Man is located on the servers and the group is eventually forced to use it in order to locate and rescue Olivia after her kidnapping. During all of this, the group obtains evidence relating to Espcorp’s criminal activities, but decide that stopping Hephaestus from taking over the world takes first priority so they send the information anonymously to the government.
-          Level Range: 57-62

-          Hephaestus: The group conducts a very direct attack on Hephaestus in both the real world and the virtual one using information provided by Malcolm before it gets a chance to act again. The mission is successful, but not without great cost as Aaron is killed when Espcorp mounts a counterattack. It turns out they intercepted the information sent out by the group and aims to stop them from bringing down their business empire. During the escape, it is revealed that Malcolm is really Hephaestus as he undertakes actions to protect the group, revealing that it really just wanted to be destroyed in a very public manner to get everyone else off the scent.
-          Level Range: 63-67

-          National Investigation Bureau Database: In an effort to determine why the information didn’t successfully reach the government, the group investigates the government directly. Only it is revealed that corruption in the government will make it impossible for them to act against Espcorp. So they’ll need to go over the government’s head.
-          Level Range: 68-71

-          ICANN Database: The group attacks the ICANN Database in an effort to take control of the system and show everyone in the entire world the criminal actions taken by Espcorp in an effort to bring the corporate giant down once and for all.
-          Level Range: 72-75

-          Infrastructure Central: When Espcorp attempts to hold the entire nation hostage by using a digital attack on the network that controls the entire nation’s infrastructure in an effort to maintain control, the team undertakes one final mission to defend it while people in the real world take them down once and for all.
-          Level Range: 76-77

This all of course means that the game will have eight dungeons, and the plot will play out across all of them. If anyone would like some more specific details, feel free to ask.

 

And that's it! I had to rewrite a lot of the stuff I sourced from my design document, honestly 90 percent of this post isn't the copy & paste job you would expect... I hope it produces the results I'd like, but just having some feedback would of course be fantastic all on it's own. Thanks for reading!

 

Edited June 17, 2018 by Novem

[+ Novem 344]

Okay so I'm going to need some help here, for some reason the spoiler tag for the stats section applied to the entire rest of the post, and the new text system doesn't seem to allow me to view the post in it's base code so now I'm kind of stuck as to how to make it NOT do that. Especially seeing as I can't even edit any of the text below that spoiler??? I'll keep trying, just know that if you want to view the entire post, you'll need to open the spoiler on the bottom.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Novem

[Rikifive 3,411]

56 minutes ago, Novem said:

Okay so I'm going to need some help here, for some reason the spoiler tag for the stats section applied to the entire rest of the post, and the new text system doesn't seem to allow me to view the post in it's base code so now I'm kind of stuck as to how to make it NOT do that. Especially seeing as I can't even edit any of the text below that spoiler??? I'll keep trying, just know that if you want to view the entire post, you'll need to open the spoiler on the bottom.

Post formatting fixed; If you'll ever need help, just poke me.  

[+ Novem 344]

Will do! Thanks bunches.

[Khobrah 3]

Hmmm....I can help with plot and character development...maybe some of my other skills later on, just not sure how deep I'm willing to invest at the moment. Here's a few things I would look at in your plot.

 

World(May contain plot spoilers):

Spoiler

from a plot and character development standpoint there's some minor issues that stand out to me. First off is the world setting. If this is going to be largely sci-fi based you might want to put it further in the future than 30 years...as the technology involved would take longer to develop to the point it's at in your story. Putting it further in the future also gives you more flexibility on how believable your world is and how it evolved to become what it is. Next is the world itself, why are you using real places when the world you've created is so vastly different from what we know these places to be? Creating a new world where all these things took/take place would also add more flexibility to your story...for ex. you're using america and the civil war, but for what purpose? The civil war determined the abolition of slavery, so if the confederates won slavery would've potentially continued to exist for years after. Although unlikely your geography would pan out the way you explain in the plot, let's say it did. Let's say the confederacy takes over mexico and the entire west coast, and the union merges with Canada( Highly unlikely), and has the east coast. Why would there be a trade hub in PA? Why does the harbor and dam matter? Harbor trade happens across oceans and seas not lakes, and the only water in PA is between PA and Canada, which is all part of the NAA in your plot. IF any trade did take place b/t the NAA and the USM it would take place over land(much cheaper for both countries) on a border state like KY, MO, WV, or KS. Though to go deeper into the societal aspect of your world, if the confederacy won the civil war and became a separate nation the NAA and USM would have gone back and forth in constant feuds for many years, much like N. and S. Korea and the middle east. This would make each country focus more on war efforts and development and less on technological advancements...making your world even harder to believe. The City itself is hard to believe also...it's the richest city in the NAA but only has 25-50k people? If it's a booming city people will move to it, so if there's a plot reason why you need the city to be small, then you need to have something that explains why it's a wealthy city, but people living in that country can't move there(I have some thoughts on this I can discuss with you). Also China is involved for some reason? The entire world of your plot seems very unnecessarily convoluted...and most of it can be avoided by simply making up the world itself, instead of using actual places...and the best part about this is it would have a very minor effect on your overall plot and story line.

