Hello, I still breath ~ The left stranded thread

[ShinNessTen 64]

Y'all... we are all dead, you noticed? And yeah, you probably are aware, but today I would not want to speak ill of the dead. (when in reality, I may actually did)

 

Today I just would like to, mayhaps, share some bonding memories and at the end even MAYBE announce a little competition(in competition zone, for those interested) to spice life into the forums again... even if I'm pretty much the least qualified, due to me being the absolute most inactive member in existence. Also I'm aware that putting my face into the spotlight might irritate some people, because of... let's just say reasons, but I will ignore those from now on, as I now understand what I truly want to have in this existence: 

tl;dr: Y'all are awesome, keep at it, don't give up, I won't speak for everyone, as everyone wants to speak for themselves, yadda yadda.. I just want to let you know, that no matter the situation, we are STILL here, breathing, regardless of our current situation... and that's what everyone really should be happy about, and if not, then maybe for just a minute.

 

My memory goes as far back as the late 2013s. I remember being the most cringiest kid, having this mentally awesome game that I had no idea would later turn into a giant pile of mess, because it was way too ambitious. The first ever, what I consider friend, I met was @Loriesquare, (back in MY days, we weren't callin' him that, but EienNanashi). Back then I had big plans, but I knew the concepts and everything were extremely flat and landed on their faces the moment I started writing my games story, made the art for it and "borrowed" tracks from other games, that are supriorly better than what I even had planned with my childish brain. Mister Nanashi, back being a lil' ol' lad was actually the first to be interested intensly in my Project I titled "Soul Effect" and from there on, I was motivated to make big plans regardless of them being too ambitious. 

That push you feel when someone, for the first time, mentions that you are making a cool game is like no other. Eventually you start getting used to compliments and slowly start seeing the dark sides of your hobby/job more than the positives. We've all been there... maybe... you know, when you are kinda sick of receiving praise from the same people and want to come out more. Now I'm not saying this is the case for all the devs, but it was most certaintly for me. I am the kinda person to strive for greater heights and ignoring messages about the "impossible" feats you want but can't accomplish. People tell you "You'll get there, but slow it down a little and play by the rules." I started questioning this more and more as time went on, as I wasn't really satisfied with that conclusion. Instead of obeying the rules and learning slowly that way, I acted a rebellious nature to find out what's hidden in the dark for me, to receive more knowledge of the dark arts of making a game. I found lots, and I mean LOTS of things, for the price of my happiness, sanity, etc. Seeking my own justice, I realized that it's really hecking hard to stand your own ground. But nonetheless, I still am standing my ground today. The first couple of months beating myself over my own mistakes were hard, but once I slowly started realizing that, perhaps, someone else is out there also struggling for themselves are trying to survive their own pain bringing brain like myself. I realized that I didn't wanted to A: disappoint them, because I wanna show that you can INDEED manage to pull through yourself if you are willing your power into existence and B: disappoint myself, as that would ultimately become my downfall, because nobody else but me can support me (in that time).

As a young lad, I always wanted to become a hero, someone you can look up to, but eventually realized a year back that it just can't be done. You CANNOT make everyone happy, it's impossible. At that point my fantasy and reality fought each other bringing my mentality to the ground. And then, it hit me... what if, as cliche as it sounds, would the two just combine together? "Genius!" I thought to myself, except I didn't actually think that, because it was a really serious moment where there was no comedy involved.

Obviously with that mindset of "bringing them together" the reality side of things didn't wanted that, because it is a ridiculous fairy tale mindset, but once you realize that you can combine both to form fiction into reality, it blew my mind and then I truly said "Genius!". 

 

It was never about Light and Dark, it was never about good and bad, it was never about depression or happiness... 

It was about accepting both sides and bringing them together, regardless of the fact that the negative things boil your inner rage and void. For that... there was always the positivity bringing you back to the middle, to the whole/half (I dunno).

 

Sure, this Ying-Yang crap sounds entitled as all hell, but... do you really have to care about what I say? Do you really have to just put your own mayonnaise on top of my already existing mayonnaise?

I'm not saying you can't... in fact, you can. But now imagine doing that in reality with actual mayonnaise on some other strangers bread that he already had mayonnaise on. Pretty sure it's far-fetched, but at the end of the day, you kinda just blame yourself for making these mistakes, even if you say you don't. 

Which, in the end, I did... I did A LOT. 

Like me, or like me not. I like myself enough to ignore your... eh... dislike.

 

Is this a public apology? Is this a justification? 

Maybe... I don't know... I just wrote this, because I felt like it and I didn't think of any drama, except I did when writing further in because I remembered I had beef not only here, but also in various other places.

 

I am still me and you are still you... do with that information as you please, because I know you don't want me to tell you that I am right and you should listen. Yeah... I know, very entitled. But I like myself for it, honestly.

 

ALL I'M SAYING IS... Thank you for making me the person I am today. 

I may have listed the absolute worst scenarios, but these are the scenarios that helped me grow the most and regardless of them being negative, I still am obligated to thank those that changed my mind and made me realize my place in life. Thanks to all my friends I have made over the 5 years I'm in this RPG maker community. 

And everyone knowing me, regardless (that's the word of the day) of my beef with you, I STILL consider you a friend... and you know who you are... you... eh... 20 people? lol (yeah, I was a bad boy)

 

Anyway, enough with this cringey depression/selfreflection talk:

How about a contest? I was thinking of making a contest based around decision making and multiple path options. Thought that was a cool idea. Obviously like a very short game and I thought it might help out people getting into multiple paths or something.

 

PS: I guess this topic is about how you felt over the years on this community + contest stuff lmao

PPS: I know, I still suck at english

PPPS: @Loriesquare shoutout to the special snowflake I mentioned here and am still friends with. (Miss you bud)

Edited July 20, 2018 by ShinNessTen

[Lord Vectra 414]

I wouldn't say it's dead - just on life support.

 

Anyways, my fondest moment was how everyone helped me during depression and how I got the Best Eventer Award. At the end, I succeeded in the goal I originally came for which was to show ppl they underestimated eventing which I've proven multiple times and I'm happy with that (even if some scripters didnt like that).

 

@lonequeso will be my shout out for being an amazing friend.

 

@Rikifive for being an amazing Admin.

 

Good to see you again, ShinNessTen.