 

Characters(May contain plot spoilers):

Spoiler

That's my biggest issue. A couple of other small issues is with your characters. If you're using full character portraits and/or 3d graphics it makes sense to provide character height and weight, b/c they will appear different on screen and it's relational. However, if you're using sprites and busts it doesn't make sense to include height b/c everyone is going to be the same height and it will bring subtle confusion to the player. Your characters are also all very small except the main character, is that intentional? 17, 5'4", 150 lbs is very short and chubby for a young man. 5'11" 155 lbs(I'm rounding by 5s) is on the leaner side, but for a 50 yr old man that's kind of thin, and his wife at 5'7" 105 is extremely skinny for a 51 yr old woman. All of the love interests are little, 5'5" 120(better, but still somewhat thin, though since she gets sick a lot she should probably be the thinnest of the 3 girls, not the heaviest), 5'2" 100 is just tiny, and 5'3" 105 is also pretty small. I get that the MC is short, but you should either make him taller so you can vary the sizes of the girls, or simply make the majority of the girls taller than him. Malcolm is a bit on the lean side, but he's the closest to an average sized person you have. Calder wouldn't be too bad if he wasn't portrayed as the "muscle" of the group. In this case 6'0" 160 lbs. isn't very big, in fact, it's not even that tall. Ofc, you can always just omit the height and weight altogether and none of this would even be an issue....characters will just look however they look in the sprites/busts/portraits. The second small issue is the school setting. The majority of your cast are adults so the high school setting doesn't really fit well, esp. when the parents are largely absent. I would consider changing the school setting to college to make things flow in your plot better...this way you can also make Calder older and more muscular, while still making him believable as a student. Olivia being in archery would be more feasible as colleges have archery and very few high schools do. And having Hannah still in school would be far more believable(instead of being a 20 year old high school student who's gotten held back), she can still struggle with classes and tests, but a college setting makes all your character interactions and plot lines a lot more believable.

 

Overall it may seem like I'm tearing your story down, but I'm not. You took a lot of time and put a lot of thought into it, so I did the same with my response.

Edited June 17, 2018 by Khobrah

[+ Novem 344]

WORLD

Spoiler

Technology developed at a faster clip in this setting than it did in our world due to a significant event far into the past (that may or may not come up in this particular game, so I'm going to save that detail). For example, in this setting, the NAA puts a man on Mars and establishes a moon colony by 1993. Seeing as they were never drawn into World War II (and other behind the scenes reasons that would be spoilers), the NAA was given plenty of room to develop technology without any significant conflict to distract them into building more military focused technology. The NAA was built on strong anti-war sentiments after the end of the Civil War, which in this timeline had a catastrophic death toll that destroyed the workforce of the industrializing Union, which led to Canada merging with them so that their own society could take advantage of that infrastructure while also contributing the men needed to work in those factories as well as the military protection they needed. Also, the Confederacy doesn't take over Mexico or the West Coast, they simply hold onto their existing land and gain legal control over their territories. Which, of course, leads to the continuation of slavery there over the next century or so. It is still eventually abolished thanks to the inevitability of progress, but the Confederacy doesn't have many friends on the world stage as a result, and the NAA and Confederacy still have tenuous relationship in the time the story takes place. The United States of Mexico which DOES take over the West Coast, forms out a victory of the Texas Revolution by the Mexicans, only the cruelty of Santa Anna led to many revolts by the settlers they had conquered, and in order to appease them the Centralist Republic of Mexico executed Santa Anna and became a Democracy, preventing the Mexican-American War that followed and allowing them to control what in our timeline is known as the Western United States. As for why Confluence in particular, it is because it is a rather central place on the border between the Confederacy and the NAA. Early after the war, trade was still conducted between the two countries in secret there, but eventually it was found out and it was decided to just make it a central border port between the Confederacy and the NAA. This being the only significantly active trading space between the Confederacy and the NAA quickly made it into one of the most important trading hubs for the next century, only despite that, it has remained small because most people quite simply don't like the Confederates. There is still strong anti-Confederate feelings in the NAA. It's not really a place where a lot of normal people want to live as a result, but because it's still a bastion of trade, that's a lot of tax revenue for the cities government and anyone stationed there. Especially because even with the advent of aircraft, Confluence was a good stopping off point for Confederate planes to drop off supplies to be exchanged over to NAA planes (as to the current day, there is a strict ban on international flights between the Confederacy and the NAA). Confederates can't even enter the NAA outside of Confluence, and achieving citizenship as a Confederate is exceedingly difficult. And China is not involved "for some reason", quite simply, they have the largest nuclear arsenal, the second largest military behind the USM, and have the majority controlled by a computer system, so of course Hephaestus would attack them. And thematically, the purpose of using an alternative history is so I can create allegory that hints to things in our own world. This world is just far enough away not to be our world, but just close enough that actions which are taken on the world stage can be associated with things countries in our own world do. It's also close enough to our world that the people don't feel fundamentally separated from us, which is important for the sequel. Also, alternate history is just fun and makes for a lot of interesting settings to tell stories. My favorites are the political situations in The Soviet Union after the success of the August Coup left Russia as a series of states in permanent war over the future of the direction of Russia and the Chinese who are controlled at home by a very progressive Empress but abroad by a group of war hawks in command of one of the largest militaries in the world. Of course, not all of this is relevant to this particular story, the situation with the Confederacy is the most relevant in terms of the plot for this particular game (especially since it's of such great consequence to one of the characters). You have to remember this this setting is just not made for this one story, this setting is meant to have the building blocks to tell a wide variety of stories, and not every creative decision in terms of the setting and it's lore is in particular relation to this one game or even it's sequels. My goal in the end is to create a universe in which a large variety of stories are possible without conflicting with each other, and this alternate history is straight up the single best way to accomplish that goal for this particular time period. It is also my opinion as a writer is that a world is not just built out of what your reader or player can see, it's built from a complex set of details which inform each other even if the player is unaware of their existence, that's how you create a world which feels alive and feels like a place which actually exists.

 

CHARACTERS

Spoiler

 

Actually, all of the characters height and weight are based on slight variations (based on their character) of the national average for their age (except for the protagonist, who retains my own height, though not my own weight, he's much lighter than me, but isn't particularly fit either as a computer geek). Either way, it isn't an especially relevant detail to the game, it just one I include in my character profiles (though I do realize that Melody seems to be shorter than intended, fixed, along with a few minor adjustments to the other characters based on your suggestions). Also, I fail to see how a lot of the cast being adults invalidates the High School setting. Bastion is an extremely intelligent loner at school, he's not exactly predisposed towards hanging out with his giant group of friends like other protagonists in this genre, but as a seventeen year old kid he still has that responsibility of attending. This is meant to be a coming of age story for him, there is no better place for this tale than at the end of High School when he still hasn't been forced to choose what he wants to do with his life. But him being in a High School game is not magically going to make him an outgoing, social person. Besides, last time I checked, counting Bastion five of the characters I listed are in High School whereas three of them are adults. That's not a majority, xD

 

Also, the parents are not "largely absent". The parents are actually a big part of this story, particularly Bastion's parents, Olivia's parents, and Hannah's parents who all at one point or another have major plot importance.

 

And finally, Hannah being held back is a big part of her character. The reason she keeps failing is because she puts all her focus on the thing she cares about and ignores everything else. That element is actually far harder to portray in a college setting, where she would quite simply just be kicked out, either by her parents lack of funds or the schools lack of patience. Especially because Hannah would probably choose Robotics as her major in College, and as such would have no reason to be struggling to begin with.

 

 

Thanks a ton for all the feedback. I don't find a much of it very applicable, but it's always great just to have someone take an interest. Hopefully you find my explanations to be satisfactory.

Edited June 17, 2018 by Novem

[Khobrah 3]

No problem. 

World:

Spoiler

 

It's not really a HUGE deal tbh...but generally when you use real places in a game it's largely war/military based. Typically when you see a game that's not largely war/military based using real places, they're trying to push an underlying political agenda(a lot of times even the war based ones are...). If you are, that's fine, but if you aren't, you may want to think about how that may appear to your target audience. A quick ex. and I'm moving on: 

If your land was called Novem Land(amazing example I know...) and North and South Novem had a historical war over slavery, I would understand the conflict and accept the outcome, then move along with the story...because I'm emotionally detached from the fictional world of Novem. Now, if I'm playing a game which takes place in an alternate America, now I'm already emotionally invested and biased, because America really exists and I live there. Now in this story the ACTUAL Civil War happens and the confederacy wins and slavery continues until around 1950-1960. Now instead of immersing myself into the story, I'm thinking the writer is a racist, white supremacist, who's pro-slavery...because that's how psychology works. If this is the reaction and direction you're looking for, go for it! However if this is counter-productive to your desired outcome, you may want to rethink using real places and events.

 

Either way you seem to have a very deeply developed back story, which is great for rolling into other games/spin-offs, and general franchising.

 

 

Characters:

 

Spoiler

The proportions of your characters seem more reasonable now...though with how the game will likely be designed it probably doesn't make much difference. Yes 5 of your characters are "high school" age, but the majority of teens start their senior year at 17 and graduate at 18. So this would put your characters in the back half of their senior year, which is a fairly odd place to start a coming of age story. Although 5 of your characters are high school age, 7/8 are actually adults...the MC being the only person under 18. A coming of age story as a college freshman may just fit your character line-up better. The biggest issue here for me though, is Hannah. First...an adult as a potential love interest of a minor(which is technically the case for all of them, but you can cut the rest slack for 1 year.) is treading on thin ice. If this is intentional and discussed in the story go for it...but if not, you're filling your audience's thoughts w/ unnecessary clutter that will take them away from focusing on the story. The second issue I have with Hannah is probably the one thing I would consider a major issue in your plot. She's 20 in high school. This is very uncommon...and when it does occur it's typically b/c the student started school at a later age, immigration, sports(sad I know), or illness(this would make more sense for Olivia). MAYBE, if she was held back earlier in her school career it would make a bit more sense...but given her character, still being in high school at 20 doesn't seem likely. Why didn't she just get her GED and be done with high school? It's not like she's dumb...and she does bad in school b/c she wants to focus on what she wants not on classes she's not interested in....so instead of spending 25-30 hrs/wk drowning herself in something she's not interested in....why not spend 3 hours passing a test so she doesn't have to worry about it? Lastly, does she need to be in high school at all? The girl is 20 and knows robotics, programming, engineering, mechanics, and fabrication...she could make a video of herself making a robot and be out of high school with a full-ride scholarship to MIT in a day....or even working for NASA, or w/e program the NAA uses to put men on mars(trust me, with her talent no one will care what her grades were/are in HS). So really it just comes down to "Hannah is 20 in high school b/c plot says so", even if you did go into depth to explain why she couldn't pursue any of the previously mentioned avenues...now you're wasting time explaining things and slowing down your script pacing(most video games have very fast pacing...esp. 2d ones). If you're dead set on a high school setting, perhaps change Hannah's backstory a bit? Something like, she didn't like school and only cared about her passion for robotics, so she got her GED( or dropped out w/e), used her skills to get into a nearby robotics program(giving her access to a lab of sorts and tools she can use to make the party's needs), and now works as a teacher's aide in Bastion's computer class....still putting her in the high school setting, in a more realistic fashion. And just a quick FYI, they're A LOT more likely to kick you out of high school for failing to graduate in 6 years, than they are for failing classes in college. College is being paid for by you, high school is being paid for by the state....the state isn't going to keep paying for you to fail classes, they would probably just expel her, or suggest she drop out and get her GED.

 

One thing I've recently fell in love with in script writing is to have a co-writer who operates as the antagonist. After writing each act, go back over the act with your antagonist, and at each sequence that effects the antagonist ask them how they would react. If their answer coincides with what happens in the Act...move on to the next sequence, if not, discuss adjusting it. This process can add a lot of dynamic to your script. 

[+ Novem 344]

WORLD

Spoiler

While the sequel is definitely war based, this game is not. I wouldn't say I'm trying to push any singular political agenda, but there's definitely a few messages I'm trying to send (anti-war, pro-tolerance, anti-corruption, etc) and if this alternate history helps you view those messages through a real world lens and see the similarities between this setting in the real world, then this setting has accomplished it's intention. I do generally want my work to have themes that touch on the real world, I want my work to affect people in a positive way after all, and if being closer to reality helps that then that's what I'm going to do. Though I would rest assured that the Confederacy, or at least it's past, is most definitely not positively represented in this game. One of my characters (who is a romance interest and by far the most pure-hearted member of the cast) is actually of African descent as well, sooooo... yea, definitely no white supremacy here. There will be messages about not judging people based on their origins in fact, whether that be ethnicity, nationality, or anything else and about working together with people you dislike as long as you are working towards what you believe to be the right thing. If "white supremacy" is your gut reaction in response to that though, there's not really much I can do about that. I'm certainly not going to compromise on my vision because somebody is triggered by the Confederacy winning the Civil War in an alternate timeline. I do not view it as my responsibility as an author to account for other people's ignorance or inability to tolerate viewpoints which are different for their own. Especially when there is thematic purpose behind this decision, and behind my decision to set this game in this particular period and this particular place. Not that I think it's really possible for someone to really get this impression over the course of the game anyways, since everybody hates the Confederacy and their economy is in absolute tatters by the time the game starts, but nonetheless.

CHARACTERS

Spoiler

The educational system in the NAA and the educational system in the USA are two very different things. The NAA is not the United States after all. The NAA operates on a year-round school year with a 4-day school week and short breaks spread throughout the year. It's not structured the same as our educational system, and as such what you'd consider "senior year" starts at the age of eighteen years. And as far as this "dating a minor" thing goes, I'm not sure where you see the moral problem, seeing as if I recall there are several states in the US who have the age of consent set at 16. What is the difference between a three year gap and a one year gap anyways? They are both relatively close together, and Hannah is also the least emotionally mature member of the cast, so... Ah, whatever, I'm not going to bind myself by people's insanely unusual moral standards any more than their ignorance. As far as Hannah being a twenty year old which is unusual to see in High School, yea, that's kind of the point. She's focused on robots and could care less about anything else. The school provides a place where she can do that freely, and she is unconcerned with studying for her other courses and as such always fails at them. You're certainly vastly overestimating her initiative if you think she'd put aside her laziness aside long enough to study for a high school equivalency course, that's way more trouble for her than sleeping through her other classes and working on robots the rest of the time. And I don't particularly feel the need to go into depth on this either. Hannah is an incredibly unusual person, which you will know from literally the first interaction you have with her in the game (which is a scene within which she bluntly inquires into Bastion's exceptional programming skill before going straight to sleep on the spot and afterwards hacking him onto the roster for her Robotics Class so she can push work off on him). Like, do you not have any suspension of disbelief at all? And plus, the two genetically modified characters, the single android, the progeny of a world super corporation, the world renowned scientist, and her husband the on the run FBI agent are fine... but a 20 year old weirdo genius of a girl still going to High School is where you simply must draw the line? You're pointing things out that the common reader won't really give a damn about in the first place, or probably even notice. Especially because the NAA is absolutely NOT the USA (they have a parliament and a prime minister, haha... hell Pennsylvania isn't even a State, it's a Province), and as such doesn't operate by many of the same rules you are pointing out. Not to mention that it's set more than three decades in the future in a completely alternate history of our world. Sorry if I'm coming off as a bit confrontational here, this just seems like a pretty silly discussion to be having, especially considering many of my primary influences as listed above are Japanese and contain far more absurd things that people also don't really give a crap about. You are being very particular about some incredibly unusual things to be particular about, while ignoring the fact that much of what makes this story what it is... is also inherently weird, if not weirder, than what you are being particular about.

 

That sounds like a cool idea, but considering this script is most likely going to be at least 500k+ words in length when it's done, kind of impractical. I'd definitely be open to it though, maybe in a story where the antagonist is a more prevalent part of the plot though. The antagonists will be rather distant for the majority of the game, this story is much more about the characters and world. The primary narrative goal of the story is also to be a character study on Bastion, which means that any co-writer would need to understand Bastion as well as I do, which is kind of impossible since Bastion is so thoroughly a representation of me. Though, I have to say, I'm not taking a dig at your idea or anything, it's neat, it's just... it kinda came out of nowhere.

[Khobrah 3]

You're not getting the point....and most likely b/c you're being defensive over yourself and your script, which I totally understand, but you're gonna have to break that habit if you plan on producing art for entertainment. So moving on...yes that was random and kind of out of left field...was just something that came to mind I wanted to share. Of course it wasn't something I intended on you to consider for this script as it's largely finished. Just something to try out when starting on future scripts. You're young, smart, and passionate. Read, learn, read! Repeat! You learn to do that you'll go a long way.

[+ Novem 344]

If I'm not getting the point, what am I supposedly missing? I mean, I know I'm coming across as defensive, but I'm not really. I'm just extremely confused that out of all the things you could talk about, that this is what you choose to discuss. It just seems bizarre. Especially because many of your complaints are not so much actual criticisms of the realism of my work, but are really out of left field moral judgments. I know I have to consider my audience as a writer, I've been doing this for quite a while at this point after all, but the kind of people who would react in the way you are saying are not my audience and my work is not and will never be catered to them.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Novem

[Khobrah 3]

Well I wasn't going to go into further detail, but it's like this:

Spoiler

Maybe my hunch is wrong...but I don't think so. You seem to be a talented writer, who lacks a formal education on writing, which is fine, a lot of writers don't start out with a formal education in writing, but they learn in time. The issue with your plot isn't genetic modification, androids, evil corporations bent on world domination, etc... these are all imposed facts in a fictional world given by the author...so they're simply accepted as true. The issue is breaking the imposed rules of the real world you've used as your setting. Typically when you implant a fictional world in a real world setting...you place it somewhere that discourages fact checking, such as a small town in an ambiguous city in an undisclosed state ( Simpsons), or if you're vastly changing the dynamic of the society and environment...far enough into the future to make evolution to the point of your story make sense(Battlefield Earth). Typically when you're writing in the present or near future in an alternate reality you break 1 rule...MAYBE 2 that are simple concepts to grasp and follow: switching a racial divide(Changing Lanes), or traditional gender role reversal(I Am Not an Easy Man). When you create a fictional setting in a fictional world, you're painting on a blank canvas, so the only rules and perceptions your audience has are the ones you provide. When you create a fictional setting in a real world, you're adding to a painting that already exists, so their will automatically be rules and perceptions your audience will have...and anytime one of these are broken your audience will require some sort of reasonable explanation. This explanation takes time and hinders your script pacing, which is why you only generally break 1 or 2 at the most. What you're doing in your story is breaking ever rule you come across. You use the Civil War in your story, which is a war largely associated with race and racism, esp. b/t black and white Americans, as the axis where your fictional reality begins to diverge from our reality, but your story isn't about black and white racism in america. You not only change the outcome of the war, but you use it as a focal point for how everything in your story differs from our current reality...now you have to explain every change and slow your pacing down, whereas in a fictional world you would just say "country A and country B had a war over slavery of race A and race B....here's the outcome....here's what happens next..." then continue the plot. Basically in a real world you "explain, break, explain break, continue plot", in a fictional world you "explain, continue plot." The first option slows down pacing, which is why it's only done once or twice. With your plot you do it so much that it slows everything down and in some parts you don't even explain the breaks, which raises questions in the minds of your audience. You use America, then break the history of america, which breaks the political geography of america, which breaks the population of america, then you break the laws of america, the government of america, and the educational system of america. With this many breaks there's really no reason to use America...which leads into Hannah. Hannah being 20 in high school is an issue b/c you're using America as your setting. Hannah being 20 and being a love interest to a 17 year old raises a moral and legal issue in America whether consent is 16 or not. If this isn't a central plot point in your story it's an unnecessary issue and should be taken out...pace the plot. You're using high school, but in your world high school is a 4 day/wk year round track system where your "senior year" starts at 18? So you use high school...then break 3 rules of high school immediately? Then why use high school? You've already restructured the entire secondary educational system...why not change the name so you don't have to deal with the rule breaks? The biggest break with Hannah is probably the one you're most oblivious to, and one of the most difficult to get the hang of without learning, and that's the psychological break. Most of your plot doesn't make sense simply b/c you're using the real world and breaking all the rules of that world...and can be simply fixed by changing your setting to a fictional world. In a fictional world where you make all the rules to begin with...your plot makes perfect sense! Hannah on the other hand doesn't. Her actions don't fit her psychological profile. Hannah is laid back, somewhat aloof, and lazy, except when it comes to robotics, engineering, etc. But for some reason she spends the majority of her time failing in high school instead of the only thing she's passionate about? Psychologically this doesn't make sense. Hannah would either drop out and pursue the avenues i mentioned before, or drop out and spend her time in a junk yard tearing up stuff and building things. Even if somehow she didn't do these things and lacked every bit of initiative to pursue anything...someone would do it for her, a parent, a teacher, a mentor....someone would raise a flag to this engineering genius and she would be out of high school. I consider this a big deal b/c this break isn't a simple fix like the previous ones, but changing the setting does fix some of Hannah's issues. I understand there's a lot of things in the plot that center around Hannah being 20 and in high school, but from a psychological and environmental perspective it just doesn't make sense.

 

[+ Novem 344]

Spoiler

But the thing is, racism is an element in this story (just not racism in America in particular, because the NAA isn't America). If it wasn't I wouldn't have set the game at this particular location. As an example of direct racism and bigotry, here is an excerpt from the very first scene in which you are introduced to Melody. In this sequence, Melody has been insulted by a fellow student, who implies that a person from the Confederacy like she is that she has no place at this school. She responds that it is a free country, and then this sequence plays out.
 

Quote

 

Student: What? Gonna get your family involved?

 

Student: You think because you’re such a princess you get to get away with whatever you want Espinoza?

 

Student: Considering how dark your skin is, isn’t it a bit hypocritical to be such a fucking Doppie?

 

Class: *gasp*

 

Bastion: Holy shit…

 

Espinoza: Hahaha!

 

Student: D-Did you even hear what I just said!? Or are you so dumb that you don’t get it?

 

Espinoza: I understand perfectly fine. You’re implying that one of my parents was black, probably descended from a slave.

 

Espinoza: And because you thought I was gonna abuse my family name to get out of this argument, I’d be no better than the “dumb oppressors” who gave the orders.

 

 

So yea, race definitely plays a role in this story. I don't know where you got the impression that it was the opposite. I have explicitly stated that it does.

 

Of course, it's not particularly about AMERICA, as because (as I've repeatedly explained) the NAA is not the United States. It's far closer to Canada actually (not that it's Canada either). And there's no reason to slow down the story to explain this, because it's pretty clear just from basically every subtlety of this society that it is incredibly different. Why would I need to slow down my story to explain a setting is different when the fact that it is different is implicit from every shred of context within the story?

 

And this is what I think YOU are actually missing, that the story has context and you just feel like blatantly ignoring it.

 

To be absolutely frank with you, your entire argument is completely absurd. It's like saying that people will stop playing a game because it's set in a foreign country with different rules. Which uh, considering how many Japanese games revolve around a school system vastly different from our own and people handle just fine, is incredibly silly. These details you're bringing up? No one cares. And specifically these moral and legal issues do not exist because this is an entirely different culture which you are assigning your own ridiculous values too. And they are ridiculous, because if you truly believe that it's weird for a 20 year old to date a 17 year old, I'd question your problem far before I questioned theirs. And this is what you should understand, I have something called artistic integrity, and that I am not going to change characteristics which are core the identity of my characters because you have a personal problem. No self-respecting artist ever would. The fact that you have even made this an issue of any contention is completely ridiculous.

 

Honestly, to me, your entire argument comes across from as being fueled by your own personal objections than from any place of actual objective critique. And you can say this is me being "defensive" all you want, because at this point I absolutely am, but can you blame me? Most of your arguments are absolutely ludicrous. And even when I do explain to you the reasoning behind things, you completely ignore it to press your nonsense narrative forward regardless. Like you have with Hannah for instance, by completely ignoring my explanation that she's lazy and singleminded, and definitely by completely ignoring that the school gives her a place to work with robots as much as she wants. But what really ticks me off is when you make this over the top argument that this complete lazy weirdo would make logical decisions. Hannah isn't going to pursue these friggin alternatives, she's way too lazy to have the initiative necessary to make changes in her lifestyle. Which is pretty damn obvious from what I've explained about her thus far. That you bridge that into assuming the motivations of characters you know nothing about (like her parents and the staff of the school) only ticks me off even more.

 

And it's so ironic. You keep saying my plot doesn't make sense, even though it absolutely does thanks to something called internal consistency, but your arguments are the ones which don't make any sense, which are motivated by your personal opinions, which don't account for any context, which don't account for the fact that you know you don't know the whole story anyways, and which basically say that I should treat my readers like absolute idiots. Ones with not even a shred of the intelligence necessary to parse the rules of an intentionally foreign culture and not a scintilla of the necessary capability to suspend their disbelief in order to buy into a compelling core narrative. Well, I aint gonna do that, so you might as well stop wasting your time.

 

Most of all though I'd appreciate it if you would stop wasting my time. You make some legitimate points, and I've found those as holes to address at a later point, but your overall argument is just so incredibly over the top that it crumbles in on itself. I'm not going to overhaul the entire story and throw the whole fruit of my last year or so of labor out because you have some personal issues with the details. And if that is the impression you get because of your formal training, I can tell you right now that I sure as hell don't want any, because it sounds like it totally stifles your creativity. Breaking the rules is the point of being an artist, and certainly the point of using alternative history as a narrative device. If you can't handle that, it's your problem, not a problem with my story. And that's all I have to say on the matter.

 

Edited June 19, 2018 by Novem

[Khobrah 3]

Like I said...you're young. Keep writing, keep learning. Eventually as you grow older and mature into a seasoned writer you'll understand my points. Right now you're just not ready to hear it. You're not looking to understand what I'm telling you....you're looking for a way to defend your points and exercise your intelligence to "disprove my arguments". NONE of the issues I brought up are personal, the only PERSONAL issue I have with your story I never mentioned, because it's a personal issue and would be biased. What would my purpose for taking time out of my life be to comment on your thread to voice my personal feelings about settings in your plot? To force you to change it and adapt to my idea of how the world should be? I'd never get anything done living like that. I took the time to reply to help you and impart knowledge about script writing and storytelling that's taught by professionals. Now personally...

 

Spoiler

I don't have a problem with the age difference between Hannah and Bastion, I don't have a problem with Hannah being a genius engineer with no initiative, I don't have a problem with race and racism being explored in your story. I wouldn't have a problem with your story changing history and laws if it suited the plot(like a time travel story for instance). The only thing in your story I personally didn't like was Olivia, and I never mentioned why b/c I felt my opinion on it would be too biased. 

 

This is all I'll say on the matter...don't want to hear it from me? That's fine, take it somewhere and have a professional read it and see what they say. Submit it online, I can refer you to 2 or 3 good sites for script reviewing and critiquing. They tell you something similar.

[+ Novem 344]

That is so utterly patronizing and inaccurate. It's not that "I'm not ready to hear it", it's that your arguments are nonsense, for exactly the reasons I just presented. There is nothing TO understand to begin with. If you were making a legitimate point, then I would listen, but you aren't, so I'm not going to.

 

I have no problem with critique overall, in fact I think there is nothing of greater value to an artist and there is nothing I would rather have as a writer, but I do when it is time-wasting nonsense that holds little actual merit. Which is exactly what a majority of your "critique" has been. This has nothing to do with "exercising my intelligence", and everything to do with you being completely, provably, wrong. On several points in fact.

 

Not only do you ignore the counterarguments to your points to push the same narrative regardless of what is said to refute you, but you assume a far greater knowledge of the story than you actually have from what is presented. You even do it in this very reply, assuming that the plot isn't "suited" to alternate history when you have only a fraction of the details of said plot. And hell, even if you did know the big picture, your commentary about rulebreaking is completely a matter of opinion. One with which I happen to wholeheartedly disagree. In fact, I think even the suggestion that this is the case is an absolutely ludicrous underestimation of the intelligence of the people who will ultimately engage with any given written work. But I guess it's no surprise that if you're going to patronize me, then you probably wouldn't have any problem patronizing your readers as well. Me, I'm going to assume my readers aren't too stupid to parse the details of my setting and distinguish it from reality, I'm going to assume they're smart enough to pick up on the actual messages I'm trying to communicate with my writing, and finally I'm going to assume that they don't have such a weak ability to suspend their disbelief that they can't engage with well-written content despite minute oddities that are totally ancillary to the actual story.

 

And none of that, none if at all, has anything to do with you in particular. I don't want to hear this absolute crap from anybody, and I'd reply the same exact way to anyone who tried to advance such an argument. There's no childish motive behind that action either. It's not a lack of maturity, experience, intelligence, or any other thing which you might feel the need to degrade from me in order feel better about yourself. It is the ability to think for myself and realize what is of value to me as an artist, and what isn't. What will make my work better, and what won't. And what you are advising won't, it would do the opposite.

 

And now that that's nipped in the bud, I'm done speaking with you. But feel free to come and talk to me again if you ever happen to want to treat me like an equal. I'd be happy to have an actual conversation rather than this farce where you try to impress your vast knowledge upon the lowly peon.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Novem

[Khobrah 3]

1 hour ago, Khobrah said:

This is all I'll say on the matter...don't want to hear it from me? That's fine, take it somewhere and have a professional read it and see what they say. Submit it online, I can refer you to 2 or 3 good sites for script reviewing and critiquing. They'll tell you something similar.

This man...this. 

[+ Novem 344]

Quote

I don't want to hear this absolute crap from anybody, and I'd reply the same exact way to anyone who tried to advance such an argument.

 

[Khobrah 3]

A novice writer who's not willing to take criticism from educated professional writers? I'm done.

[+ Novem 344]

1 hour ago, Novem said:

I have no problem with critique overall, in fact I think there is nothing of greater value to an artist and there is nothing I would rather have as a writer, but I do when it is time-wasting nonsense that holds little actual merit.

 

[Khobrah 3]

Take it somewhere and have a professional read it and see what they say. Submit it online. They'll tell you something similar. Unless your response is some proof you did this, I'm not replying to you anymore.

[+ Novem 344]

1 hour ago, Novem said:

I don't want to hear this absolute crap from anybody, and I'd reply the same exact way to anyone who tried to advance such an argument.